All that positivity I was feeling last week?<\/p>\n
Gone.\u00c2\u00a0 Totally gone.<\/p>\n
On Sunday after service I was actually wondering if perhaps God wasn’t trying to tell me that I should be content at my job, that even though it can be REALLY tough to be a Christian in this environment, that was exactly the reason I needed to stay.\u00c2\u00a0 The sermon was about how we can glorify God in everything we do.\u00c2\u00a0 I thought it was speaking to me.\u00c2\u00a0 I thought it was a sign.<\/p>\n
Now I have another sign.\u00c2\u00a0 I feel terrible.\u00c2\u00a0 Physically terrible.\u00c2\u00a0 I shouldn’t even be sitting up typing this right now since my arms are aching up into my shoulder blades.\u00c2\u00a0 My back hurts.\u00c2\u00a0 My knees hurt.\u00c2\u00a0 My kidneys ache.\u00c2\u00a0 Everything hurts.<\/p>\n
I’m exhausted, I feel anemic.\u00c2\u00a0 And sadly, I know<\/em> what that feels like.\u00c2\u00a0 It feels like this.\u00c2\u00a0 And this feels like another big fucking flare coming on.<\/p>\n And I’m pissed.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m pissed at myself for not knowing my limits.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m pissed that once again, just when I was feeling better and hopeful about my health and reproductive possibilities for the future, this is happening again.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m pissed that I did this to my own body for a fucking paycheck.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m just…so…pissed…at me.<\/p>\n Last week I went out to a baseball game with a client.\u00c2\u00a0 I didn’t really want to go but my senior guy wanted me to come.\u00c2\u00a0 It felt like the sunniest freaking day of the summer.\u00c2\u00a0 I brought a big hat, I covered myself with my jacket even though I was sweating.\u00c2\u00a0 But I should have known that I should have told them I needed to go inside.\u00c2\u00a0 That I couldn’t be in that kind of sun even if I was all covered up.\u00c2\u00a0 But I didn’t because I was afraid of how it would look.\u00c2\u00a0 And now this.<\/p>\n And of course this was probably the most stressful week for the markets since I’ve started in my new role.\u00c2\u00a0 Of course.\u00c2\u00a0 And of course one of my senior guys was out so I had to put so much more pressure on myself than I normally do\u00c2\u00a0(which is still probably too much).\u00c2\u00a0 Of course.\u00c2\u00a0 And of course, I can’t take time off even though that’s probably the one and only thing that can stave off this flare right now.\u00c2\u00a0 Such is the nature of what I do.<\/p>\n I don’t know why I do this to myself or how much longer it can go on.\u00c2\u00a0 I really don’t.<\/p>\n I’m dreading going to the doctor.\u00c2\u00a0 I don’t want to.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m going to up my steroids and hope that helps.<\/p>\n Sigh.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" All that positivity I was feeling last week? Gone.\u00c2\u00a0 Totally gone. On Sunday after service I was actually wondering if perhaps God wasn’t trying to tell me that I should be content at my job, that even though it can be REALLY tough to be a Christian in this environment, that was exactly the reason […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10,6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-370","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-the-grind","category-well-that-hurt"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/370","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=370"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/370\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":371,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/370\/revisions\/371"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=370"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=370"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=370"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}