Archive for fuck cancer


When my mother passed away, I was silent. I couldn’t even let my best friends know, couldn’t acknowledge with words what had happened. Maybe I felt like if I didn’t say it I could still pretend.

I barely cried, crying would be an acknowledgment that something bad had happened.

For the last three weeks I have had moments of sadness that I quickly push away.  You see, it’s not real.

But today I can’t stop the tears from flowing. Today we are picking up the keys to our new home and it hit me that my mom will never see it.  

Today it’s real. Today, the first big life event that I face without my mom at my side. Is this what it will always be like from now on? Will every happy life event also be tinged with sadness? 

so this is happening now i guess

I can’t really find the words to say what I need to say. Maybe there are no words. Just this desperation that keeps bubbling up inside me with nowhere to go.

What’s the best way to do this? Rip it off like a bandaid?

My mom is probably going to die of cancer. She probably doesn’t have very long. It’s probably going to be awful.

The CT report hasn’t even left us much room to hope for a better outcome with the biopsy. Short of a complete miracle, the writing appears to be on the wall. We will likely know by next week.