Briefly ::
Hi, I'm Joyce. I'm 22 years old and a recent grad
from UCLA with a degree in Political Science. I'm a staunch
Republitarian and damn
proud of it. I live with my cat Taz.
I support President Bush. People without common sense annoy me .... more?
I'm about to head to the beach with my buddy Julie. Got my fatty poli sci reader, beach towel, and camera ready to go in my backpack. Amazing how much a little sun and a little ass can brighten up your mood =) Two more days and I'm done >< Joyce was still breathing at 3:38 PM
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Friday, June 11, 2004
shame
so what we learned here is love tastes bitter when it's gone past yourself, forget the light, things look dirty when it's on funny how it comes to pass that all the good slips away and there's no one around you can remember being good to you
shame shouldn't try you couldn't step by you and open up more shame
what we lost here is something better left alone second steps have been forgotten will you tell me how they go? set yourself, situate, like a fool try again there's no one around you can remember being good for you
so shame shouldn't try you couldn't step by you and open up more shame
we never thought we'd get so troubled we could never think that much it should never get this bad
so let the wind blow ya across the big floor but there's no one around who can tell us what we're here for
funny in certain light how we all look the same and there's no one in life you can remember ever stood for you
so shame shouldn't try you couldn't step by you and open up more shame
- matchbox 20 Joyce was still breathing at 7:48 PM
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pause please
I can't handle stress. I feel so paralyzed, like a deer caught in the headlights...I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Maybe there isn't anything to do and that's why I'm so stressed. Either way this sucks. I hate myself so much right now. I am an idiot. I'd tell you but then you'd just think I was one too. I suck. S-U-C-K. Joyce was still breathing at 1:26 PM
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Thursday, June 10, 2004
wasting my time
I feel like I've wasted so much of myself, and my time, on the wrong damn people. It's such a bad habit and I can't seem to break it. Joyce was still breathing at 11:33 PM
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mess
My apartment feels so disgusting right now even though it isn't all that bad. It's just old and falling apart and the carpets are stained beyond recognition. Combine that my things dropped in random places and voila everything looks and feels like a huge mess. I can't wait to move out of here. If my room feels like a mess I usually do too.
Truthfully, getting out of LA would be ideal. Lately I've been feeling the need, the desperate desire really, to get the hell away from this place. I wish I could run away to someplace completely new. If only I could afford to meander through Europe for awhile (or forever). Somewhere where I could get lost for awhile and not give a damn because I wasn't looking for anything anyway. Except maybe myself.
I definitely got this from my dad. Wanderlust. I think one of the reasons I'm such a contradiction is because my parents are complete opposites personality-wise and I'm a mixture of both of them. My mom is a very family-oriented, stability-oriented person who means what she says and says what she means and rarely strays from the course she's mapped out for herself. This isn't to say my mom isn't a risk-taker...after 20 years as a computer programmer with Bank of America she left her job to get her masters in family therapy and she just recently started a counseling center out of our church back home. She made that decision to go back to school and she saw it all the way through. This is probably what I admire most about both my mother and my sister, they have this amazing ability to dedicate themselves completely to something. They will never give half of themselves to the things or people or God that they love. So anyway, I'm pretty sure the part of me that craves stability and tradition comes from my mom.
Then there's my dad, who's a completely different story. I know my dad loves us, but the part of me that has this romantic notion of wandering a foreign place alone comes from him and I know that a part of him probably always has one foot mentally out the door. My dad has been interested in a million different things, most recently his music, but before that there was the *insert derogatory adjective* bitch he cheated on my mom with, before that there was the stock market, before that there was his flea-market stand...and so on and so forth. I can be like that a lot too. My mom periodically brings up the fact that she thinks I have ADD. It's funny my mom is totally anti-medication (she is a therapist after all and not a psychiatrist hehe) but the more she gets to know me the more she thinks I need to be medicated for all these psychological disorders.
Neither of my parents are lazy though, so where did that come from? Hm...Oh well, that's beside the point...
So that's why I'm always going in two different directions, can't make up my mind for shit and yet I know exactly what I want too. And that's why I say I want stability but I wish I could run away from what's shaping up to be a "stable" life right here in Los Angeles. I want an unstable stability. My dad has a lot of romantic notions of how life should be. And I think I got 'em all. Joyce was still breathing at 9:26 AM
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Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Jane Doe
Sometime last year a girl was raped in the dorms. Three monsters sexually assaulted her in her own room and are now apparently being retried for sexual assault. Please sign this petition supporting the case and this poor girl who was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Rapists should be tortured. Joyce was still breathing at 10:02 PM
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Monday, June 07, 2004
i want a boy...
with beautiful eyes who looks good shirtless in pajama pants who loves America as much as I do who believes in doing what you love and not just what makes money with lips you just want to lick who thinks I look good even when I really don't with lofty ambitions who is never needlessly mean or cruel to anyone who means what he says and says what he means who never stops trying who wants to spend a Sunday afternoon reading in the park with me who lets me be crazy sometimes and doesn't try to fix me without (too much) baggage who can hold his own in a debate (on anything) who cooks for me who takes care of me when I'm sick who watches football games with me who volunteers who thinks he can make a difference who can write beautifully who wants to take care of me (even if I don't always let him) with a whole life, separate from mine, that he lets me into who I can talk to forever who loves me so much he can't hide it who knows what he wants from life and me who knows himself who I can be a little brat around sometimes who I can spend a whole day in bed with watching TV or nothing at all who I just have to look at to be turned on who knows how to have fun
In junior high school me, Helen, Grace and Lian used to make all these lists of qualities we'd want in a guy. One time we even drew a composite of Lian's perfect guy and named him and everything (Julian Chen...or was it Julien?). Anyway, I started to think a few weeks ago that maybe I'd have a better idea of what I'm actually looking for in a boy if I started a list of qualities my ideal guy would have. So there's the beginning of my list. I'm sure it'll get a lot longer. Obviously I don't expect to find someone who matches perfectly, heck I'd be happy with 51% =) I've had some unpleasant experiences with relationships, usually because I get used and taken for granted, so sadly my expectations are rather low. Joyce was still breathing at 12:38 AM
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Sunday, June 06, 2004
A Thank You
When President Reagan first took office I wasn't even a fetus yet. When I was young, I had no idea, no concept of what a great man he was. The Cold War was this vague distant idea to me because by the time I was old enough to be afraid of the end of the world, the Cold War was over. And I never knew who to thank for that, I never knew there was something to be thankful for, until I started studying history on my own, away from the biases of my liberal high school teachers.
I remember watching this interview on FoxNews with Michael Reagan awhile back, around the time Miracle came out, and Mr. Reagan was asked what he thought President Reagan would feel was his own proudest achievement. Mr. Reagan responded by beginning to talk about Miracle and how in that movie (set in 1980) you can really see how America was discouraged and down on itself at that time...the Soviets were winning, the liberals in our own country were busy convincing everyone maybe the commies weren't so bad after all (they only killed twenty plus million of their own people)...we lost our sense of right and wrong and the belief that we were on the side of "good." Americans had lost their faith in America. Then President Reagan took office and he told Americans that the Soviets were the "evil empire," that we were fighting the good fight...he restored our belief in ourselves. And that is what Michael Reagan thought his father was most proud of.
I'm not sure what else to say. But, I guess because of the Alzheimer's, this was for the best. At least now he's in Heaven. I just wanted to finally say thanks I guess.
