Archive for Game time

it’s not all about my uterus

** As I’m sure even those of you who don’t give a crap about basketball are aware, the Miami Heat are the new champs of the NBA.  I spent most of the series thinking I was cheering for the Thunder and yet during the actual games cheering for plays made by the Heat.  It was all very confusing until Game 5 when Mike Miller rained down a barrage of three’s even though he could clearly barely walk up and down the court thanks to his old-man back.  That’s when I realized that although I preferred the Thunder stars (KD, Westbrook and Ibaka in particular, Harden needs to shave his beard and then maybe) I can’t stand a lot of their role players.  (Two words: Derek Fisher.  ‘Nuff said.)  The opposite is true of Miami, I love their role players (c’mon, Haslem, Turiaf, Battier, Chalmers, Cole, and Miller with his Gatorade commercial worthy Game 5, what’s not to love about all those guys?) and at the end of the day, I’m a gal that loves role players.  To me, they make up the heart of the team and they are always overlooked despite the fact that a role player is almost always the difference maker in winning a championship.  Stars will do their thang, it’s the role players and their gutsy, no glory performances that make the difference.  What can I say?  I’m a dirty work gal, and I prefer the dirty work players of Miami to those on the Thunder.  So even though I thought I wanted the Thunder to win, I find myself overjoyed for all the players who contributed to the Miami win.  Well done boys.  And just like when the Giants won the World Series a couple years ago, I really, really love that moment when the win sinks in and grown men turn into little boys.  It always makes me smile (unless it’s the Lakers, of course).

** Have you guys heard about those little monsters that bullied a 68-year old grandma on the school bus?  I admit, I couldn’t watch more than a few seconds of the video without wanting to burst out into tears.  Reading the descriptions of the things that were said were bad enough.  One of my friends said the dreaded phrase, “kids being kids” and I completely lost it at him.  If that is “kids being kids” then kids must be vile little creatures.  I get kids bullying other kids, but what has happened to our society that kids have the nerve to bully a senior citizen?  My first thought was, wow, I hope their parents are completely ashamed of themselves.  Of course, the sad fact is, they’re probably not.  How else could they have raised such disgusting, disrespectful, foul-mouthed little creatures?  I read in an ABC article that one of the father’s said he thinks his son has been punished enough.  Well, it’s exactly that kind of attitude that has let your son turn into an adult-size asshole right before your eyes.  If that was my kid?  First of all, I’d be asking what I did wrong, and second, I would be marching my child over to Mrs. Klein’s house and tell him he better get down on his hands and knees and beg for forgiveness.  I would also be doing everything I could to apologize (in person, none of this writing a letter and sending it through the news media bullshit) to that poor lady and her family.  And you better believe, every single video game cartridge memory card my kid owned would be deleted immediately, not to mention grounding for the entire summer (or maybe until they graduate from high school).  But again, I doubt any of that will happen to these kids because their parents are probably too busy telling them it’s not their fault.  Thank goodness the little twerps were dumb enough to film the whole thing themselves and put it up on the internet of their own accord, thinking it would be just hilarious.  At least now Mrs. Klein will have enough money to retire and never have to be within five feet of those awful “children” again. Here is the best article I’ve read so far on the whole thing.

** My friend Lian pointed out this Atlantic Magazine article to me entitled Why Women Still Can’t Have It All.  I found it fascinating, particularly in that the reasons Slaughter gave for why it is difficult for women with families to succeed in the world of international relations are directly applicable to the field I work in.  Long hours in the office?  Check.  Frequent travel?  Check.  Inflexible schedules?  Check.  And let’s face it, Wall Street is still very much an “ol’ boys club.”  I consider myself lucky that I work in a San Francisco branch office because the work-life balance here is leaps and bounds better than it would be if I were in NYC, but even in SF there is the pressure to put in facetime and never take time off unless you absolutely have to.  For example, I get four weeks of vacation each year but haven’t even come close to taking that amount of time off.  Last year I rolled over the maximum allowed ten days and right now I’m sitting on 26 days of vacation time.  I’ve recently started thinking long and hard about what direction my career will take if this pregnancy is successful and I have yet to come up with any answers.  There are only a handful of women in the office who have a role similar to mine and only ONE that has a child.  The one that does have a child is much older than I am, had her child only very recently (I have never asked but my guess is she plans to have only one, given her age) and was already extremely senior in the firm before she got pregnant.  Most of the men I work with have children, but they also almost all have stay at home (or work from home) wives.  I don’t really have anyone to look to for how to be the kind of working mother I’d like to be if I stay within my current position, and I do find that somewhat upsetting.  I think there are a lot of ways that I could easily do my job at least part of the time from home, but I don’t know if the culture of my job (not just at my firm, but across the entire street) would be open to that.  Hopefully (there’s that word again!) this will be something I actually get to try to figure out in 8 months or so.

