Maybe it has something to do with the pure and utter exhaustion.

And knowing that having to be in the office by 5am every day, all week starting on Monday, is only going to pile the exhaustion on.

The upcoming return to work has me all kinds of panicky. I have been snapping at Paul and much to my own dismay, snapping at the poor baby.

It’s my own fault really, I am jealous in my care for T. I want to be his sole source of comfort, food, everything and so it has come to be that way. Maybe Paul could put him to sleep but I’m so scared that if he tries and fails I’ll end up doing it anyway, except it will be two hours later and he will be all riled up and harder to put down. And then I get irritated that no one can help me with this screaming infant, who through no fault of his own currently can’t seem to stay asleep!

I get annoyed at my mother. For implying that she knows better than I do how to care for MY baby. For implying that she can do it better. That she is more “natural” at it than I am. I’m jealous that she’ll be getting all this time with my baby which may lead her to feel even more so that he is HERS and not MINE. But he is mine! I know what he likes! I know what he needs! I KNOW him.

I have a pretty good relationship with my mom by most people’s standards. I tell her almost everything. She tells me probably more than I want to hear quite a bit. I know she loves T very much. But we are definitely having some boundary issues and the funny thing is she thinks she is very cognizant of boundaries but she isn’t. She also thinks she is not critical and judgmental, but she is.

I can’t do anything different from how she raised us without her taking it as a criticism of her mothering skills. I’ve told her it’s not about her, it’s about me and how I want to care for my child but somehow this only makes her even more defensive and upset. So I really don’t know how to address this problem because every time she starts criticizing me and I defend myself it descends into an argument I can’t win where she essentially tells me “It’s my way or the highway” and the problem is, I have no choice. I’m going back to work. As others have pointed out, hiring a Chinese nanny (which is what we can afford) would just be like paying someone to do exactly what my mother will do. In fact, my mom brought up hiring my grandma’s previous helper, the one who kept telling my mom to tell me not to do this or that while I was pregnant.

Um, yeah, thanks but no thanks. I am not going to pay someone who thinks their opinions on child-rearing trump my own in regards to MY OWN CHILD. And at least my mom truly loves T.

But the fact remains, my mother doesn’t respect me as a mother and I don’t really know what to do about that.

Now, what to do? Put him down and risk him waking on contact with the mattress only to have to pick him up and restart this process again? Or just go to bed like this?

All I know is when I start work next week Paul cannot be snoring away while I deal with these situations.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

It’s been a hard week because we seem to be in the throes of a sleep regression but I’m still so grateful for these days and aware of how lucky I am to have had all this time to get to know this wonderful little man.

Today I decided that I will not focus on how sad I am to have to be away from him for hours at a time, day after day. There is still so much for me to be thankful for and I should be focused on that.

On a Christian radio station, I once heard the refrain, “What if tomorrow you only woke up with what you remembered to thank God for today?” and I’m trying to remind myself of that as each of these last few moments of maternity leave slips away. I know it’s going to be a challenge to feel that way when I’m dragging my butt up at four in the morning next Monday.

I’m thankful to have such a perfect little baby, for the privilege of being his mommy, to watch him grow every day into the man he will one day be.

I’m thankful to have a mother who is willing to make a not-easy journey every day to come watch him so that I know he’ll be in the care of someone who loves him almost as much as I do.

I’m thankful for the job that allows me to provide for my family.

I’m thankful for my wonderful husband and that he also has a great job that provides for us. And that he knows how important it is to provide emotionally as a father and a husband.

I’m thankful for how my health has held up despite not having been able to take the best care of myself these past few months.

I’m thankful for the friends and family that have supported me along this journey called life and motherhood.

I’m thankful for this wonderful life that God has blessed me with even though I don’t deserve it, never have and never will.

All at once, I find myself nostalgic-ly longing for more of these days…

…when my little guy was my teeny-tiny newborn.

Yet I’m also wishing that these days…

…with my giggly, chatty, everyday-a-little-more-personality, baby boy could last forever.

But there are also so many moments where I find myself looking forward to the future, first foods, first steps, first birthday…and I just can’t wait.

How can it be that I want more of the past, more of right now, and the future to get here faster, all at the same time?

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I just want more of every single second with this perfect little human I have the profound privilege of calling my son.

I’ll still be working in the same sales group but with two new (to me) senior team members. I’m hoping that months of being self-sufficient has primed them to continue to be somewhat self-reliant, and not, like a certain team member who sometimes made me feel sorry for his mother who was surely doing his laundry well into his college years.

