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It feels like just yesterday that we met for the first time, and yet, you’ve already got one foot out the door.

It’s a little bit unnerving how quickly you’ve come and gone, but I can’t exactly say that I’m sorry to see you go.  And now that you’re leaving, I feel like I can finally tell you tell you this…

I’m not sure that I ever really liked you. 

There I said it. 

I mean, let’s face it, you kind of sucked.  In fact, there were times when you Really.  Fucking.  Sucked. 

You know which times I’m talking about. 

And fyi, no, I don’t forgive you.

But…I do have to admit that you weren’t all bad either.  After all, you were the year that we finally found our very own little piece of this beautiful city.  And the year I got the promotion at work that I wanted so badly. 

And because of those things I won’t look back on you with total disdain (just a lot of it). 

Because of them you weren’t just a crappy year, you were a significant one.  

The good doesn’t outweigh the bad.  It can’t, at least not right now.  But still, good things – life-altering good things – did happen and I’m thankful for that.

So I don’t hate you.  If things turn out the way I hope, someday I will probably even look back on you fondly. 

In the meantime, if you could put in a good word for me with 2011, I’d really appreciate it.  If it could succeed where you failed, that would go a long way in me forgiving you.  Just so you know. 

Love,
Joyce

Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something 
Or you’ll fall for anything 
Take a breath 
Take a step 
What comes next? 
God only knows 
But here goes 
  
- Here Goes, Bebo Norman

Not exactly a cheerful holiday movie but I’ve been meaning to watch it and it’s just sitting there in my instant queue.

It still sounds like some distant year in the far-off future.

Could it really be gone already?

I looked back through my archives and realized that I don’t know if I have ever done a “year-in-review” type post.  Which is really too bad because those certainly could have been interesting reads…

Was 2010 good or bad?  Is it ever possible to sum up 12 months in such black and white terms?  Clearly, 2010 wasn’t my best year in a lot of respects, but I can’t say nothing good happened either.

January: Started the year off with a bang by going under contract for the very first time in a 2+ year search for a home.  Perhaps you may recall that we had an epic fail of an inspection so we backed out immediately.  I’m definitely thankful for the way things turned out because to wake up even 20 minutes earlier when we’re talking about a wake up time with a 3 handle (and yes that’s AM), well, it hurts.  A lot.  In fact, just the thought of it hurts a little right now.  

At the same time this was going on, there was the earthquake in Haiti which really put my own frustrations into perspective.  The earthquake was also a catalyst for Paul and I beginning to seriously talk about adoption as one of our family-building options. 

Find out I passed the CFA L1!

February:  First pregnancy planning consult with Dr. Bigshot who will (hopefully) someday be my high-risk OB.  Was told everything looked good and doc was optimstic that I would be able to taper off and successfully have ourselves a baby!  We went to Vegas the next weekend and when I came back I had an appointment with my rheumy…tests were bad, first appointment with Dr. Kidney scheduled, meds to be increased pending retest and Dr. Kidney’s opinion. Depression ensues.

On the work front, I didn’t get the look on an internal position I thought I would at least be in the running for.  I was upset enough to start seriously looking around but in hindsight (is there anything more useless than hindsight?) it was a good thing because the seat I am in now is a MUCH better fit for me and, in my opinion, a better opportunity.  That’ll teach me to have a little more faith in my managers and the firm – while I was feeling slighted and overlooked my new seat was just in the works. 

I also started volunteer tutoring once a week at a nearby elementary school…it was interesting to be around kids again (since I hadn’t been for about a dozen or so years).   

March:  Continue to feel depressed over health and work.  Then mid-month retest shows normal levels and urine appears sediment free to Dr. Kidney’s expert eyes.  Docs explain the abnormal tests as a bad blood draw and continue tapering based on the new results.  I’m slightly skeptical since my bp was testing higher during that time period which usually means there’s something going on, but I’m not going to question it!

April: Paul and I are thrust into Fledgling Watch 2010, which ends in semi-tragedy when the bird breaks its legs during what I assume was a failed flight attempt and animal control came to take it away to a nice farm upstate where it could recover.  Or at least that’s what they told me…

I got a phone interview!  For a job I didn’t think I was remotely qualified for!  (Obviously, I wasn’t).  This was exciting stuff simply because I hadn’t looked for a job in about 3 years and I was amazed that this company was calling me at all considering I applied via their website (which is usually an HR blackhole).  It made me hopeful that I had the right experience now to actually garner the attention of the bigger firms.   

