Archive for March 29, 2011

mean girl

the wingless one / March 29, 2011 / 2 comments

I’m angry tonight and I can’t really explain why.  I would say my period, but I’ve been saying that for the last week and a half and so I think I’ll keep that one in my back pocket for now…

I attempted to pick a fight with my husband just now and as usual he managed to deflect it somehow and in the end I just felt like a huge asshole.  Nothing new for me. 

So I’m still pissed.  Like fucking raging inside.  I want to scream and yell and smash shit.

I need to sleep but can’t.  I need to scream but it’s so quiet.

crawling out of my skin again

Category: Well, that hurt /

…continued…

the wingless one / March 26, 2011 / One comment

It’s a testament to how sad my life is that yesterday I had PTO and was still awake by 6:45am.  Because dude, that’s sleeping in.  Almost three hours worth.

And upon waking up I logged into my Blo.omberg Anywhere and scrolled through all hundred or so of my messages to make sure there was nothing important happening.  And then I checked my workberry for emails and replied to one.  Which kind of makes my out-of-office message useless right? 

When did I turn into such a workaholic?  This is sick.

Anyway, the dinner went ok.  I was only somewhat socially awkward, instead of ridiculously socially awkward, so all in all I consider it a success.  Especially because the clients/my superiors were pretty drunk and I was not.

Back to the phone meeting with the adoption coordinator…

** So to pick up where I left off, my health could be an issue.  She wasn’t sure.  She was very sympathetic and understanding, but she said she really couldn’t tell me whether or not the adoption board would be okay with my condition.  She is meeting with the head of the adoption board early next week so she is going to discuss my case with her and reflect that everything is well-controlled and my doctors would be willing to provide documentation stating my ability to parent.  She said that they are usually pretty understanding but that she wouldn’t want to mislead me.  She was very sweet about it, really, and promised to get back to me next week. 

As an aside, THIS is the crap about adoption that is ANYTHING BUT simple or easy.  It’s kind of humiliating to have my fitness as a parent be questioned knowing there are sixteen year old drug addicts getting knocked up on accident and no one will question their ability to parent.  Don’t get me wrong, I understand why adoptive parents have to go through this process, but nope, nothing ”easy” about this at all.  And seriously, we need to put more emphasis on what’s best for the child in this country as opposed to our blanket policy of reunification until the birth parents do something so horrendous or just sign away their rights…Bah this is not meant to turn into a rant so I’ll just stop there.

** If the head of the adoption board gives us the nod, the adoption coordinator still wouldn’t recommend doing a homestudy just yet because certain documents will expire and it takes an average of about 4 months to be “paper ready” (homestudy, adoption classes, etc. from what I gather).  Since they are guestimating 6-8months to be put on the waiting list, she recommends doing the research now, but not actually moving forward with a homestudy for another 3-4 months.    She said to make sure to disclose my condition to my homestudy provider as some of them may have an issue with it.  Bleh.

** Overall I feel hopeful.  I haven’t heard the word no yet, so at least there’s that.  I think one of the reasons I’ve felt so attached to this program is that I was hoping because it is so small I’d have a better chance of being able to plead my case.  A lot of the big programs probably already have this stuff figured out, but she said she hasn’t encountered this issue yet so they will evaluate my case individually.  I definitely got the feeling she would at least present my case objectively and wasn’t against me or anything.  Also, the reason I haven’t mentioned the program by name is because it’s so small that I think it would make this site way too easy to search for.  I don’t mind sharing in private though!  (Hillary, it’s not a Hague accredited program but they said they do sort of use it as a guide.)

** Think I will begin reaching out to other programs now that I have a bit of momentum going.  If the Korea program is going to reject us, I’d rather have it happen sooner rather than later so that Paul can put it out of his mind.

Category: Baby talk, Navel gazing /

initial thoughts

the wingless one / March 24, 2011 / One comment

The last couple days have been a shitshow for me mentally. 

Not cause anything particularly bad or disconcerting has happened.  I think I’m just getting my period.

I’ve been completely spacing out, forgetting things left and right, and generally looking like a huge retarded moron to anyone and everyone.

Really not good when one of your coworkers (who you work for) asks you if you went drinking the night before….and not only did you not go drinking you were passed out by 9pm the night before.

