An anniversary passed early this year, quietly, unnoticed. \u00c2\u00a0Perhaps not one I was ready to think about at the time.<\/p>\n
In early 2005 I was diagnosed with lupus nephritis. \u00c2\u00a0For me the moment of my diagnosis is one of those that is seared into my mind, just as clear as the first moment I laid eyes on my son.<\/p>\n
I remember the compassion in my doctor’s voice. \u00c2\u00a0The reassurance to me that this was not a death sentence. \u00c2\u00a0The alarm I felt at hearing the word “death” at all, since I knew literally nothing about lupus nephritis. \u00c2\u00a0It was only later as I perused Google that I realized why he had said that. \u00c2\u00a0Thirty years earlier, probably around the time my doctor had begun his practice, lupus nephritis would<\/i> have been a death sentence. \u00c2\u00a0The ten year mortality rate in the 1970’s and 1980’s was abysmal, below 50%.<\/p>\n
Lucky for me, by the time of my diagnosis modern medicine had progressed to the point that here I am ten years later. \u00c2\u00a0Not only alive, but married to a wonderful, supportive man, and with a beautiful young son I had the privilege of carrying inside my womb. \u00c2\u00a0I have a thriving career, a lovely home in the heart of one of the most beautiful cities in the world, and so many plans for my future.<\/p>\n
I am incredibly grateful for each and every day. \u00c2\u00a0Beyond thankful for my miracle baby. \u00c2\u00a0And oh so aware, that had I been born just a few decades earlier I would most likely not have had any of these things. \u00c2\u00a0I would be dead, close to it, or at the very least, really, really sick. \u00c2\u00a0The fact that I am none of these things, is a gift.<\/p>\n
Hold on, is this really the life I’m living?
\nCause I don’t feel like I deserve it
\nEvery day that I wake, every breath that I take, You’ve given<\/p>\nSo right here, right now, while the sun is shining down
\nI want to live like there’s no tomorrow
\nLove like I’m on borrowed time
\nIt’s good to be alive<\/p>\nI won’t take it for granted
\nI won’t waste another second
\nAll I want is to give You
\nA life well lived, to say “thank you”<\/p>\n– Good to be Alive by Jason Gray<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\u00c2\u00a0<\/i><\/i><\/p>\n
And yet…<\/p>\n
How can it be that I still want more? \u00c2\u00a0I’m alive. \u00c2\u00a0This is a miracle. \u00c2\u00a0I have a son. \u00c2\u00a0This is even more of a miracle. \u00c2\u00a0But somehow something inside me still aches when I see the young mother holding her toddler’s hand as she rubs her large pregnant belly. \u00c2\u00a0When I see siblings laughing and playing together.<\/p>\n
How can it be that T is more than enough, more than I even had a right to hope for, but yet still I long for another baby. \u00c2\u00a0It isn’t rationale. \u00c2\u00a0But then, is a mother’s love ever<\/i>\u00c2\u00a0rational? \u00c2\u00a0The love a mother feels for her child is probably best described as primale, instinctive, all-encompassing and completely irrational at times.<\/p>\n
So this is why I’ve come to the point where I’m torn between amazement and gratitude I feel at the privilege of being alive, of being a mother at all, and the impulse to gamble my health, possibly my life, for the chance to give my son a sibling.<\/p>\n
It doesn’t feel fair.<\/p>\n
But then I remember, it’s been ten years. \u00c2\u00a0And here I am. \u00c2\u00a0Alive.<\/p>\n
Life’s not always fair, but God is always good.<\/p>\n
So I’m trying my best to really leave this in His hands. \u00c2\u00a0To pray. \u00c2\u00a0But to also not let this consume me the way I know it could.<\/p>\n
I feel strongly that God has led me through every step of my life. \u00c2\u00a0He has carried me when I was too weak to walk on my own. \u00c2\u00a0And I think maybe I’m there again, in a place where I need to let Him lead me. \u00c2\u00a0Maybe I won’t like the answer, but I hope he can bring me to a place where I can accept the answer whatever it is.<\/p>\n
And I hope that I can always remember, no matter the circumstances, to live a life well lived.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
An anniversary passed early this year, quietly, unnoticed. \u00c2\u00a0Perhaps not one I was ready to think about at the time. In early 2005 I was diagnosed with lupus nephritis. \u00c2\u00a0For me the moment of my diagnosis is one of those that is seared into my mind, just as clear as the first moment I laid […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-793","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-navel-gazing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/793","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=793"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/793\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=793"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=793"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=793"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}