Archive for Baby talk

blessings

2012 was by all standards a good year. One of the best. There is very little I can complain about when it comes to 2012.

It even ended on a good note with a visit with Dr. MFM today that showed my labs remain steady, my blood pressure is stable at an acceptable level and optimism all around that we can keep this little boy cooking for another four weeks at which point he will be considered full term. The doctors will be watching closely but I think the overall sense is that things have gone remarkably well, all things considered.

Tonight Paul and I will celebrate the new year on east coast time (something we’ve pretty much done since I started working market hours years ago). We’ll have a toast of champagne (just a sip for me!) and a kiss and we’ll hug each other on the couch and marvel at the fact that next year it will no longer be just the two of us.

Sometimes I still can’t believe this is all happening. I can’t believe how lucky I am. That this is my life. That I get to be married to the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. That we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, in a condo that truly feels like home. That there is a baby swing in the spare bedroom and a bag stuffed full of baby clothes sitting on the couch. That I can look down at my swollen belly and watch it move, so full of precious life.

Will write more soon, but for now I just wanted to wish you all a happy new year. Life is amazing. God is so good.

in case you were wondering…

Why we decided to call him Cheeks!

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when it rains, it pours

So…where to begin. Well, it turned out that I didn’t need to think about how to bring up stopping work after all because that was pretty much decided for me after yesterday.

I think I definitely overdid it a bit with all the walking on Christmas Eve but Christmas Day we largely took it easy. I did spend about 40 minutes on my feet waiting for a table at dim sum in Chinatown but right after we got home, I spent the next couple hours resting in bed while Paul started cooking. I went back downstairs around 3pm and watched him cook for awhile, and then made the critical mistake of attempting to wrap BIL’s gf’s Christmas present on the floor of his parents room. After that landed me with major contractions and shooting pain in the v.ag I gave up and put it in a bag with some wrapping paper covering the part that was sticking out. Then I went back to sitting and doing nothing.

Around 5pm though I noticed that my uterus was extremely tight. It didn’t appear to be contracting though, just constant tightness that would sometimes actually hurt a bit in my abdomen and make my back feel sore. The discomfort seemed to come and go, but since the tightness was constant I thought it might be muscles stretching as I’ve read can cause a constant tightness as opposed to contractions. I’ve actually had this before sometimes when I’m walking around for awhile and it always goes away once I’m able to sit down and rest so I figured once I lied down it would be okay.

Unfortunately it wasn’t until about 9:30pm that everyone was finally on their way and Paul had deemed the kitchen sufficiently clean enough that the rest of the mess could be left for the next day (I didn’t clean, just hung out with him while he did). I went upstairs and chilled out in bed expecting the tightness to go away, which it did. Kind of. Until I realized it was no longer constantly tight but instead happening every 8 minutes or so. It wasn’t uncomfortable as long as I was lying down (although I did feel some pressure down there during each contraction) but once I got up to pee during a contraction and my back felt a bit “off” (I described it to the on call nurse as a 3 out of 10 on the pain scale, so not super painful but just noticeably uncomfortable). During this time I made sure I was constantly sipping water.

After this went on for about an hour or so I figured, okay, given my blood pressure issues, etc., it’s probably time to at least call the urgent care line and see what they wanted me to do. Of course, they wanted me to come in and I felt awful because poor Paul has been so busy getting the house ready for his parents visit and then cooking all day that he was exhausted and we both were supposed to work the next day (today). By the time we left it was about 10:30pm and I actually offered to go myself figuring that once I got there they’d probably calm down and they’d tell me it was all in my head or something but Paul just looked at me like I was crazy and of course went along.

As far as I can tell we were the only ones in L&D triage that night. The urgent care line had already called ahead and let them know I was coming so I was in a room within minutes. The nurse asked me a few questions and seemed surprised that I had made it 32 weeks with this being my first visit, she said usually first time mama’s have at least a couple visits much earlier in their pregnancies. This made me feel better that even if this turned out to be completely dumb, they were used to it anyway.

Unfortunately, they quickly confirmed that yup, the contractions were not in my head, in fact they were a lot closer together than when I was at home, I believe sometimes coming as close together as three minutes apart, although she said it looked like the range was anywhere between 3-8 minutes. She called the on-call doctor in my OB group who requested that I be checked out by the in-house OB who was on-call that night. More waiting and monitoring contractions which eventually slowed down back to where they were at home, which was once every 8 minutes. My blood pressure was, of course, very high – I think 140/90 and climbed higher before it eventually started to go down as I got sleepy and more used to being there.

The on-call OB came in and she was very nice as well. She made it sound like my contractions were slowing down but I told her they had actually increased and just slowed back to where they were when I was told to come in. She decided to do another ffn even though I just had one done about a week and a half ago and then she pulled out good ol’ Wandy to check my cervix. I was honestly expecting it to be about the same as my last ultrasound but she immediately said it looked like it was only about 1.7cm now. Then we watched it actually grow longer on the screen and she exclaimed that I have a dynamic cervix because suddenly it was 2.5cm but she was sure the 1.7cm measurement had been right at the time, she looked at the contraction monitor and it turned out to be that that was while I had been having a contraction. We watched it continue changing on the screen and measured a couple more times and it was 1.9cm and then 2.2cm. So basically even the longest, non-contracting measurement was still 0.3cm shorter than my last shortest measurement.