now i’m just rambling

I wanted to try and write something a little more cheery after yesterday’s festival of sadness and self-pity. Mainly because I personally really hate seeing such depressing stuff as my top post.

But I got nothing.

Okay, well, it is Friday right? Can’t be mad about that.

Except now I’m going to go into my laundry list of reasons for not being thrilled for this particular weekend. With the caveat that it is still definitely better than the work week, I just like to complain.

I get to go to the lab again for a poking tomorrow. I’m hoping just two vials this time though and preferrably not the big needle so I don’t look like a heroin addict on Monday, like I so often do. I don’t know why some phlebotomists feel the need to use the big needle on me, I have good veins, I don’t need the big needle! But I never speak up and tell them this because I’m kind of a doormat that hates confrontation. Also, I prefer not to question people who are about to stab me with the big needle.

The Superbowl is also depressing me in a, man, it is so awesome to feel depressed over something as trivial as sports, kind of way. Of course, it would be much more awesome if I were feeling excited for the Superbowl because the Niners were about to beat the Pats in it. As it is, I’m stuck cheering for the Giants – the team that broke my heart two short weeks ago! – and feeling like the truth is I’m not going to feel happy about the result of this game either way.

Like I said though, it actually does feel nice to feel depressed over a game instead of over whether or not I’ll ever achieve the one and only goal in my life that I had assumed would take zero effort to achieve.

But I’m not ready to get into all of that again, so instead a funny story from yesterday. I was driving home and Paul was checking his voicemail when he started laughing at a message. It turns out the flower shop he orders my Valentine’s Day flowers from every year was calling because they hadn’t gotten an order from him this year – he didn’t call them back so now they probably think we broke up haha!

In case you’re wondering why no flowers this year? I told him he didn’t need to. Sometimes I feel bad because I can be so unromantic and my husband loves surprises and flowers and all of that stuff, so I feel like I can just never give him the reaction he’s looking for. I think it’s really sweet, but it’s also just not something I feel like I need from him. This is going to sound all kinds of gross, but he is so amazingly sweet and thoughtful every day that there’s just not many more points he can score by going big a few days out of the year. The man cooks, cleans, works full time, goes shopping for me, wakes up at 4:30 a.m. to drop me off at the office (even though he starts at 8 a.m.!) and somehow also manages to never lose his temper even though he is married to a crazy person.

When we first started dating eight years ago, every. single. one. of my guy friends was predicting that he’d stop doing things, like opening the car door for me, within six months. Then when we got engaged a year and a half later and he was still opening the car door for me? They all said they were now sure it would end after the wedding.

(Incidentally, now you also know the apparent reason most men get married – so they don’t have to open the car door for you anymore).

Anyway, here we are five years later and I just have one thing to say, every single one of them was wrong. Every. Single. One.

The only thing wrong with this man is that he is attracted to me. But I can live with that.

a sports analogy


That is the only way to describe yesterday.  I nearly lost my voice from all the screaming and went to bed sad and disappointed.

Yes, I’m talking about the Niners.  I think other than my fellow fans in red and gold, only those in Baltimore can feel my pain today.


This is why following sports can be so hard.  Your emotions rise and fall on the performance of others, people you have no control over (I’m looking at you Kyle Williams!) despite wearing your lucky shirt or following a pre-game routine or avoiding certain behaviors that could be seen as “jinxing” them.

It’s weird how similar it feels sometimes to my journey towards pregnancy.  How often I’ve felt like an observer on the sidelines, breath held, lucky hat on my head, fingers crossed, just hoping, wishing, praying for the ball to cross that line.

I know I have much more control over my health than I do a football game, but sometimes the lupus does make me feel just as powerless.  In my lowest moments I can’t help but feel like despite my best efforts, I can’t win.  Right now, I’m fighting a cold that I’m terrified will send me into a flare – I’m sure my doctors would attribute a flare right now to me switching meds and not simply the stress getting sick puts on my body, particularly when my work schedule is such that I can’t take time off to properly rest.

