Is it narcissistic to be a little bit obsessed with your former self? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because if so, I’m seriously indulging in some narcissistic behavior right now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’m writing at 3am, something I haven’t done probably since college? Which is fitting since those are the years I’m thinking about right now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am alone with my thoughts this weekend, something that happens rarely if ever these days, something I am very grateful for. I think it’s healthy for me to be too busy to think, to dwell, to reach back to a less healthy version of myself. But I recently finished a tv series\/book about toxic college relationships and with all this alone time, I got in my head. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was so long ago, I tell myself, why does it even matter now? Why bother with it? But it fascinates me. Reading through my old journals, seeing how broken I was. How toxic I <\/em>was despite how much I convinced myself it was them – the boys. Like I was some innocent victim when surely, even then, I must have known on some level that I was just as fucked up and complicit – that I caused <\/em>pain as much as I felt it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Also, I’m 99% sure I had an eating disorder. (Realistically referring to it in the past tense is probably wrong but that’s a post for another time.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n But aside from that I look at the things I wrote, or the things that I didn’t write down but know were happening during my more cryptic posts, and I don’t know how I got from point A to point B. How did someone who seemed so broken, become someone just normally broken, in the way everyone else is? <\/p>\n\n\n\n Or maybe I’m being overly dramatic, maybe I wasn’t that special, maybe everyone in college has disordered relationships and I was just lucky that I moved on from that world quickly once it ended? <\/p>\n\n\n\n Too tired to think anymore. Too exhausted to sleep. Oh well. Is it narcissistic to be a little bit obsessed with your former self? Because if so, I’m seriously indulging in some narcissistic behavior right now. I’m writing at 3am, something I haven’t done probably since college? Which is fitting since those are the years I’m thinking about right now. I am alone with my thoughts […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-853","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-down-the-rabbit-hole","category-navel-gazing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/853","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=853"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/853\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":854,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/853\/revisions\/854"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=853"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=853"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/transcended.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=853"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"