My plan is to leave the office as early as possible so I can get home before 3pm and take T’s afternoon nap with him. We shall see.

Anyway, a lot of people comment that going back to work must feel “bittersweet” because as sad as I am about leaving T, it must be nice to be around adults and have adult conversation again right?

Erm, no, not particularly. I’m kind of totally fine discussing T’s poop patterns or feeding woes all day long with my other mom friends via text. I find myself with absolutely zero desire to go back to talking about yields, the basis, convexity, and the like all day long again. I know that many women appreciate the opportunity to use the “non-mommy” part of the brain but, personally, I think I’d be quite happy to leave it on the shelf for the next five years collecting dust.

I wanted to be a mom. And now, I am a mom and that is all I really have the desire to be. I love that I know T better than anyone else by far and I love that he wants me when he needs comfort (or bo.ob). This is everything I’ve ever wanted. Being a mom is hands-down the most meaningful thing I’ve ever done with my life.

It kills me that I have to now go back to work and pretend that it matters when I know it doesn’t.

Okay, okay, I know I need a few disclaimers and caveats here now, because yes, I am so lucky to have my job. And it is a good job. I work with good people and I have an amazing boss. On many levels I do really enjoy what I do, it is constantly pushing me to learn more and expand my knowledge base. It’s never boring.

But it isn’t raising my baby. And I feel like if I were doing something like, raising money for orphans in Rwanda or something, I could at least justify that I was doing something good for the world in lieu of raising my baby, but I’m not. There really is no feel good aspect of what I do from a “bettering the world” perspective. I work in an industry that’s about making money.

So I know you’re probably thinking right about now, “Why don’t you stop whining and just quit then?”

Sadly, it’s not really an option. I mean, it kind of is, but mostly it’s not.

Strictly speaking, yes, I could quit. We could make massive changes in our life, rent out the condo, move to the ‘burbs, drastically scale back the luxuries we allow ourselves. Paul makes enough money on his own that, yes, it is technically feasible.

But it really kind of isn’t. At least not right now. You see, I didn’t mention this, but the reason we were suddenly able to afford a night nanny back in February, was because I got a large raise and promotion, yes, while I was on maternity leave of all times. My boss made it pretty clear that it was meant to make the point that I was valued and they wanted me back (see what I mean about great boss?). Anyway, the result of all this is that I guess I’m sort of the primary breadwinner for the household now if we define “primary breadwinner” as the one who brings home 50% more than the other.

But that isn’t even the real reason I can’t leave, because even with that, it still sort of feels worth it to me to give it all up and spend all my time with my son.

The real reason is that I do want more babies. Which for me means inevitably expensive, specialist-packed, monitoring-filled pregnancies. Oh and possibly astronomically expensive NICU stays.

At least for now my company offers crazy good insurance whereby all my many (many) ultrasounds and labs were free (for me). My entire hospital stay for delivery cost me three figures out of pocket. Low three figures. Same for T’s 21-day NICU stay which involved doctors from every pediatric specialty (and a couple radiologists from UCSF). MRI’s, EEGs, ultrasounds, so much labwork they made him anemic (sad face)…you get the picture.

I cannot imagine how much my pregnancy through the end of T’s NICU stay would have put us into debt if not for the generous healthcare insurance provided by my company.

I know it’s not the most inspiring reason to keep working, but it just is what it is.

So I’m going back. And we’ll make the best of it. Like so many other mother’s before have, who didn’t really want to go back to work but had to and it wasn’t so bad after all.

Today we took T to get his blood drawn in advance of his GI appointment on Wednesday. I’m hoping this will be his last blood draw for the foreseeable future because he is becoming more and more aware and I swear that when they put the tourniquet on him today he knew immediately that whatever was coming next was Not Good because he commenced his freak out toute suite. There were so many tears that they were dripping into his ears and there was a wet spot on the paper sheet he was laying on. The (two) phlebotomists were treated to Super Sad Pouty Face. They were awesome though and managed to get two vials quickly with only one prick. Much better than the last time we went to this lab and had to go through two heel sticks because the first sample clotted.

And, also awesome, I got to tear into this month’s Stork Stack right when we got home!

I was waffling on whether or not to order this month but ultimately decided to go for it and was glad I did! We have been loving the Wee Willie Winkie book (which Paul reads to T every night along with Good Night Moon) and his North American Bear Co. puppy, both of which I never would have found without last month’s box.