(And in case you’re wondering, what happens if I get sick during pregnancy?  I plan to tell my boss VERY early on despite common practice because I do plan on doing whatever I need to, including missing as much work as necessary, to maintain a healthy pregnancy.  But it’s hard to tell your company this BEFORE you even get pregnant).

I guess all I can do is keep doing what I can to stay healthy and at the end of the day, keep hoping for victory.

hodge podge

I had a really angry, bitter moment today.  Okay, clearly I have a lot of those every day, but this was one of those where I found myself suddenly typing in all caps and wanting to rage at anyone who would listen.  I was at work so luckily I managed to keep my audience down to the hubs and our other buddy who is in a Bloomberg chat with us.

Let’s reach into the archives for a moment and revisit this post from October 2010 when I found out that Paul’s douchey childhood best friend had a child out of wedlock.  I don’t know if I ever mentioned this here, but I was right about her being young (I think she had just turned twenty when the baby was born).  I had met some of his girlfriends when he was living here in the states and started calling all of them Bambi because he liked girls who were young and naive and he switched them out often enough (and they were similar enough) that I didn’t even bother trying to remember their names.

Anyway, he came up today in conversation because he had sent Paul some pictures of a copper mine they just found on his land in the Philippines and bragging about how he now (literally) has a private army to protect him (because kidnappings of rich folks are common in the PI).  I remarked casually that he better also have someone guarding his gf and their kid and Paul casually mentioned back, “Oh he has a new gf now.”  Um, of course he does.  And she’s probably twelve and he will probably knock her up too because he is a scumbag douchehole and I officially hate his guts.  He lives such a fucking charmed life it makes me sick.  I don’t know why I have such a visceral reaction to him in particular, but I do.  It probably has something to do with the fact that Paul always has an excuse for him and it doesn’t even make sense to me how they are still friends because they are so different and have such completely opposite moral codes (they have been best friends since they were six years old and maintain their friendship now even though they live on different sides of the world).

It’s just NOT FAIR.  And I know that all this “infertility stuff” is one giant lesson in how fucking unfair life is, but still – IT’S SO FUCKING UNFAIR that this cradle-robbing prick has managed to spread his seed.  Ugh.


As I mentioned briefly in my last post rant, I switched meds last weekend.  I did finally hear back from the doctor last week and was told that based on the test they ran I didn’t seem to be at risk for my WBC crapping out.  So, yay.  He did throw in the caveat once again, “if this is still what you want to do….” before he went on to ask me where they should send the prescription.  I also have to go get my blood drawn again next week and probably every two weeks or so for the next eight weeks.  I want to be excited about this, but I also don’t want to get my hopes up.  I am supposed to be in a wedding in August and I actually let myself think the thought, “What if I get a bridesmaid dress and then can’t fit into it because I’m big and pregnant?”  Then I quickly smashed the thought of my head because there are still so many things that could go wrong between now and me being pregnant and carrying to full term.  Is it bad for me to think this way?  Am I dooming myself to failure?  Or just acting out of self-preservation?  I wish I knew the answer.


Now that I’m officially on some sort of path towards fixing up the ol’ body in order to gestate another person, I really need to figure out how to kick my Am.bien habit.  It’s on the backburner right now while I take care of some other stuff and adjust to the new meds.  Lack of sleep always causes me to flare so I figure it’s probably not ideal to go cold turkey.  I need to figure out some sort of regimen to taper down over the next few months while I’m still on the Cell.cept anyway.

I think Paul will be glad when I quit because I’ve had some weird nights lately in my hazy Amb.ien induced fog.  On Tuesday, for some reason I decided it would be a good idea to go up the stairs, in the dark, with a bowl of pears in one hand and a plate of rice in the other.  Of course, I tripped and fell on the way up and broke the plate and Paul found me standing, confused in the stairwell.  He sent me up to the room and cleaned up the mess.