With the expiration of the homebuyer tax credit looming, Paul and I stepped up our home search and right at the end of the month our offer on our condo was accepted! 

May:  Thankfully this inspection uncovers no nasty surprises and we move along into underwriting hell purgatory.  I am super stressed out and I can tell something is not right physically (arthritis in the back is one of the most crippling and always a sign that things are going really bad inside my body).  On top of all this I need to study for the CFA L2.  And then I get another interview with another big name firm, with one catch…the position is in LA.  Stress levels further amplified…I also had a really scary incident that involved a lot of pain and blood and I’m still not sure what happened although I have two theories 1) yet another sign of the flare (albeit not one I’d ever experienced before) or 2) miscarriage.  Ugh.  I choose to believe that it’s the first option because I really can’t bear the thought of the latter.  I’ll never know so I can believe whatever makes me feel better. 

June:  Take a week off work to study for CFA L2 and am sick the whole time.  Experiencing brain fog and am constantly exhausted.  This was a shitty month, maybe we should just skip it. 

On the brightside though, we finally close escrow and move into our new place.  Paul spends a small fortune on furniture.   I get past the next round of interviews for the job in LA and am unsure if this is good or bad…Start being given more responsibility at work. 

Then I go see my rheumy and get sent to the ER, blah blah blah.  Everything sucks from there…

July: Awful month.  I start experiencing really horrible side effects, side effects I had never had before.  Besides the standard moon face from the steroids, there were things like full-blown panic attacks, blurred vision, painful muscle spasms (especially in the middle of the night), and being jittery and shaky all the time to the point where it became physically impossible to sleep without a sleeping pill.  The cel.lcept started giving me really bad stomach aches which led to all kinds of other problems that I won’t horrify you with.  Since my kidneys were still leaking a ton of protein I was starting to swell really badly (gained 20lbs of water weight before the diuretics finally kicked in).  Happy Birthday to me.  The only good thing that happened was I found out one of my best friends is pregnant and I’m going to be an “auntie” wahoo!

August: Pretty similar to July, except add one 911 call and ambulance ride to the ER for a panic attack.  Lots of doctors visits and blood draws.  Meds are adjusted so that the side effects don’t make me want to kill myself.  Finally start hanging out with people other than my coworkers again since after the flare I basically cut off all communication with everyone for a couple months.  I just didn’t want to see anyone in that state. 

It’s funny because I was actually starting to feel grateful that I didn’t have much responsibility at work since it made the whole situation with my health easier to deal with…and at the end of the month I was told about the new position that had been created for me.  The timing ended up being perfect since things were basically under control at this point and I was tapering the meds so I wasn’t a complete basket case.  I don’t think I would be able to do my current job had it started earlier because you really do have to be on your game all the time and in July and August I was NOT on my game at all.  I had to squint to see things on the monitors, I couldn’t think, I would get nervous talking about simple things, I was embarrassed to eat at the desk because my hands would shake so badly…I was a mess. 

September:  Begin transitioning into my new role at work.   Health very slowly moving in the right direction.

October:  Officially in sales and enjoying it other than the jet-lag that comes with waking up at 4am.  Luckily it’s getting dark earlier now so I adjust pretty quickly.  Paul leaves for his Asia trip and I hide in my room with a golf club at the ready for two weeks.  I also obsessively indulge the need to check every closet in the house when I’m alone (I never really thought of this as a problem when we only had one closet, but you realize when you have to check behind eight doors how ridiculously crazy you truly are). 

San Francisco goes nuts because Giants are playing in the World Series!

November:  Giants win!!  Paul comes home from Asia.  Work a lot.  Start to fall into an emotional funk.  Physically improving. 

December:  Hit by the bladder infection of doom and as a result am unable to eat for 5 days.  This leads to me finally losing the last five pounds I gained during this last flare.  Apparently the starvation diet is still the quick and easy way to lose some of those lbs.  Discover the awesomeness that is Dexter while I am holed up in my room for a week and also spend way too much time reflecting on stupid shit.  And that pretty much leads us right up until right…now.  

