Lately, the push, the pull, the questions, the “damn I want another one” feeling seems omnipresent. <\/p>\n
T is turning two soon. Something about two leads to questions about number two. From everyone. <\/p>\n
Including ourselves.<\/p>\n
I have an appointment scheduled with my MFM. I want to ask him about what happened last time, and I know he won’t have a definite answer for me (although my fingers are crossed that MFM’s are now issued crystal balls along with their MD’s), but I just need to hear it from him what he thinks the chances are that we’ll go through all that again. <\/p>\n
My health…<\/p>\n
Well I know it’s not great. It could be worse. But I was healthier before I got pregnant with T and look how that turned out. So I know that right now<\/em> isn’t the right time. But I also know my health turns at the snap of the fingers, maybe a few months from now could be the right time? Or not. <\/p>\n Realistically I know what happened last time. If my antibodies are still there, even at all, even a little bit, then the risk is there. <\/p>\n I look at T. He was obviously worth the risk. Except, wait, I risked him<\/em>. Well, fuck.<\/p>\n I’ve been looking at his baby pictures. Looking at my sweet little baby with all his rolls. Watching videos of him learning to walk. I do want more of that. I want to bury myself in it and never come up for air. I want it so bad sometimes it’s like I can actually feel my damn uterus aching. <\/p>\n Stupid biology. Stupid fucking body.<\/p>\n We talk about how hard it would be. How tired we are already. How we snap at each other when we never did before. Will we have enough energy to give T his fair share AND another one? <\/p>\n Paul is positive he can push through anything, the awesomeness is worth it. He knows this with all his heart.<\/p>\n I know it too, but unfortunately I also know that it’s not my heart I’m worried about. More like my kidneys.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Lately, the push, the pull, the questions, the “damn I want another one” feeling seems omnipresent. T is turning two soon. Something about two leads to questions about number two. From everyone. Including ourselves. I have an appointment scheduled with my MFM. I want to ask him about what happened last time, and I know […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-780","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-navel-gazing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/780","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=780"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/780\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=780"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=780"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=780"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}