My one complaint with last month was that a couple of the items (the reuseable bag and the ball) didn’t feel age appropriate, but everything this month is absolutely right for his age range!

I didn’t take a picture of the box last month but I decided that the cute box is part of the charm so I should probably share it. It really is part of the fun of these boxes to feel like you’re getting a gift – even if you paid for it yourself =P

Sassy Baby Teething Feeder ($7): This was the first thing I pulled out of the box and it felt so perfect because T will be six months next month and Paul and I just started talking about trying out baby led weaning when the time comes! I’ll be honest, I don’t quite get how this thing works yet but it says it’s a safe way to give a baby whole foods while reducing the risk of choking so sounds like in about a month it’ll be right up our BWL alley!

Tree Hopper Toys Animal Jalopies ($15.99): We received Shelly the turtle. My cousin who is a pediatric PT loves wooden toys so I know this will get her stamp of approval as this is handcrafted from sustainable American hardwood (according to the Stork Stack packing sheet). I rolled it around on the table for a bit and T seemed to enjoy watching it, I’m sure he’ll like it even more when he has the hand eye coordination (and ability to sit up) to do it on his own.

Baby Paper ($6): This was another timely item because just yesterday T attempted to eat some tissue. This is like a cross between cloth and paper and it’s crinkly! I can’t wait to wash this so T can go nuts on it.

Susan Brown’s Baby Moisturizing Cleansing Cloths ($13.99): These seemed ridiculously overpriced for what I’m assuming are essentially baby wipes? I did find that Toys’R'Us sells them for $8.99 but that still seems steep. But that’s the cool thing about these boxes right? Trying things you’d probably never splurge on if you had to pay full price. I’m interested in seeing just how much more amazing these are compared to regular baby wipes. I’ll probably use them a lot more judiciuosly than the Huggies ones which I use pretty indiscriminately. Most likely these will be used to wipe down T before bed on his non-bath days.

GimMe Health Foods Roasted Seaweed Sheets ($1.19): Being asian, I’ve loved seaweed sheets for about as long as I can remember. When I was little my mom used to buy the boxes at the Chinese market and I would tear through them in one sitting. Paul is the same way. Needless to say we went through this in about 15 seconds flat. It was delicious but nothing special as far as seaweed sheets go, although I think that was the first USDA certified seaweed I’ve ever had.

Overall I really liked this months box! I’m excited to put everything to use and I think I got more than my money’s worth! If you’re interested, please use my referral link to get $10 off your first box!

The theme this month is Mother’s Day Breakfast in Bed and there were eight items included:

Great Full Cookie from The Cookie Department, Inc.: Paul saw that it was a vegan cookie and immediately declared he wanted no part of this cookie.

Strawberry Preserves from Bonne Maman: Planning to use this on my next pbj sandwich.

Hand Drip Coffee from Caffe Borsa: I’m not much a coffee drinker but Paul should enjoy this if it’s any good.

Original Cajun Seasoning from “Slap Ya Mama”: Paul said he’s been meaning to try this so this works out perfectly!

Tomato Crunch from Snapz Crisps: This seemed a bit out of place in a breakfast box but could be interesting.

Authentic Almond Biscotti from Biscotti Bari: Unlike the vegan cookie, Paul claimed dibs on this right off the bat.

Latte Candy from Bali’s Best: Nothin’ bad about coffee flavored candy in my mind.

Mystery Item: Coconut Almond Crunch by Mrs. May’s Naturals: This is the only thing we’ve tried so far, Paul ate it as part of his dinner and even deigned to let me have one. We’ve bought the regular almond crunch flavor before from TJ’s so there was no real surprise here but it was tasty.

I was really looking forward to this box because I love trying new food/snacks and I don’t know if I just got myself too hyped up but I found myself a little disappointed by this box. Don’t get me wrong, everything in it will likely be eaten and enjoyed well enough, but I was really hoping for at least one item to love and I don’t see that happening (although maybe the latte candy? or the seasoning?).

That said, I got this box for $2 with a coupon code so I can’t really complain. Normally the box is $10+2 shipping so I think I’ll give it another chance since that still only comes out to $7/month (yes I’m a nerd and am thinking of it in terms of the dollar cost average).

If you’re interested in trying out the box (because I did such a great job of selling it, right? lol can you believe I do this for a living?), please use my referral code!