Today, I’m supposed to go to Ho.use of Pr.ime Rib, which serves, you guessed it, prime rib!  And I was all excited because they have the best prime rib AND it’s a client dinner which means The Company is paying, which means FREE PRIME RIB!  And I was all gloating about it to Paul until he reminded me, um, didn’t you give up beef for Lent? 

ARGH!

(But it’s not supposed to be easy right?  This is what I tell myself…and then people point out that I am not even Catholic…)

Don’t worry, they have no chicken dish but they do serve a fresh fish dish that I hear is tasty… 

But the point of telling you all that is to talk about how I was supposed to be just coming home to pick up my car and head back out for drinks with coworkers and clients before the dinner.  Except when I got home and was getting ready to head back out I got a phone call from the adoption coordinator.

Oops.  I wasn’t even supposed to be coming home at first, I was supposed to go straight to drinks with coworkers but I figured getting a cab tonight will be hell with the rain and all so I popped home first.  Luckily.

Can you imagine how awkward that call would have been sandwiched in a cab between two coworkers?

Anyway, this was supposed to be fast because I have to leave for the restaurant soon (I emailed my boss that I had to run an errand so I needed to skip drinks)…

** Program is smaller than I thought.  They only keep a max of 10 people on their waiting for referral list and quite often they have less than that.  On the flipside they have a few dozen families on the interested list, hence a 6-8 month guestimate of how long it may take to be put on the waiting list.  Only a dozen or so adoptions completed and the program has been around for only 2+yrs.

** They recently referred a six. week. old.  They currently have a five and a half year old boy that they can’t find a match for.  It’s weird but we had decided 3 years and younger was what we wanted but when she said that they had a five and a half year old boy they couldn’t find a home for?  Part of me was like – SIGN US UP!  But I didn’t say that because, honestly, I don’t know…I think we’d definitely have to think about that together and whether or not we’re open to adopting an older child.  Anyway, the age range for the children is hugely disparate because there are no age restrictions on how young the child can be, it’s even technically possible to be referred a newborn, but the birth mothers tend to change their minds in those cases.  She said it was good that we were open to a boy or a girl.  I think if we do ultimately sign up with this program I will ask that they contact us regarding any child that becomes adoptable, but with her knowing that we will most likely only accept referral of a child under three or very close to it.  It’s just hard to imagine missing so much of my baby’s formative years, even maybe ALL of their babyhood?  The thought of it recently almost made me cry at our friend’s baby’s one year old bday party as we watched a slideshow of her first year.  But, I do realize now that part of me must be open to it based on the reaction I had to hearing about that five year old boy…

**My health may be an issue.  It may not be.  Have to write about this later as I’m already ten minutes late….

Category: Baby talk, Navel gazing /

brain upchuck

the wingless one / March 22, 2011 / 2 comments

** The Japan earthquake/tsunami.  Ugh.  Grateful that it sounds as though they are making progress in the right direction there though.  Prayers continue to be with the people of Japan.  We had a friend visiting from NYC over for dinner last Friday and he happens to be in Japan equity sales for a major Japanese bank.  He brought along two of his coworkers (another sales person and an analyst who was actually visiting from Tokyo), we didn’t want to pry too much but it actually happened that the sector the analyst specialized in was Japanese energy, so you can imagine he had a lot of expertise.  In fact, he was supposed to return to Tokyo the next day to start his analysis of the situation and how it would affect his markets.  The other sales person and the analyst both grew up in Japan and so had some very interesting insights into the culture there and how they will deal with this tragedy.  They seemed confident that Japan will recover and be stronger for it and I tend to agree with them.  I’d be hard-pressed to think of a stronger, more resilient, or prouder culture. One fascinating tidbit, was that how even in the midst of train stoppages and continuing earthquakes and the threat of nuclear meltdown to the north and whatnot, those Japanese who remain in Tokyo will continue to make it into the office every. single. day.  Because that is just the Japanese way.  They said it doesn’t matter if it takes six hours to get into the office, the Japanese people will show up.  (As amazing as that is, can I just say, I’m REALLY thankful it’s not like that here?  I’d be getting the hell out of dodge not worrying about showing up at work!)

