I can’t believe I’ve let another two weeks pass since my last post.\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n
Actually, I haven’t “let” it at all.\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n
I’ve struggled to find something to say.\u00c2\u00a0 To find the right words to explain that even though on the surface everything appears to be same old, same old, I’m a mess.\u00c2\u00a0 (Okay, so maybe everything is<\/em> same old, same old.)<\/p>\n I feel so stuck.\u00c2\u00a0 I know I need to move forward but I’m just not sure how to do that right now.<\/p>\n I wonder if I could explain how many separate thoughts I have about the same fucking topic, if somehow everything would just make more sense?\u00c2\u00a0 To me, I mean.<\/p>\n And yes, I know, that makes no sense at all.<\/p>\n Some of the random shit going through my head right now for example…<\/p>\n *** I find myself removing IF blogs from my reader once the blogger gets pregnant.\u00c2\u00a0 I have a hard time with them because I’m just not there and there are enough pregnancies\/parents around me that I’m actually invested in (i.e. good friends\/family) that I don’t feel the need to follow the pregnancy of someone who is, for all intents and purposes, a total stranger.\u00c2\u00a0 I torture myself more than enough without that.\u00c2\u00a0 At the same time, I find it’s also difficult to read the posts by women who feel they have come to a point where they have to accept that they will never be mothers.\u00c2\u00a0 Those are hard to read because I’m so fucking afraid that that will be me someday.\u00c2\u00a0 That all hope will be lost and I’ll have to simply accept that I will never experience that part of life that we are instinctually built to want.\u00c2\u00a0 (After all that is the purpose of sex right?\u00c2\u00a0 And we know we all want THAT so…)\u00c2\u00a0 I still force myself to read those blogs though.\u00c2\u00a0 I can’t stop myself.\u00c2\u00a0 What does that say?<\/p>\n ***\u00c2\u00a0I think I’m depressed.\u00c2\u00a0 I know you’re probably thinking that, that’s not news.\u00c2\u00a0 I tend to write here mainly when I’m upset, so it probably seems like there are no\u00c2\u00a0ups and downs, but I really was starting to feel better after the holidays had passed.\u00c2\u00a0 I was starting to eat and sleep better, I started exercising, my energy levels were feeling pretty good…after that doctor appointment though…I feel like I kind of just gave up.\u00c2\u00a0 It didn’t help that it coincided with that nightmare daytrip to LA (which turned into a late-night trip) so I don’t honestly know what it is, but I haven’t been able to shake this feeling of exhaustion since around that time.\u00c2\u00a0 One night I got six straight hours of sleep and then fell right back asleep for another solid hour and a half and I\u00c2\u00a0still <\/em>woke up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all.\u00c2\u00a0 (Normally I don’t sleep for more than three hours without at least waking up briefly.)\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0So I’m actually sleeping\u00c2\u00a0relatively better than normal but I feel tired all the time anyway.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m not\u00c2\u00a0really eating again.\u00c2\u00a0 And also not exercising.\u00c2\u00a0 My joints hurt.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m tired.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s cold.\u00c2\u00a0 Blah, blah, blah.<\/p>\n ***\u00c2\u00a0It bothers me.\u00c2\u00a0 This feeling of isolation.\u00c2\u00a0 Of so few people really knowing what this feels like.\u00c2\u00a0 Sometimes I imagine myself standing in the middle of an empty field, screaming at the top of my lungs.\u00c2\u00a0 Even in my head, it feels so…liberating.\u00c2\u00a0 Honest.\u00c2\u00a0 Does this make me (sound) crazy?\u00c2\u00a0 I do understand, though,\u00c2\u00a0why people can’t know.\u00c2\u00a0 People get pregnant on accident every day.\u00c2\u00a0 It is supposed<\/em> to be easy.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s how the human race has managed to survive this long, isn’t it?\u00c2\u00a0 That also makes me want to scream.<\/p>\n *** I told Paul the other day that I have been struggling with wondering whether or not God really always has a plan.