Growing up, I remember always hearing my parents say “it doesn’t feel that long ago” and my sister and I would look at each other like “oh please, it was like a gazillion years ago.”

Well…unfortunately I’m afraid I may be on the other side of that conversation now. Wondering where the hell the time has gone? Because it definitely doesn’t feel like it’s already the end of 2010.  What if this is what it’s like from here on out and for the rest of my life everything feels like a blur?  I hope not. 

Coming soon, my list of self-improvement goals for the new year (NOT New Year resolutions hehe)…

What can I say?  I still love this movie.

I love that Claire likes overalls (I thought I was the only one!) and can’t figure out the whole “be like Mona”-thing (i.e. mysterious, sexy and poker-faced) to save her life.  Cause yeah, that’s pretty much me in a nut-shell, I don’t think I’ve ever been interested in a guy and not eventually told him.  I hate “the game” (because I suck at it) which is just another reason to thank my lucky stars I’m already married. 

Her portrayal of the comically tragic aftermath of a breakup is right on-point (or at least pretty much exactly how I handled myself anyway) and all the substance-abuse laden steps towards healing (um, no comment). I love the symbolism of the lucky shoe and how at the end she gives it back to the ex, smiles and leaves.  It kind of makes me sad that I never got a moment like that. 

I’m sure I probably loved the whole thing even more when I was where Claire was emotionally.  And I wonder, how did I manage to find this obscure, independent film right when I needed it?  I have no clue how I even heard of it.  Maybe something I saw one of those sleepless nights spent crying and moping and watching late night tv and movies.  Actually, that sounds right.  

It’s weird but this movie actually brought me a lot of comfort during a pretty crappy time.  It’s a perfect depiction of a person getting dumped by someone she thought she might spend the rest of her life with (i.e. not getting out of bed for days, but not really sleeping, not eating, and definitely not taking any showers).  Because suddenly you no longer see the value of personal hygiene.  And you have other, more pressing things to do.  Things like, staring off into space and crying for hours.  Constructive stuff like that.  If my best friend hadn’t driven down to LA to rescue me and drag me out of bed, I likely could have been there for days (weeks?) longer, so yeah, thank God for her. 

But besides that, it’s just comforting in a very cheesy way to see someone else go through the same thing and then move on. 

Honestly, when I look back at my own life though, I don’t know what I did.  I mean, I literally started dating like a week later and a couple weeks after that met Peter, who I dated for four months before Paul and I got together…I wouldn’t trade my hubby for anything (trust me, I know how lucky I am) but sometimes I feel sad for the 21 year-old version of me who couldn’t even face the prospect of actually healing on her own before desperately seeking out someone else to make herself feel better (I managed to date a surprisingly lot of guys in that brief window of being single, but I’ll save all that for another post).

BUT my complete and utter inability to be alone did lead to a ridiculously perfect husband so I guess sometimes low self-esteem can pay off.  Who would have thought?

In the midst of my funk last week I added Playing Mona Lisa to my Netflix queue and now that it’s here I’m not sure if it’s such a good idea to watch.

You see, this movie was sort of my “theme” movie during senior year of college but I don’t think I’ve seen it since then. 

Ah well, when did I ever do the smart thing?

Expect me to be back and crying on the shoulder of the Internet a few hours from now.

One of my favorite things about our condo is that I finally, after ten years without one, have my very own personal washing machine.  

No more scrounging for quarters, no worrying about strangers touching your unmentionables, no more lugging around laundry detergent or hampers!

In other words: heaven.

It’s probably yet another indication of what a big loser I am, but I actually look forward to doing laundry on the weekends.  I find it to be oddly soothing, like there’s at least one tiny portion of my life that I can keep from piling up into a suffocating mess.

***

Last year, Paul and I decided to start a tradition of making charitable donations rather than getting each other gifts.  It isn’t really much of a sacrifice since we really do have everything we need and we’re lucky enough to be in a position where we don’t have to go without the things we want for very long.  So we don’t really need to go out and buy each other stuff at Christmas when we both get stuff all the time anyway.  For example, the hubby surprised me with a new pair of super comfy walking shoes (my first pair of asics!) for my treadmill test last week.  With the economy the way it is, we know how incredibly blessed we have been…I remember when Paul called me that day in November two years ago to tell me he had been laid off.  My company was in the middle of a major “integration” after we had literally just bought the other investment bank and it was still very unclear whether or not I would have a job soon.  I seriously considered the humiliating possibility that we might have to move in with my parents. 

