transcended.net

I think I’ve been making a better go of it recently, but I probably still owe lots of people apologies for what a crappy keeper-in-toucher I’ve been for the past few months years.

I know this sounds like such a cop out but I really do think that nowadays, it’s because of my job.

I spend my days trying to absorb and analyze all the information that’s being thrown at me literally every second of every (eleven hour) work day. Nowadays that means a good 300-500 bloomberg messages, most of which I should, in a world where there are 48 hours in a day, be opening up, reading and clarifying what I don’t understand.

Since I’m the most junior person who shares the phone line (between three teams or a total of ten other people) I pick up a pretty decent chunk of the calls that come in and filter them to the right people or help if I can.

I also get anywhere from 30-100 emails per day, a lot of which contain research/commentaries I should be reading. Pages and pages of research/commentaries that take me 10x longer than normal to read.  Because they’re full of acronyms and terminology that you can’t even really google because they’re so frickin’ industry specific.

I’ve recently been added to a few chat groups with clients/traders that I need to pay closer attention to because time sensitive information goes into those as well. 

And those are actually just supposed to be the basics of what I do.  The sports analogy (those are popular in an office full of dudes) is that, that stuff is the “defense.” Beyond that I’m supposed to be starting to play some “offense,” i.e. running bonds, learning how to stress them, learning how clients look at them, learning how to play with the various analytic tools.  Constantly watching all the markets and making sure I understand how they intersect (e.g. the mortgage market is fundamentally tied to the treasury market so how would a certain event in the treasury market affect mortgages).  Reaching out to traders and asking them for market color, thoughts, interesting bonds, etc…

Do you see what I mean about being crushed with information?  This is why I can’t really get myself to log into FB anymore.  At the end of the day, I don’t really want to filter through posts or pictures, it’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I don’t care by 3pm.  Same with email.  Especially since I can’t check gmail or FB at work (and I think I’m the last person in the world without a smartphone, I LIKE my flip phone dammit!  although I will probably succumb to the iPhone in feb) it makes it so easy to just not do it at all.

Oh and the phone?  Well now that we have two-levels, I tend to just leave it wherever I’m not…And I check voicemails about once a month.

Yes, I’m bad.  Horrible.  Terrible.

I can’t believe there are people who still even bother with me.  Unsurprisingly, there are certainly some who have given up.  I really can’t blame them as I’m clearly a crappy friend.

It’s just that as accessible as I have to be to everyone all the time (senior sales people, clients, traders, other parts of the firm…) it’s so tempting to disengage whenever I can.  To finally be able to avoid calls if I don’t feel like talking.  Or not reply to an email right away if I don’t know what to say at that moment.  Those are luxuries I don’t really have for a large majority of the hours I’m awake, five days a week. 

I know it doesn’t mean that I should be taking that out on my friends, i.e. the people who care about me. 

I just need to find some kind of balance.  Which is difficult since I don’t think that’s something I’ve ever had at any point in my life.

Oh yeah, and I really am sorry for being such a shitty friend.  I’m working on it, I swear.

Re: divorce
Don’t worry, Paul and I are still the same nauseatingly perfect couple we’ve always been.  But last weekend I heard of the first divorce (that I know of) from my high school graduating class.  The background on my relationship with this person is, um, complicated, for lack of a better word but the news is nevertheless depressing.  From what I understand the marriage lasted less than two years, I have no idea why they broke up nor am I friendly with anyone who would know (although the gossip grapevine from my high school is still functioning quite well so I may hear some condensed, possibly inaccurate version of it years from now).  Despite what has happened in the decade since we graduated from high school, I once considered this girl to be one of my closest friends and I really am sad for her.  No matter what happened, I’m sure no one envisions signing divorce papers as they walk down the aisle.  Everyone must believe it’s going to last forever, at least long enough to say “I do” right?  To have it end so quickly must be difficult in it’s own way too for all the judgement it brings.  (But I won’t lie, there is a part of me that is speculating wildly, I’m not that mature, okay?).

