{"id":118,"date":"2010-12-11T18:34:59","date_gmt":"2010-12-12T02:34:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/?p=118"},"modified":"2011-01-27T17:03:57","modified_gmt":"2011-01-28T01:03:57","slug":"apparently-fevers-makes-me-wordy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/?p=118","title":{"rendered":"apparently, fevers makes me wordy"},"content":{"rendered":"

I don’t know why I did it. Especially considering the fact that I already commented on it being a bad idea<\/a> (expletive removed). <\/p>\n

I spent the last two hours combing through my archives. <\/p>\n

And I came to this conclusion.<\/p>\n

That break-up? <\/p>\n

It was definitely<\/i> me. <\/p>\n

I don’t remember being that batshit insane…<\/p>\n

But apparently I was. It’s all documented and everything. (Although to be fair to myself, there’s clearly a LOT that I left out, a few paragraphs every so often, sometimes with months in between, can only capture so much right? Right?).<\/p>\n

I also came to the conclusion that I actually don’t remember my past in much specific detail, just vague notions and hazy impressions. Memory is a tricky thing.<\/p>\n

This actually makes me feel better about myself. Incredibly, I am WAY less crazy than I was in college. How did this happen? I have no idea. Seems like most of my issues revolved around trust, sort of a given considering my family history. <\/p>\n

But I now routinely send my husband out to social events on his own by my own preference<\/i>. Including ones that involve partying with the boys (although, the event he was sent off to solo tonight due to my illness is probably more likely to end in hide-and-seek with the kids than anything remotely unseemly). I won’t lie, I still have my flashes of extremely crazy paranoid jealousy, but I am now able to hide them quite well and talk myself down from the inevitable argument ledge before I get too close.<\/p>\n

So what changed? No clue. Maybe it’s something about Paul or maybe I was finally ready to let some of that stuff go. Maybe the constant jealousy just became too exhausting to sustain. Maybe it’s a function of being older and more removed from the root cause of those feelings. <\/p>\n

The point is, as much as I sometimes feel like I’m running in place, I have been moving forward all this time after all. And in the spirit of moving forward, I think I’m pretty much done talking about all of this now. No promises, of course.<\/p>\n

Kind of glad right now that very few people read this anymore as I have the very distinct feeling that I will be quite embarrassed by all this feverish writing when I look back in a few days.<\/small><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I don’t know why I did it. Especially considering the fact that I already commented on it being a bad idea (expletive removed). I spent the last two hours combing through my archives. And I came to this conclusion. That break-up? It was definitely me. I don’t remember being that batshit insane… But apparently I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-118","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-navel-gazing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/118","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=118"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/118\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=118"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=118"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=118"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}