** So incredibly proud of our troops in Japan and those on their way.  Once again amazed that as people flee a country, our troops willingly enter and put themselves into harms way to assist those in need.  There are no words to express how blessed we are to have so many courageous men and women willing to sacrifice so much of themselves for others.   Thank you, thank you, thank you!

** I’m late to the show I know, but livingsocial is matching $5 for every $5 donation to the Red Cross for disaster relief in Japan. We have also donated through Save the Children which according to the BBB spends 90% of all donations on programs (as opposed to administrative and fundraising costs).

** I have fallen into a familiar rut.  I come home every day and write a draft which I save and then never publish.  In fact, I’m not confident that this post will ever actually see the light of day (or the internet?) because I may very well never actually hit publish.  This one has a fighting chance though because it is in bullet form which means it doesn’t have to be coherent or have a real ending that ties things up.  Who said I have no standards?  Oh.  Hm…

**  I’m also doing the same thing in my non-internet life.  That is, imagining saying things to people (nothing bad, sometimes just factual things that they actually kinda need to know) and then I just won’t. 

** I gave up soda again for Lent.  And beef. Lent is the only time in my entire life that I’ve been successful at restricting any sort of behavior for a predetermined period of time. Self-control? Yet another one of those virtues I clearly wasn’t blessed with.

** Normally this is something I might consider keeping to myself, but I have to get it off my chest.  I have been sort of psycho-cyber-stalking someone.  I hate online social networking sites.  I hate them and all the easy-stalker-access they provide.  I honestly don’t even have a purpose behind my stalking (luckily online social networking wasn’t big when I was single so I can honestly say I’ve never romantically stalked someone), I just find myself constantly clicking on this person’s pages and trying to interpret every little thing.  Why?  No. Fucking. Clue.  What do I get out of it?  Nothing.  Except more crazy.  And let’s face it, I don’t need any more of that.

** (Incidentally, I hope that every one of the people I’m friends with on FB who also read this haven’t just blocked me…not everything is about YOU, okay?  Yeesh you’re big-headed :)  

** So far, my brackets are winning!  Counting on Coach K to seal the deal!  Of course, UCLA let me down (had them going to the Final Four and really didn’t think it was totally unrealistic) as they so often do….

** I have a phone appointment set with the adoption coordinator for the Carribean program on Thursday.  Will write about it more later (if it doesn’t end up unfinished and in draft form forever) but does anyone have any suggestions on what questions to ask?  So far I’ve got, “What is the age range of children for a couple our age (e.g. since some programs give younger couples preference on younger children)?” and “How many international adoptions have actually been completed each year?”  I feel like there’s a good chance that those two questions don’t exactly cover the entire breadth of what I should be asking…

** Received confirmation today that a coworker who is a couple years younger and married a couple years after me…yup…his wifey is pregnant.  This guy is totally awesome and one of my favorite people to work with and I was really happy for him (they’re having a little girl, his wife is of Indian decent and I’ve never seen a Chinese-Indian baby before but I bet she’s gonna be a cute little thing!).  It only stings a tiny little bit (as, I suppose, was made clear by my reference to the fact that they are both younger and married less years).  I don’t know if this is my “coming to acceptance” moment or if I’m just back in denial again.  Funny how they kinda look like the same exact place, no? 

** It’s only taken me three separate sittings to finish this work of literary genius.

Category: Baby talk, Game time, Navel gazing /

because this broken road prepares your will for me

the wingless one / March 14, 2011 / No comments

Over the weekend I watched Eat Pray Love.  I gotta say, I didn’t love it.

But it was okay.  I didn’t have to fast-forward through any of it at least and I did get one good line out of it:

Ruin is a gift.  Ruin is the road to transformation.

I’ve felt that way before.  Almost seven years ago, to be exact (or approximate, whatever).  When I was dumped by the first boy I really thought I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. 

But then I met Paul a few months later.  And suddenly everything made sense, not just having my heart broken by the ex, but everything before that too.  And everything in between.  All the bad, sometimes abusive relationships, all the things in college I only WISH I could forget, every stupid boy I’ve ever met…existed for a reason. 

Ruin is a gift.

I’m trying to remember that now.

