no meaning

At some point during my c-section, the song “Love is Here” by Tenth Avenue North got stuck in my head.

This part in particular repeated over and over again (maybe it’s the only part I can actually remember =P):

All you who labor in vain
And to the broken and shamed

Love is here
Love is now
Love is pouring from His hands, from His brow
Love is near, it satisfies
Streams of mercy flowing from His sides
‘Cause love is here

It just seemed so fitting given what was happening. And the song comforted me in those scary weeks that followed.

When the song came on during the drive home from the hospital this past weekend, I hoped with all my heart that it was a good omen, but sadly what we pray for is not always what God gives us.

My friend’s story is not mine to share, so this post is purposefully lacking detail or a lot of direct talking about my friend and what happened. I’m heartbroken for her and I feel incredibly helpless. I’m doing my best to support her but honestly I know there is more I should be doing and I just can’t think of it because I’m not normally someone who’s good at this kind of thing :/

I keep imagining what she must be going through and I want to DO something, and yet, what can I do? I can’t give her her baby back and that is the only thing she really wants. I keep googling as though somehow Google can tell me how to make this better for her. (Google does actually have a lot of good tips for how to provide the best support you can so that has been helpful).

Also, I know this is completely irrational, but this tiny little superstitious part of me is questioning whether or not I somehow contributed to this happening by being terrified for every person I know who is pregnant until the baby is born healthy? I admit, I breathed a huge sigh of relief after I knew she had gotten past 24 weeks. I think I even said something like “yay” to her. Ughh….

This just really fucking sucks.

One comment

  1. P says:

    I totally understand the superstition. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t talk to pregnant women until they’re in their 3rd trimester for fear my “presence” brings out a bad outcome. But you and I both know we did nothing. She did nothing. The baby did nothing. The doctors and nurses did nothing to cause this. It’s an awful, horrible situation that no one should ever have to go through. You are a great friend for being there for her. I’m sure your presence and being someone to talk to is helping your friend tremendously.