Archive for June 30, 2011

control issues

the wingless one / June 30, 2011 / No comments

These are some crazy times we’re living in.  Between the Eurozone meltdown and the debt ceiling crisis here at home, work can sometimes feel like a battle zone.  I can tell you this much, there is a lot of panic and massive mood swings floating about in the markets.

And then, of course, my husband’s company announced layoffs and promptly let a bunch of people go.  Luckily he made it through this time but they were pretty clear about the fact that they aren’t done.  He works in the same industry as I do but right now he’s working for one of those quasi-government agencies so layoffs are pretty rare (unlike investment banks which go through a routine “pruning” exercise every year or every few months it seems these days) and that makes this all the more that disturbing.

But maybe this is just God’s way of hinting at the fact that I really need to work on trusting Him and not in my own plans, as I love to do.

Of course, the hubby and I imediately started making contingency plans for what we’d do if he does lose his job in the near term.  (Among them?  Move to Arizona - which surprised me because if two Cali-born-and-raised-never-lived-outside-of-perfectly-temperate-year-round-weather people like us could consider moving away, the situation here must look pretty bleak.  (Hm….yup, sure does!).  Still don’t know if I could do it, but I never thought it’d be something I’d even THINK about).

Guess old habits die hard.

Category: Navel gazing, The grind /

spilling

the wingless one / June 27, 2011 / One comment

Last Friday I had a checkup with my rheumy and like clockwork I had a dream about The Ex and rejection last night.

I almost feel bad for The Ex (though I’m sure he doesn’t care) that he appears to be associated with such negativity by my subconscious.  Consciously I hold nothing against him, in fact I’m grateful for our experience together because it ultimately prepared me for the hubby, but it would seem that my subconscious thinks the man is all Sadness and Pain because seriously?  Everytime my doctor makes me feel as though my body is hopelessly broken and like I might as well just give up now, my mind inevitably starts to obsess over why the ex didn’t want to live happily ever after with me.   Not very subtle right?

Please, no one get the wrong idea here, I am TOTALLY in love with my husband and wouldn’t trade him for anything – not even if The Ex had the cure for lupus stashed away – and I’m completely not in love with The Ex or vice versa.  My subconscious is just dumb and I’m really convinced that since he was the last really painful experience in my life, my mind associates him with being depressed now.

Anyway, the doctor took  the opportunity to reiterate to me once again (I’m starting to feel like I have Ex dreams to look forward to every four months until I either switch doctors or ignore him and get pregnant against doctor’s orders) that he will probably never feel comfortable with me getting pregnant.  I kind of wasn’t expecting him to bring it up again (or maybe I was just hoping he wouldn’t) after the last awful conversation in February but as soon as he started to go there, I was prepared.  I didn’t even flinch when he mentioned adoption (nor did I acknowledge he said it).

But when he started talking about the risks for pre-eclampsia (which unfortunately looks a lot like a kidney flare) and a woman under his treatment who’d had that happen and the baby had to stay in the NICU due to preterm delivery….

That did bother me.

And then on Saturday morning my mom told me that a cousin who I grew up with had an early miscarriage.  Won’t go into details, but unfortunately even that part of it doesn’t seem to be going as it should and I’m just….completely heartbroken for her, so much so that I’m not even sure how to react.  I want to cry and yet I don’t want to let myself feel it because I’m afraid I will feel it too much, if that makes any sense?  I’ve lurked in the infertility blogosphere long enough to know there are a million wrong things I could say, but I’m going to write her an email because I’ve also learned that it’s much worse not to acknowledge it at all.  I don’t know if she knows that I know yet, but with the way the family grapevine works I assume she figures we will all hear soon…

Hearing about my cousin and what my doctor said together shook me.  I’ve been so set on the idea that once I get myself healthy we can at least start trying to get pregnant and now….now I’m just scared.  Wondering even if I can get myself healthy enough to get pregnant, will I stay healthy through a pregnancy?  I started to think about the fact that I don’t fucking trust my body, not one bit, so how can I trust it with the most precious thing in the world – an innocent life?!?  HOW?!

I don’t know if I can.

I really, really want to.  But honestly…as it stands now…even if I were off the meds…in my heart of hearts I know it would be a horribly selfish thing if I got pregnant.  I’m too aware of how broken my body is and I don’t trust it not to try to kill even the things that belong in there (see: YOUR OWN FREAKING KIDNEYS).

So my only hope now is that I can miraculously get my health to a place where I don’t feel that way anymore.  I don’t know if it’s possible.  But I hope it is.  And if it isn’t, I hope I have the strength to know that.

Today I went to my first full acupuncture appointment.  She told me that she thinks my kidneys and heart seem weak based on my tongue and pulse.  Kidneys are obvious since I had just gone through my medical history with her but the heart less so and to be honest it freaked me out a little because I do often feel like I’m having an irregular heartbeat or mild chest pain.   All my EKG’s and stress tests have been normal so I’ve always written it off as being in my head – but maybe not?  I remember my mom telling me that TCM believes that by the time your tests are going wrong it’s too late (makes sense to me).  I’m not 100% sold though on acupuncture and herbs, but (fingers crossed) my insurance covers a dozen or so visits (no copay) so I’m trying it for free anyway.

In other, more exciting news, Paul and I started attending church again.  And by that I mean we’ve gone two consecutive weeks in a row to the same church and I think we’ll probably keep going.  It’s one of the ones we church hopped before when we were torn between a couple and then stopped attending both.  They both had their pluses and minuses but I think until we have kids this one just suits us a little better.  I was feeling pretty down before yesterday’s message and then the pastor gave the exact sermon I needed to hear.  It never ceases to amaze me how God does that.