\u00c2\u00a0 See, I’m not questioning whether or not God exists, I still believe wholeheartedly that He does, but I am<\/em> starting to think maybe He isn’t watching everything as closely as we’d like to believe.\u00c2\u00a0 I don’t know.\u00c2\u00a0 I can’t say I’m sure of that either, though.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s just that when you very badly want to be able to carry your husband’s child after spending your life doing most things “right” (i.e. finishing high school, undergrad & grad school, getting married to a good man, getting into a good company & career path, buying a home big enough to “grow” into) it feels like there must not be anyone paying attention when there are babies being aborted every day.\u00c2\u00a0 Or babies that are born and abused or killed.\u00c2\u00a0 I mean, really?\u00c2\u00a0 I would be\u00c2\u00a0 a worse parent than the people who are doing those things?\u00c2\u00a0 Challenge.\u00c2\u00a0 Sometimes life just sucks and isn’t fair, and maybe God doesn’t have to have a hand in that?\u00c2\u00a0 Except, I don’t know that I find that to be a comforting thought either.\u00c2\u00a0 I’ve always found it comforting to know<\/em> that whatever was happening and how bad it sucked that there must be\u00c2\u00a0a reason for it all in the end.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m not sure I feel that way anymore and I feel lost without it.\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n *** Christians will often pray to be “broken.”\u00c2\u00a0 (Don’t think I really hear it used much outside of that context?)\u00c2\u00a0 It’s the only way I can think of to describe how I’m feeling, but I don’t really mean it that way either.\u00c2\u00a0 I just sort of feel plain old broken.\u00c2\u00a0 Broken inside.\u00c2\u00a0 Physically, mentally.\u00c2\u00a0 And probably, let’s face it, spiritually too.\u00c2\u00a0 Sometimes I fixate on that word.\u00c2\u00a0 Broken.\u00c2\u00a0 As though there’s a little devil sitting on my shoulder, whispering the word into my ear to make sure I don’t forget I am broken.<\/em>\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 Where’s the angel?<\/p>\n *** Sometimes when I hear people discuss how physically difficult pregnancy is, I am painfully aware of how I have had almost every single “awful” symptom of a typical pregnancy (and\u00c2\u00a0perhaps even of\u00c2\u00a0a lot\u00c2\u00a0of the difficult ones)\u00c2\u00a0and\u00c2\u00a0I didn’t even get a bundle of joy to bring home at the end of it.\u00c2\u00a0 Based on the amount\u00c2\u00a0of swelling and water retention during the last two flares, I feel I\u00c2\u00a0am owed at least two already.\u00c2\u00a0 Gaining 30lbs, nausea, anemia (= exhaustion),\u00c2\u00a0feet so swollen they don’t fit in your shoes,\u00c2\u00a0aching\u00c2\u00a0lower back (not to mention pretty much any joint you can\u00c2\u00a0imagine and some that you probably don’t know\u00c2\u00a0can ache like the one in your chest),\u00c2\u00a0high blood pressure, leaky kidneys…am I missing anything?\u00c2\u00a0 I mean that sincerely, I’m not saying it to be snarky, it’s just that between the\u00c2\u00a0side effects from the meds and the lupus itself,\u00c2\u00a0I’ve experienced a lot of crappy pregnancy-like symptoms.\u00c2\u00a0 And I do agree that they suck.\u00c2\u00a0 But\u00c2\u00a0it sucks even worse to have nothing to show for it at the end.\u00c2\u00a0 \u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n Clearly I could keep this going forever, such is the state of mind I’ve been in since my doctor had his poorly thought out adoption talk with me.\u00c2\u00a0 But I think you get the point.\u00c2\u00a0 This is why I’ve been so quiet.\u00c2\u00a0 Because there is no continuity to me at all right now.\u00c2\u00a0 In fact I’m kind of liking the stars, hmm….<\/p>\n Anyway, time to go pick up the husband as he is pretty much my last lifeline to sanity.\u00c2\u00a0 Or something like it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I can’t believe I’ve let another two weeks pass since my last post.\u00c2\u00a0 Actually, I haven’t “let” it at all.\u00c2\u00a0 I’ve struggled to find something to say.\u00c2\u00a0 To find the right words to explain that even though on the surface everything appears to be same old, same old, I’m a mess.\u00c2\u00a0 (Okay, so maybe everything 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