I decided to stay home from work today, still feeling malaise and it is raining out which means my arthritis is acting up.\u00c2\u00a0 Or maybe it’s just the fact that I have been sleeping terribly.\u00c2\u00a0 I had a nice stretch of sleeping 5hrs at a time but am now back to just about two before I wake up for the inevitable pee break.<\/p>\n
I dropped Paul off at work because the poor boy has been quite ill with stomach flu the past few days and I didn’t want him walking to work in the cold\/rain, and on the way home I started to feel…well…bad.\u00c2\u00a0 Of the emotional\/mental sort in addition to my physical ailments.<\/p>\n
Maybe it’s just that time of year.\u00c2\u00a0 My post-Thanksgiving, pre-Christmas blues.\u00c2\u00a0 Driving by my office I felt bad.\u00c2\u00a0 Should I really be staying home when I’m not sick as a dog sick?\u00c2\u00a0 Somehow my mind wandered to setting a bad example for the baby and then to whether or not I will be a good\/worthy mother.<\/p>\n
But lupus has really thrown a wrench in my assessment of how guilty I should feel about things like this.<\/p>\n
The truth of the matter is, I no longer know how much I should be pushing myself, how much I can physically handle.\u00c2\u00a0 How wise it is to power through the small physical discomforts that everyone occassionally faces.\u00c2\u00a0 I used to chalk it up to my lazy ass nature, which let’s face it, I’m pretty damn lazy.\u00c2\u00a0 I don’t like to push myself and when I was in school I usually didn’t.\u00c2\u00a0 And that was all pre-lupus so it was easy for me to scold myself for being a bum.<\/p>\n
In my professional career though, which pretty much has run concurrent with my lupus diagnosis, it’s no longer so clear.\u00c2\u00a0 I’ve certainly pushed myself, gone to work many times when I probably shouldn’t have.\u00c2\u00a0 Put work ahead of doctors appointments that, in hindsight, could have bordered on life\/death importance.\u00c2\u00a0 Agreed to be in situations that could have had serious long-term consequences for my health in order to be a “team player.”<\/p>\n
This year though, as I became serious about putting my health first and then got pregnant, I’ve taken off a lot of days that have felt questionable to me.\u00c2\u00a0 And I haven’t known, what is the right thing to do?\u00c2\u00a0 I’m terrified that if I “push through” and end up REALLY sick and somehow hurt my longterm health or the baby, I will never forgive myself.\u00c2\u00a0 But on the other hand, I still have my work ethic which sometimes yells at me and calls me lazy.<\/p>\n
It’s hard to know which is which anymore.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s hard to know where to draw the line.\u00c2\u00a0 I guess I’m afraid that if I err to far on the side of caution my lazy nature will let me keep drawing it further and further back and I’ll just become that fat, bon-bon eating, creature on the couch caricature of a mom that my kids will be embarrassed for their friends to see.<\/p>\n
Sigh.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I decided to stay home from work today, still feeling malaise and it is raining out which means my arthritis is acting up.\u00c2\u00a0 Or maybe it’s just the fact that I have been sleeping terribly.\u00c2\u00a0 I had a nice stretch of sleeping 5hrs at a time but am now back to just about two before […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-616","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-the-wolf"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/616","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=616"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/616\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=616"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=616"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=616"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}