The next night I think I had some sort of meltdown where I spewed all my secret fears about, “What if I flare after the baby is born and I die?” and told him that I wanted him to find a nice woman to get remarried to and raise our imaginary child with.  I also vaguely remember repeating over and over again that he is too good for me and asking him why he was even with me.  The only reason this even came back to me at all is because I woke up with incredibly red, puffy eyes.  The sad thing is, it was all true.  It’s all stuff I’ve thought so many times in my head, especially recently as we move towards pregnancy being a real possibility.  I have a lot of fears and worries.  I also, clearly, have low self-esteem.


Completely switching gears now, I’m an SF gal, so you know I had to mention this at some point – GO NINERS!  I was a little too young for the Joe Montana glory days, but I did get really into football during the tail-end of the Steve Young years.  I do get quite passionate about teams that I follow so I kind of had to distance myself from football the past nine years because the 9ers were just so awful and disappointing.  I love being able to watch games again without being in a foul mood afterwards!  One win away from another Superbowl and I actually feel like we have a shot!  The game against the Saints last weekend was amazing, I couldn’t stop screaming at the TV during the last four minutes (YES! NO! YES! NOOO! YESSSSSSSSSSS!) and I’m hoping this Sunday will be equally as exciting with another win for the home team!  A good game has always been the one thing that can take my mind off anything else I’m struggling with so this is just what I need.


Also, football related, I was really pulling for Tim Tebow and the Broncos last week and was sad to see them lose, though it was expected.  If I don’t have a horse in the race, I typically cheer for the underdog regardless (so I NEVER cheer for the Pats – yuck) but after watching the Steelers game, I couldn’t help but want the Broncos Cinderella run to continue (although they would have eventually lost to the Niners in the Superbowl anyway ^^).

I honestly only watched the Niners this season so I hadn’t actually even seen the Broncos play up until the game against the Steelers and had only heard about “Tebowing” – and mostly all negative things about it.  Before seeing it with my own eyes, I thought, “Eh, it does sound kind of like he’s being a little too flamboyant about it and could be doing more harm than good,” but after I actually saw what he does, it really didn’t seem that bad to me.  It kind of just seems like he loves God and praises God in everything he does and isn’t ashamed of what he believes.  Which I respect.  Before the Broncos-Patriots game I watched some special they had on him with a lot of candid video of him on the field during games and that only cemented my belief that he is a genuinely good guy who is just being a genuine Christian and not apologizing for it (lots of footage of him encouraging/consoling his teammates, singing gospels to himself and saying little prayers).

I don’t really get why people hate on him, although it did remind me of something that Michael Chang (the tennis player) spoke about when he said that the media was not at all comfortable when he talked about his faith as he was having success in his tennis career.  He said he was shocked by the fact that he was openly mocked by the press for it, so I guess it is probably a similar situation here.

Like all that hubbub over the Tebow Superbowl commercial a couple years ago that turned out to be a positive commercial celebrating life without even mentioning abortion.  I didn’t know much about Tebow at the time but still remember being confused about what the big deal was when I actually saw the commercial vs all the stuff I had heard about it.  I remember all the press coming out about it before the commercial had even aired and people saying it was “offensive” or “holier than thou.”  It turned out to be his mom saying he was her miracle baby and how she had almost lost him many times (I think this article does a pretty good job of summing up the “controversy” – you can see the video here).  If someone can give me an actual explanation as to why that ad was so “offensive” I’d love to hear it.  It’s weird to me how people can be so upset about Christians talking about their beliefs – are Christians now the only Americans that no longer have their first amendment rights?


I do have Project 366 pictures to post as soon as I gather up enough energy to upload them.  To be honest, some of them are half-assed iPhone pictures, but I’m still proud of myself for taking at least one picture every day!

brain upchuck

** The Japan earthquake/tsunami.  Ugh.  Grateful that it sounds as though they are making progress in the right direction there though.  Prayers continue to be with the people of Japan.  We had a friend visiting from NYC over for dinner last Friday and he happens to be in Japan equity sales for a major Japanese bank.  He brought along two of his coworkers (another sales person and an analyst who was actually visiting from Tokyo), we didn’t want to pry too much but it actually happened that the sector the analyst specialized in was Japanese energy, so you can imagine he had a lot of expertise.  In fact, he was supposed to return to Tokyo the next day to start his analysis of the situation and how it would affect his markets.  The other sales person and the analyst both grew up in Japan and so had some very interesting insights into the culture there and how they will deal with this tragedy.  They seemed confident that Japan will recover and be stronger for it and I tend to agree with them.  I’d be hard-pressed to think of a stronger, more resilient, or prouder culture. One fascinating tidbit, was that how even in the midst of train stoppages and continuing earthquakes and the threat of nuclear meltdown to the north and whatnot, those Japanese who remain in Tokyo will continue to make it into the office every. single. day.  Because that is just the Japanese way.  They said it doesn’t matter if it takes six hours to get into the office, the Japanese people will show up.  (As amazing as that is, can I just say, I’m REALLY thankful it’s not like that here?  I’d be getting the hell out of dodge not worrying about showing up at work!)