Re: birth
Another one of my closest friends from high school, who was in my wedding and I was in hers, just celebrated her two year anniversary in November and gave birth to their first child exactly a week ago (a gorgeous little girl).  The juxtaposition of the lives of these two is so…poetic?  Is that the right word?  Beautiful or ugly, life continues. 

Re: bedside manner
I started watching Teen Mom 2 because I apparently really enjoy feeling like LIFE IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY UNFAIR.  Ahem.  Aside from that though, I actually really like Leah and Corey, mainly because they seem like good parents and I thought Corey was one of the only guys that truly manned up on 16 and Pregnant.  (I had to stop just now and stare at that sentence for a minute.  Yes, I watch that crap.  My life is sad.  Stop judging me).  BUT ANYWAY.  I was watching the part where Leah has to take one of the twins to a specialist and after the examination the man just sort of starts to rattle off the things he sees that are off about the development of this sweet little baby.  Leah is clearly in shock and he obviously has no interest in any of that as he tells them that someone from his “staff” will call them to set up an appointment and then rushes out the door.  The scene was just so real.  As great as my doctors have been I could definitely see a bit of them in him.  Especially Dr. Kidney.  He’s certainly not mean or unkind, just very clinical (I’ve found specialist tend to be vastly more this way than GP’s for obvious reasons).  Which is hard sometimes because it’s all very personal to you after all. 

Re: spam
I have been getting a lot of spam comments in a foreign language recently. I guess that’s a change. I’m still not sure what it is about a wordpress published blog that attracts the spam comments but if anyone has any tips on how to make it stop…help…please…

Re: 8
Also known as the number of pounds I have lost since mid-December.  I readily admit that it has not been done in a healthy way but oh well.  What’s done is done.  Six more to go.  I have been working on the whole appetite thing with lots of fruit and forcing myself to eat a few bites more than what feels comfortable.  Still haven’t made it onto the treadmill at all, but I’m, uh, seriously considering it.  Soon-ish. I’ve cut down the red meat and dairy but only completely eliminated it as of this past weekend. I’m thinking it may need to become more of a general cleanse though (although is there a point when you’re taking so many pills that it becomes pointless?). 

Re: other progress
I read (for fun). I practiced a bit of piano last night. Still tutoring. Been hanging out with people a little too much if you ask me.

Re: other fail
Have not contacted the acupuncturist (or stylist for that matter, I know a haircut should not be an annual event, but for me, it is). Can’t think of anything nice I’ve done for a stranger yet so far this year (unless tipping a cabbie who totally didn’t deserve it counts?). Have not visited any churches (I won’t even ask if thinking about it counts).

Re: addiction
The am.bien is not working like it used to anymore. The end. I’m doomed.

Between my review (which was actually pretty good), the layoffs last week and my little “issue” on Friday, I spent most of the long-weekend staving off work-related anxiety attacks. I didn’t even feel like talking about it with Paul (very unusual) and had to play it off as general crazy-person anxiety.  He was kind of not buying it at first since it literally got to the point where I was practically in tears and begging him to cancel his squash game because the idea of being alone with my thoughts was both terrifying and unbearable, but he did eventually accept it at face value. It is apparently not entirely unbelievable that sometimes I am just plain old Crazy for no reason in particular.

And really, it is partly that too. The Crazy. The whole time I was having panic attacks, the rational part of my brain (which is clearly tiny) was trying to talk me down from the ledge…Honestly, what I did was definitely a big mistake but luckily it was on a relatively small trade (although it still kind of boggles my mind that “small” here means $2mm current face) and the trader is SUPER nice, so part of me kind of knew he was not going to beat me up too bad for it.  Of course, the fact that he is such a good guy made me feel even worse about the whole thing. But I knew my job wasn’t really in jeapordy and that I am still new enough where a rare mistake will be allowed for. I was very much aware that even if I really was about to lose my job, stressing about it over a holiday weekend of all things was not going to make a bit of difference.

I knew that I was simply driving myself nuts.  And torturing my very understanding husband (don’t worry about him though, let’s just say he wasn’t complaining about skipping squash). 

But, as usual, I couldn’t help it.  So I distracted myself as best I could…Paul didn’t mind, if you know what I mean.