Category: Navel gazing /

changing the subject

the wingless one / March 11, 2011 / No comments

Walked into the office all bleary-eyed at 4:45am today and everyone was fixated on the TV screens (no, I’m not even close to being the first one in even at that hour) which were all showing the tsunami in Japan.  So unbelievably awful.  Definitely woke me up seeing all that. 

We did get a note from our Tokyo desk saying that all in all they felt the country was extremely well-prepared and that all the preparation had paid off.   They even said that much of the country was already back up and running as usual.  I have to say I was pretty impressed with the way The Company dealt with certain things today, namely alerting the entire West Coast staff via email/phone/text msg about the tsunami warning very early on.  Of course, they didn’t tell us to go home…haha.  It was kind of crazy when EVERYONE’S phones started ringing at once, sort of like one of those movies where the President’s staff is all out hanging out somewhere and suddenly everyone’s phones start going off and you know the fit has hit the shan.  Of course, nothing ever materialized.

And to be honest from our vantage point of the bay (from an upper floor of one of the city’s tallest buildings) it didn’t even really look the waves were any bigger than normal here.

But still…does anyone else feel like the world is ending right before our eyes?

Prayers to Japan.  And also, congrats on a job well done.  I doubt there’s another country in the world, including the US, that could absorb a ginormous earthquake AND a tsunami as well as Japan has.

Category: Navel gazing /

inertia

the wingless one / March 9, 2011 / One comment

This won’t be long as I didn’t flake out on my tutoring obligation this week like I did last week (bad, bad, bad, I know).

Just wanted to share this while I remember…

And don’t worry, I’ll give you full color on the genesis of this conversation later on…

But the gist of it is this, as usual, I freeze in the midst of major life changes while my husband charges forward into them headfirst.  I guess that’s why we work so well.

Last night I told Paul that one possible negative regarding adopting from South Korea is that the timelines are actually relatively quick.  I read that the average wait-time is 5-10months, which sounds awfully short compared to other programs I’ve read about.  Even though I know that adoption is unpredictable and things can move faster or slower than you expect, in my head I’ve always imagined the “gestation period” (if you will) would be ~2yrs and that this would be the amount of time I would have to mentally prepare for my whole world turning upside down (in a good way). 

So the thought of 5-10months was strangely disconcerting to me.  And because SK is not my first choice but it is Paul’s, I thought, Aha!  I’m going to bring up this accelerated timeline as a negative for this program, since I’m pretty sure he is not ready to be a daddy in five months! 

Except when I told him about this “problem” he looked me in the eye and said, “Isn’t that good?”

To which I replied, “HUH?!” and looked at him as though he had grown a third eye. 

And then I asked him if he could REALLY imagine a two year old running around our quiet, clean home in five months. 

Like seriously boo, think about it.  

And he said yes.

I have to be honest.  I’m not quite there.

More later…

Category: Baby talk, Navel gazing /

hot mess, oh yes.

the wingless one / March 4, 2011 / One comment

I can’t believe I’ve let another two weeks pass since my last post. 

Actually, I haven’t “let” it at all. 

I’ve struggled to find something to say.  To find the right words to explain that even though on the surface everything appears to be same old, same old, I’m a mess.  (Okay, so maybe everything is same old, same old.)

I feel so stuck.  I know I need to move forward but I’m just not sure how to do that right now.

I wonder if I could explain how many separate thoughts I have about the same fucking topic, if somehow everything would just make more sense?  To me, I mean.

And yes, I know, that makes no sense at all.

Some of the random shit going through my head right now for example…

*** I find myself removing IF blogs from my reader once the blogger gets pregnant.  I have a hard time with them because I’m just not there and there are enough pregnancies/parents around me that I’m actually invested in (i.e. good friends/family) that I don’t feel the need to follow the pregnancy of someone who is, for all intents and purposes, a total stranger.  I torture myself more than enough without that.  At the same time, I find it’s also difficult to read the posts by women who feel they have come to a point where they have to accept that they will never be mothers.  Those are hard to read because I’m so fucking afraid that that will be me someday.  That all hope will be lost and I’ll have to simply accept that I will never experience that part of life that we are instinctually built to want.  (After all that is the purpose of sex right?  And we know we all want THAT so…)  I still force myself to read those blogs though.  I can’t stop myself.  What does that say?

