I’m pretty sure I have some kind of infection on the right side of my face. My right eye is aching, my gum aches, my cheek hurts and my sinuses aren’t feeling so hot on either side.
This can’t be good. But at least it’s Friday so I don’t have to worry about whether or not I’m sick enough to miss work. Because sadly enough, I do stress myself out over things like that.
Incidentally, it’s actually now early Saturday morning when I’m publishing this (though it was all written yesterday) and I’m feeling much better…
As noted, ten years ago yesterday I purchased my first and only piece of the internet. I’d been blogging in one form or another for about a year and a half before that though and it’s kind of strange to think back and realize how much has happened since then. And how I’ve been rambling at the internet through it all.
So oddly enough, there are a handful of strangers out there in cyberspace who, while they don’t really know me, know a whole heckuva lot about my private thoughts and feelings about some of the more “major” events in my life. More than a lot of people who would consider themselves close to me would know (unless they read this site). I don’t like to express despair in front of others, I like to do it alone so the only person I have to feel pathetic in front of in the morning is me (and the internet, but luckily I never have to look the internet in the eye the next day). Outside of a significant other, I don’t like to cry on people’s shoulders. I’m not comfortable with that type of vulnerability for some reason.
But I do think that’s why this has been a healthy outlet for me and why I continue to do it (even if only sporadically now). Or maybe it’s terribly unhealthy because it gives me a place to fixate? I suppose there are two sides to every coin but since this is supposed to be some sort of happy ten year anniversary post, let’s just ignore that possibility for now…
I can’t deny that this site has literally brought good things into my life. Incredible friends, people I never, ever would have met and others I probably wouldn’t have reconnected with without this place. I never would have done the grad program that I did, and wouldn’t have the career I like and the life here in SF (which I love!) that followed. So, if you think about it, this blog has literally changed the course of my life.
I first started putting things on the internet during my senior year of high school, sometime in February 2000.
I was having a shitty year. My friends and I were being bullied for reasons I still don’t fully grasp (probably because high school kids are just plain dumb sometimes). It turned into a whole huge thing that ended up involving parents and the district and in the end no one was really happy and nothing was resolved. I was screwing up in school and putting my admission into UCLA in jeapordy. And then I found out my dad was having an affair and wrestled with telling my mom for two days before I finally did.
It was probably right after that when the internet replaced my trusty paper diary. It felt kind of good to put it all out there. I even gave people I knew the link at first. Even with all my dark and depressed rants up there for all the world to see. I think it was the first time in my life I’d ever really displayed all the insecurity, fear, pain and self-hatred bubbling just under the surface. And it connected me with other dark and depressed teens who were filled with insecurity and self-hatred in such an honest way because we were all kind of anonymous at the end of the day.
Those connections really drove me to continue writing when I left for college, and at some point during my freshman year of college I started using blogger. Which meant it was suddenly easy to be prolific. No longer did I need to carefully hand-code each post and upload it, I could just jot down a thought, any thought, and hit publish. I was giving status updates before FB and Tw.itter even existed…what can I say? I’m a visionary. Heh.
During sophomore year, like a lot of college students I started to become a bit more politically aware.
But unlike most other college students, I became a pretty hardcore conservative Republican. And as my interest deepened, I think it’s fair to say this pretty much became as much of a “political” blog as a personal one. Particularly when I was dating the marine, the subjects seemed to converge quite naturally a lot of the time.
Senior year I started interning (and eventually working full-time) for the lady that fundraised for the RNC and BC2000. So politics was a pretty prominent part of my life at that point, which you’ll definitely see reflected in the content of my archives from those years.
I think I actually had a bit of success as a political blogger, I certainly had the most readers during that point in this blog’s life, but I don’t know if I could ever really go back to it. I still follow politics a little bit (although honestly not that much), I’m still pretty passionate about it at times, but I really don’t have the heart to fight over a lot of things either. It just kind of doesn’t feel like it’s worth it to get worked up, maybe because I’ve become cynical and jaded and really don’t think anything is ever going to change anyway, so why waste the effort? I haven’t bothered to learn much about a lot of what’s going on these days in the world of politics and am reluctant to opine too much on subjects I feel ignorant about. I can’t say I’ve always succeeded, but I think I’ve always at least made an honest effort to do the research before forming too strong of an opinion on something.
Anyway, I’d say this site had a pretty strong political slant to it up until a couple years ago. I’m not entirely sure what happened, though I have a few guesses.
One, I live in SF and it’s just too hard to have a conservative lean in the city and still care about politics. I wouldn’t even call myself strongly conservative or Republican anymore, I’m generally that detatched from what’s going on, but it’s REALLY hard to pay attention to politics here in SF because it means you will have to hear about all the moronic Stupid Shit the city government is doing. In that sense, I didn’t think anything could be worse than LA, but that was before I moved to the city by the bay. I do love it here though. So go figure. I guess I can’t complain right?
Then there’s the most obvious reason why this blog changed…once again life happened and now that this blog has seen me get married, go to grad school and transition into a career I actually enjoy, I’m too busy worrying about my…immediate…life, if you will. I work eleven straight hours a day at a job that is mentally exhausting. And, um, I’m sad a lot because I can’t have a baby and I’m kind of predisposed to being sad anyway, and holy crap am I seriously almost 30?! So I write about that stuff because it’s what’s on my mind. Scary, I think I’m actually coming full circle back to my days as a dark and depressed teenager. Ugh.
Lately I’ve been wondering, what is this blog becoming? Is this why I delete unpublished post after unpublished post? Because I’m unsure of my own voice? Or because I’m not sure if I’m really okay with the direction this blog (and thus my life) are headed in now?
And why am I suddenly hearing the Toys’R'Us theme song in my head?