Actually more like finishing-a-post block, but the result has been the same -> no posts.

So I thought I’d get myself back in the groove with something easy like a review!

A couple weeks ago I finally discovered the subscription box craze and went a little nuts. I found a bunch of coupon codes and decided to try every box that looked interesting that I could get a code for.

Ever since then I’ve been waiting anxiously for the boxes to start arriving and I finally got the first one today – Stork Stack! Extra points for arriving early in the month!

I’ll be honest, I peaked at a bunch of reviews before it came so I already knew the possibilities for what could be in the box (I think it ships from the midwest so I got mine fairly late versus people who live closer to the point of origin).

North American Bear Co. Two-Dees Animals ($16): I thought it was a bunny but it’s actually a puppy. It’s super soft even if I don’t personally think it’s cute in the traditional sense. It’s weird though because it kind of grows on me every time I look at it. I gave it to T while he was hungry and he kept trying to eat it so I’m thinking I should throw it in the wash before I let him at it.

Rubbabu Educational Ball ($6.95): I feel pretty ambivalent about this. Maybe T will enjoy it when he’s older but right now it’s too big and heavy for him to hold. Not sure why this was in a box for a four month old.

Child’s Play Wee Willie Winkie board book ($4.99): Great book for a newborn, I’m always amazed that such a little baby actually seems to enjoy being read to. He really seemed to like looking at the pictures. It’s not a book I would have thought to buy on my own but I’m glad it was included in the box.

Stephen Joseph Reusable Snack Bags ($6.99): It comes in a two-pack and they’re top-rack safe, which is nice. Paul was wondering why we would use these instead of regular old ziploc’s and I tend to agree but since we have them I think we’ll use them and take a stab at being a little bit green when we can. Like the ball I don’t really think this fits in a newborn box, though.

Credible Cravings Chocolate ($3.00): This is a chocolate bar geared towards women, before, during and after pregnancy (isn’t that every woman?). I was hoping for the Deep Steep Moisture Stick that other people mentioned but I guess I don’t really need more beauty-ish items for myself. I’m guessing this bar will probably be something I’ll like well enough but not purchase on its own. And at least it won’t be sitting around in my bathroom unused either.

Overall, I think the box was a good deal considering I had a coupon code for $10 off, making it $17.99 for almost $40 worth of stuff. Compared to the reviews for other months I didn’t *love* the box but I’m thinking of giving it another month or two to see if they can really hit one of these months out of the park and get me hooked.

If you sign up, use my referral code and we’ll each get $10 off!

Update 5/9/13: I was wrong about the Credible Cravings bar, did not like it at all and ended up taking two bites and tossing it. But I’m seriously liking the North American Bear Co. puppy more and more, it really is perfect for a newborn because it’s so light it’s easy for him to hold and he keeps wanting to put it in his mouth.

My leave is technically over. I requested an extension but the insurance company has yet to approve it and it’s been over two weeks. I spoke with my contact there today and he said it’s under final review with his supervisor which for some reason is making me nervous that it will be rejected. I’m not really sure what happens if I get rejected since I’ve been out this whole time?

I was hoping that once (if) it got approved I could talk to my HR about taking the two weeks of California’s Paid Family Leave that I have left over. Since our office in CA is tiny and they’re more used to dealing with NY state rules, I’m sure they’re not familiar with it and will have to look into it but I’m pretty sure I do still have those two weeks, it might just look bad at how long I’m attempting to extend my leave. Especially since I still want to use the four weeks of vacation at the end of it.

Is it obvious that I’m having a hard time thinking about going back to work?

Adding to my anxiety is that my state disability claim is still pending processing. I should probably call to follow up because the website says it takes 7-9 days processing (and I submitted it over a month and a half ago) but the social worker at the hospital did mention it can take up to 10 weeks or more. Plus the one time I tried to call a recorded message informed me that there were already too many people holding and hung up on me.

Sigh.

I just wish I could stay home with my baby.

T is smiling real smiles now and working on his laugh. He definitely wants to and has the first “HA” down but can’t quite figure out how to finish it off.

Honestly before he started with the smiling I wondered if he was a happy baby, I couldn’t tell because it felt like all he did was cry, fuss or quietly stare. Now he smiles all the time and it just melts my heart to know that he really is a happy boy. I love that I’ve gotten to see him change bit by bit, day by day and I really can’t imagine having to leave him for so many hours every day and missing all that.