So anyway, this morning I woke up and resolved that today I was going to be the best junior sales monkey ev-ah!  Except I got confused and thought it was Monday until after I had been sitting at my desk for five minutes and realized that uh, everyone else was on the Tuesday morning call while I was sitting there waiting for my computer to restart and reorganizing my desk.  Ever so casually I picked up one of my receivers and tried to make it seem like hardware issues (headset out of batteries) was the REAL reason I had been sitting there like a giant boob for five minutes before actually picking up the phone to listen to the call I was already 10 minutes late for!

Sigh.

I’m not who I want to be. But I’m trying.

I feel…crappy. Maybe because I fucked up at work today. Nothing…catastrophic? As long as it’s not something that happens with any frequency, it should be no big deal, but still. I fucking despise messing up at work. It makes me want to crawl into a ditch and hide. I definitely fucked up today (but did not Fuck Up I hope).

Lately I have been dreaming, dreaming incessantly about work. I hate it. It makes me feel like a complete loser. Like being there for literally half the day is not enough, I need to tack in a few more hours during which I should really be flying on a unicorn to Hogwarts to meet Harry and the gang.

Do I really love work that much that I need to let it eat at me even while I sleep? I don’t think so. In fact, I like work sure, but I would be perfectly content not thinking about work for one second while I’m at home.

I’m just over it. I’m over these things replaying in my head like movies on a loop I can’t stop. I’m done.

Where’s the off switch?

I’m afraid I’m running out of steam.  I was really banging it out with the posts for awhile there right?  I would start drafts and then actually go back and finish them, which is something I’ve never done before.  I thought I was turning a corner.

These past few days though, I find myself back in that place where my brain can’t even find a way to translate thoughts into actual words with letters and everything. 

Work has been keeping me deliciously occupied.  It takes everything I have out of me and by the end of the day I can honestly say that my brain?  Just barely functioning. 

Maybe it’s the weather but I’ve been particularly tired this week, which is unfortunate since it’s been a catch up week, as in catching up with people that I’ve either a) postponed on too many times already or b) people from out of town…basically people that I can’t push off.  So far we had Paul’s brother with us this past weekend from Boston, dinner with friends last night, tutoring and then straight to wine-tasting (cause that just screams good role model, dontcha think?) with friends at the Ferry Building tonight, drinks/dinner on Friday with a former coworker (who was becoming hubby’s new bff before he got let go and moved) and then brunch with Helen and Grace on Saturday. 

That might not sound like a lot to most people, but seriously?  I do not like to do anything that prevents me from changing directly into my pajamas after work, and I have been sitting around with my bra still on after 3:30 pm TOO MANY DAYS this week people!

So not cool. 

It has been good though.  It’s definitely nice to see people and get some quality time with them, so I’m not really complaining (a lot). 

And to circle back to work, things there have been really good.  It was a bit scary today though because we found out there was a round of layoffs going on and a couple people from our office were let go yesterday.  No one in my group was affected, but the two people who were let go sat on the desk with us and I was friends with both of them.  We’ve actually all hung out together after work for “girls nights” because there aren’t that many women in the office…and two less now. 

So that was definitely hard today.  And I think it just reminded everyone that we can all be cut at any time.  One of the people who was let go was fairly senior, well-liked and from what we’ve been told the cuts were not performance based so that wasn’t the issue either.  Everyone was pretty shocked to hear that she was gone…I definitely was.  There aren’t a lot of older women in front office roles in finance, just because it was even more of a boys club even as recently as ten years ago, and she was definitely someone who seemed competent and well-respected by her male peers.  I guess I figured I had plenty of time to pick her brain and observe her and it was disappointing to find out that that wasn’t the case.  And of course, I’m upset for her and her family.  Not gonna go into details since they’re not mine to share but this can’t be easy on her on several different levels.

Just got home from wine tasting and it’s 9:30PM.

Yes, I’m totally screwed. And I have a review with both MD’s I report to directly tomorrow morning and I don’t know what any of my future goals are ><

Let’s repeat in unison: SCREWED!

8pm.  Exhaustion.  Time for bed.