But somehow, everything just worked out.  Paul got unemployment for a few months and then found a job that paid him almost what he was making at his previous company.  I not only kept my seat, I got promoted quickly because of the integration (long story having to do with me suddenly being the most senior person in the group familiar with the legacy way of doing things) and despite the economy got pretty decent raises and (small) bonuses every year.  We were able to get a pretty good deal on a beautiful condo in one of the loveliest parts of this beautiful city, a place big enough to grow in…

Anyway, I don’t take any of this stuff for granted.   We don’t deserve it anymore than a lot of other people who are not in situations as fortunate as ours and yet we have been blessed with it.  I guess this was a very long, round-about way of me saying, it’s the least we can do to give a little bit back.  In fact, we should probably give a lot more than we do.  When I read the blogs of those missionaries in Haiti, I feel so guilty.  The guilt usually drives me to donate, which is fine, but still feels a bit hollow.  There are so many people out there doing important things with their lives – making a difference.  What am I doing with mine?  10-12 hours a day in front of four monitors, staring at a Bloomberg terminal and watching the numbers on the screen change.  Sometimes it can feel meaningful, when people are yelling or the market is moving or whatever…but…eh…it’s just money at the end of the day.  Not life or death.  Not changing someone’s life.  Not trying to make a difference, just another dollar.  At the same time, I like my job.  Not because it’s about money but because it’s challenging and requires a lot of thinking.  And numbers make sense.  As you can see, I’m feeling very conflicted about all of this, I think it has something to do with that quarter-life crisis thing…one of my old friends told me that that means it’s time to have kids.  I think he’s right but how does that help me?

Hm.

I seem to have gotten very sidetracked from what I was originally planning to talk about – which charities Paul and I chose this year.

First Response Backpacks for wounded vets put together by Soldier’s Angels and chicks for a family from World Vision. 

I was planning to just give to WWP as we have before but Paul didn’t like that they only use 61.6% of their donations on actual program expenses. Considering they have Bill O’Reilly promoting them for free all the time, I tend to agree that it doesn’t make sense so I guess we will probably take a break from doing our giving through them and seeing if maybe that number improves over time.  I still think they’re a great organization but maybe they need to improve themselves operationally so that they can maximize the impact of the money people are donating.  They seem to seend a lot of useless crap like certificates and other junk I really don’t want (which should have been a big red flag but I guess I just didn’t think about it).

We’ve given to Soldier’s Angels before and the founder is clearly doing this out of love and not financial gain (the organization brought in $10MM in 2009 and she paid herself $22,500). They use 78.1% of donations for program expenses which is still not as high as World Vision (88.3%) but seems pretty good for a relatively smaller organization and way better than WWP. 

***

I started off writing about laundry right?  How I ended up rambling to this point I have no idea…

***

Ugh.  Back to work tomorrow for the first day in over a week.  I feel strangely nervous, like it’s my first day back from summer vacation or something.  I don’t know why, it’s just another day and actually a lot of people will be out since it’s the week before Christmas. 

It’ll probably be good for me to leave this room and finally rejoin the world.  Maybe it’ll help me get out of my own head and pull out of this funk I’ve been in.

This morning I caught myself heading in a bad direction, a stream of thoughts that was clearly going to lead to ever more dangerous and self-destructive thinking. 

And I decided that it was time to have a little conversation with myself about all of this and the funk I’ve fallen into.

So I said, Self, it’s time to stop.  Just stop.  You are a grown fucking adult, you are almost thirty years old for crying out loud!  (And yes, I know, I need to turn 29 first).  You can’t do this anymore, mope around like you’re sixteen and question your life, choices and a bunch of crap you can’t even change. 

You have more important things to do. 

(I would say more but right now I really do have something else to do, stress test at the cardiology lab!  No worries, I’m fine, just one of those fun precautionary things that you hope ends up being nothing more than a waste of time.)