*** I think I’m depressed.  I know you’re probably thinking that, that’s not news.  I tend to write here mainly when I’m upset, so it probably seems like there are no ups and downs, but I really was starting to feel better after the holidays had passed.  I was starting to eat and sleep better, I started exercising, my energy levels were feeling pretty good…after that doctor appointment though…I feel like I kind of just gave up.  It didn’t help that it coincided with that nightmare daytrip to LA (which turned into a late-night trip) so I don’t honestly know what it is, but I haven’t been able to shake this feeling of exhaustion since around that time.  One night I got six straight hours of sleep and then fell right back asleep for another solid hour and a half and I still woke up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all.  (Normally I don’t sleep for more than three hours without at least waking up briefly.)  So I’m actually sleeping relatively better than normal but I feel tired all the time anyway.  I’m not really eating again.  And also not exercising.  My joints hurt.  I’m tired.  It’s cold.  Blah, blah, blah.

*** It bothers me.  This feeling of isolation.  Of so few people really knowing what this feels like.  Sometimes I imagine myself standing in the middle of an empty field, screaming at the top of my lungs.  Even in my head, it feels so…liberating.  Honest.  Does this make me (sound) crazy?  I do understand, though, why people can’t know.  People get pregnant on accident every day.  It is supposed to be easy.  It’s how the human race has managed to survive this long, isn’t it?  That also makes me want to scream.

*** I told Paul the other day that I have been struggling with wondering whether or not God really always has a plan.  See, I’m not questioning whether or not God exists, I still believe wholeheartedly that He does, but I am starting to think maybe He isn’t watching everything as closely as we’d like to believe.  I don’t know.  I can’t say I’m sure of that either, though.  It’s just that when you very badly want to be able to carry your husband’s child after spending your life doing most things “right” (i.e. finishing high school, undergrad & grad school, getting married to a good man, getting into a good company & career path, buying a home big enough to “grow” into) it feels like there must not be anyone paying attention when there are babies being aborted every day.  Or babies that are born and abused or killed.  I mean, really?  I would be  a worse parent than the people who are doing those things?  Challenge.  Sometimes life just sucks and isn’t fair, and maybe God doesn’t have to have a hand in that?  Except, I don’t know that I find that to be a comforting thought either.  I’ve always found it comforting to know that whatever was happening and how bad it sucked that there must be a reason for it all in the end.  I’m not sure I feel that way anymore and I feel lost without it. 

*** Christians will often pray to be “broken.”  (Don’t think I really hear it used much outside of that context?)  It’s the only way I can think of to describe how I’m feeling, but I don’t really mean it that way either.  I just sort of feel plain old broken.  Broken inside.  Physically, mentally.  And probably, let’s face it, spiritually too.  Sometimes I fixate on that word.  Broken.  As though there’s a little devil sitting on my shoulder, whispering the word into my ear to make sure I don’t forget I am broken.   Where’s the angel?

*** Sometimes when I hear people discuss how physically difficult pregnancy is, I am painfully aware of how I have had almost every single “awful” symptom of a typical pregnancy (and perhaps even of a lot of the difficult ones) and I didn’t even get a bundle of joy to bring home at the end of it.  Based on the amount of swelling and water retention during the last two flares, I feel I am owed at least two already.  Gaining 30lbs, nausea, anemia (= exhaustion), feet so swollen they don’t fit in your shoes, aching lower back (not to mention pretty much any joint you can imagine and some that you probably don’t know can ache like the one in your chest), high blood pressure, leaky kidneys…am I missing anything?  I mean that sincerely, I’m not saying it to be snarky, it’s just that between the side effects from the meds and the lupus itself, I’ve experienced a lot of crappy pregnancy-like symptoms.  And I do agree that they suck.  But it sucks even worse to have nothing to show for it at the end.   

Clearly I could keep this going forever, such is the state of mind I’ve been in since my doctor had his poorly thought out adoption talk with me.  But I think you get the point.  This is why I’ve been so quiet.  Because there is no continuity to me at all right now.  In fact I’m kind of liking the stars, hmm….

Anyway, time to go pick up the husband as he is pretty much my last lifeline to sanity.  Or something like it.

Category: Baby talk, Navel gazing, Well, that hurt /