Sorry if this post felt choppy but it’s literally one of a dozen I’ve started since the last and I really just wanted to get it out before I could think too hard about each sentence and delete the entire thing.

Category: Baby talk, Navel gazing, The wolf /

not to get all rebecca black on you, but, IT’S FRIDAY!

the wingless one / June 17, 2011 / 2 comments

Another hectic, chaotic and above all, another change-filled week at work to follow the last one.

Long story short?

I lost half my team this week.  They moved onto better opportunities so nothing to be sad or disturbed about on that front, but well, change always makes me uncomfortable.  I know this makes me a total lame-o, but I’ve always been one of those people who approaches major changes in life with a weary suspicion as opposed to exuberance and/or excitement.

Although part of me does wonder…

In my last post, I was sort of all but flat out asking God for a sign, don’t you think?  I don’t know if that came through, but I was really praying last week, is this job right for me?  Is this what I should be doing, not even long-term, but even right now?  I was starting to really wonder if maybe the time was here for me to seriously start thinking about whether or not this is good for me – mainly because I was starting to feel like it probably isn’t.

But all the things that happened this week?  They felt like doors opening for me without me even having to move.  Doors I still don’t even know if I want open, but nevertheless doors that seemed to have been blown wide open by this crazy breeze called life.

So maybe this is my sign?  Not the one I expected, but still, maybe this is it?

I’m still not convinced that this is what I’m meant to do for the rest of my life, but I do recognize that especially when it comes to my career, God has always spoken pretty loudly and clearly.  Things have always just gone in a direction where things have ultimately worked out for the best – that is of course unless I’m completely wrong and have actually gone done a terrible path that will actually ultimately lead to an early demise and lots of misery.

I don’t know!!

Agh!

Why can’t I just be happy about good things happening?  What the hell is wrong with me?

Don’t answer that.

Category: The grind /

you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out

the wingless one / June 9, 2011 / No comments

Despite my silence, life is definitely happening.

Except, of course, the one thing that I really, really want to happen.

That?

Not so much.

But, what we are having is another round of cuts at work.  That’s always unbelievable fun right?  This time felt even worse than the previous one(s) since someone I’ve worked with pretty closely since I started (I even interviewed with him!) was let go.

And it’s funny because I’ve FINALLY gotten my butt into gear and started to actually schedule some acupuncture consults/initial treatments and yesterday I finally used this grou.pon that I bought back at the beginning of the year and had a consult/mini-treatment..and…part of the reason I actually felt so motivated is because of how stressed out I’ve been lately.  Over work…and being overworked.  Two weeks ago I started “backing up” a fourth person who moved out from the mothership and while I appreciate the confidence that they must have in me to have me support so many peoples’ business…it’s…a…lot.  Like a freaking lot.  I’ve literally only had time to go get myself lunch ONE day this week so far out of four.  Since two of my team members are out again tomorrow, my guess is I won’t be able to tomorrow either, but we’ll see.

I have to time my bathroom breaks.  People are always asking me for shit.  Every. Fucking. Minute.  Of. The. Day.

For eleven hours.

I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work.  I think about work on Saturday mornings.  Mostly I’m thinking about how I’m not learning fast enough and need to read more and omg what if people start to question why I don’t know more than I do after nine months?!

And then I breathe into a paper bag for awhile (oh and this past Saturday morning in particular, I strongly considered taking one of the anti-anxiety pills they gave me at the hospital last year but eventually decided against it since I really didn’t want to see what fun side effect might come along with shoving yet another pill into my system).

And I realized while I was thinking about all this that I’m a very tightly wound person by nature.  I am easily irritated.  Even by the little things.  Maybe, especially by the little things.  And I’m pretty sure my job is only aggravating that lovely trait because I look around me and everyone I work with is sort of the same way.  I guess because it’s our job to make sure things are done perfectly and um, well, life is the opposite of perfect.

When I told my friend this morning that I need to be more zen-like and calm, he told me, “If you’re looking for relaxing you’re in the wrong industry.”  I’m not discounting other peoples stress at all, but I’m pretty sure that there aren’t that many jobs where you feel more constant pressure (other than military and those who are dealing with peoples’ lives).  There’s a lot of money at stake and things are usually moving very quickly.  A small mistake can cost the firm a lot of money (client’s too, but that usually also ends up costing the firm money when the client gets pissed and stops doing business with us).  And as the person in the middle, you have no real power, but you will get all the blame from both sides.  Part of our job (and yes, we are paid pretty well for it) is simply to absorb a ton of abuse and think of ways to circumvent the abuse by minimizing everyone else’s mistakes by anticipating said mistakes and somehow preventing them.

You have to be “on” all the time, just in case.  And when you actually have to physically leave the desk to, God forbid, pee, if someone needs you while you’re off, that’s your fault.  Bodily functions are not an acceptable excuse.  ‘Cause you should have been there.

…

So I was thinking, I’m essentially I’m a person with a disease that is aggravated by stress in a job where I will be stressed out by default.

Is that smart?

I’m thinking probably not.

But, I really can’t afford to not have a job or even take a lower paying one so…I’m completely stuck.  I was wondering if I’d view being let go as a sign from God, I think I would have, but I definitely am thankful that I wasn’t.

I just need to overcome my stress.  Which is why I’m looking into acupuncture.

Hopefully this way I can keep my job (which I actually do like when I look beyond running around like a chicken with my head cut off for eleven hours straight and waking up at 4am) and not give myself a massive flare when I try to taper eventually….

Category: The grind /