** So incredibly proud of our troops in Japan and those on their way.  Once again amazed that as people flee a country, our troops willingly enter and put themselves into harms way to assist those in need.  There are no words to express how blessed we are to have so many courageous men and women willing to sacrifice so much of themselves for others.   Thank you, thank you, thank you!

** I’m late to the show I know, but livingsocial is matching $5 for every $5 donation to the Red Cross for disaster relief in Japan. We have also donated through Save the Children which according to the BBB spends 90% of all donations on programs (as opposed to administrative and fundraising costs).

** I have fallen into a familiar rut.  I come home every day and write a draft which I save and then never publish.  In fact, I’m not confident that this post will ever actually see the light of day (or the internet?) because I may very well never actually hit publish.  This one has a fighting chance though because it is in bullet form which means it doesn’t have to be coherent or have a real ending that ties things up.  Who said I have no standards?  Oh.  Hm…

**  I’m also doing the same thing in my non-internet life.  That is, imagining saying things to people (nothing bad, sometimes just factual things that they actually kinda need to know) and then I just won’t. 

** I gave up soda again for Lent.  And beef. Lent is the only time in my entire life that I’ve been successful at restricting any sort of behavior for a predetermined period of time. Self-control? Yet another one of those virtues I clearly wasn’t blessed with.

** Normally this is something I might consider keeping to myself, but I have to get it off my chest.  I have been sort of psycho-cyber-stalking someone.  I hate online social networking sites.  I hate them and all the easy-stalker-access they provide.  I honestly don’t even have a purpose behind my stalking (luckily online social networking wasn’t big when I was single so I can honestly say I’ve never romantically stalked someone), I just find myself constantly clicking on this person’s pages and trying to interpret every little thing.  Why?  No. Fucking. Clue.  What do I get out of it?  Nothing.  Except more crazy.  And let’s face it, I don’t need any more of that.

** (Incidentally, I hope that every one of the people I’m friends with on FB who also read this haven’t just blocked me…not everything is about YOU, okay?  Yeesh you’re big-headed :) 

** So far, my brackets are winning!  Counting on Coach K to seal the deal!  Of course, UCLA let me down (had them going to the Final Four and really didn’t think it was totally unrealistic) as they so often do….

** I have a phone appointment set with the adoption coordinator for the Carribean program on Thursday.  Will write about it more later (if it doesn’t end up unfinished and in draft form forever) but does anyone have any suggestions on what questions to ask?  So far I’ve got, “What is the age range of children for a couple our age (e.g. since some programs give younger couples preference on younger children)?” and “How many international adoptions have actually been completed each year?”  I feel like there’s a good chance that those two questions don’t exactly cover the entire breadth of what I should be asking…

** Received confirmation today that a coworker who is a couple years younger and married a couple years after me…yup…his wifey is pregnant.  This guy is totally awesome and one of my favorite people to work with and I was really happy for him (they’re having a little girl, his wife is of Indian decent and I’ve never seen a Chinese-Indian baby before but I bet she’s gonna be a cute little thing!).  It only stings a tiny little bit (as, I suppose, was made clear by my reference to the fact that they are both younger and married less years).  I don’t know if this is my “coming to acceptance” moment or if I’m just back in denial again.  Funny how they kinda look like the same exact place, no? 

** It’s only taken me three separate sittings to finish this work of literary genius.

i can hear

Fireworks!  Honking!  Random screaming!

In other words, Giants win the World Series!!  Wahoo!

I love how winning something like this can turn men of any age back into little boys (referring to the moment the team realizes it has won). 

Also, is it just me or is Buster Posey kind of a cutie?

holy cow


I only started watching during the postseason but they definitely have been torturous to watch up until now.  Not in the World Series though! 

This is the first time in recent memory where it doesn’t totally suck to be a bay area sports fan!