This result earned me a cervical check and again I was surprised when she said I was about 1cm dilated. She did however say that the cervix felt much thicker than it looked on the ultrasound and that it was still quite high and the baby appeared to be quite high – all good signs that I was not likely to deliver in the very near future. She said they would wait for the ffn results and then call the on-call OB in my group again to see what we should do.

The ffn results finally came back about an hour later and were negative. Big sigh of relief. However, my on-call OB still wanted me to get the steroid shots for lung maturity just in case (I’m thinking her rationale is that if my bp keeps climbing and they need to induce for pre-e they will have already gotten this out of the way) and then as a last minute add on they decided to give me a shot of terb since I was still having those contractions every 8 minutes and they didn’t seem to be getting further apart or stopping.

Looking back it really felt like they just didn’t want to send me home while I was actually contracting but I really did regret the shot after I got it. The nurse said it would only work for about an hour or so and the shot made me feel TERRIBLE. So jittery and my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. I couldn’t help but wonder how it was making poor little Cheeks feel even though his heartrate still wasn’t all that high on the monitor. They watched me for about 20 minutes and let me go since I went the final 15 minutes without a contraction. The terb made me so jittery I couldn’t sleep for about an hour after we got home (we got in the door at 2:30am) which left me plenty of time to google all the scary side effects and opinions on giving it to women for preterm labor. For the record I plan to turn it down if they try to give it to me again, particularly if they offer me the oral version since the FDA has apparently banned that (not the injection though) for stopping PTL.

Interestingly and coincidentally enough, the medicine I was prescribed for my bp issues is also used to stop/slow contractions, so I guess I’ll be continuing on with that for now despite it making me feel pretty crappy. The doctor said that should stop the longer I take it so hopefully he’s right.

The in-house on-call OB and nurse at triage seemed pretty sure I would be put on bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy by my regular OB who I luckily already had an appointment scheduled with today and told me definitely not to go into work in the morning. I felt bad because I was only one of two people scheduled to be in so if I didn’t go in there would be one person alone there but after sleeping at 3:30am there was no way I’d be useful in the office anyway. My coworker was super understanding.

I spoke with Dr. MFM who I was actually supposed to call this morning anyway about my blood pressure and filled him in on what was going on with the contractions. He said to talk to Dr. OB about it but definitely no work for the rest of this week at least. He called me back later in the day after he talked to the lab about the tests I had done on Friday and said that since my C3 was low at 70 and he didn’t recall it being low previously in the pregnancy (he was at home and I’m assuming he didn’t have my chart) he thought this was likely a lupus related issue more than pre-e.

This really didn’t feel/sound right to me as I was pretty sure my complements are always low, they just get REALLY low when I flare, and I have had very minimal joint pain whereas joint pain is usually the first thing I can actually feel when I’m flaring. Luckily when I asked him about my 24hr urine result he realized the lab hadn’t given him those results so he said he was going to call them and call me right back. During that time I pulled up my app from Dr. Rheumy’s clinic that actually shows me all my lab results (ugh, I like Dr. MFM a lot but why can’t they be more tech savvy!) and sure enough my C3 was 53 in May (right before I got pregnant) and 67 in August. So as I suspected 70 was actually on the higher end of my normal range. I let Dr. MFM know this when he called back and he pondered for awhile but clearly he was rethinking his conclusion that this was a lupus flare when that clearly doesn’t make sense in light of MY normal range.

He told me that my 24hr urine result was 980, and I’ve read that the cut off for mild pre-e is 300 so I was a bit freaked out by the number but he said it wasn’t THAT high, just high-ish. I don’t really know what that means but when I saw Dr. OB later in the day he sort of gave me the same message so I guess it’s just not at a level where they freak out and hospitalize me, they just watch closely for now and pull me out of work to try and reduce all potential stress factors.

Dr. MFM did in fact say to scratch his original plan of upping my prednisone to 20mg and instead stick with my current dosage. He decided to have me rerun labs this Friday and see him on Monday to see if things are stabilizing or continuing to get worse. Also, he said I could go into his office for the second steroid shot for baby’s lungs, which I did.

Anyway, after making it through my very nervous dad driving me through the city, my mom interrogating Dr. MFM’s nurse and then Dr. OB, the two actual visits themselves and one more shot to the bum I was feeling pretty stressed out by the events of the day. Which I’m pretty sure is the exact opposite of how I’m supposed to be feeling. I emailed my group at work and my bosses and plan to call HR tomorrow. I asked Dr. OB if I can go in for a half day to tie up loose ends and he said keep it to a couple hours JUST to tie up loose ends and not to work so I’ll probably do that this week or early next week or something. I feel like I won’t be able to relax until I feel like work is at least as squared away as it can be and I’m not leaving people hanging.

I guess I’m still processing everything that happened today too and that’s also why I feel so stressed right now. The medical types all seem to think we can keep things going to 36 weeks which appears to be the new goal now. Outside of the doc and nurse in triage, my regular care providers seem much more concerned about the pre-eclampsia symptoms than the cervix/contraction thing. I think the reasoning behind that is sometimes contractions and cervical changes can start happening without anything ultimately REALLY happening for weeks but as bp and protein in the urine start to increase they generally continue doing so, the question now is will it happen gradually over weeks (which is the hope) or much quicker than that.

Anyway, that’s what’s been going on over here. Officially on home-rest, luckily not full-blown bedrest. I’m free to move around in the house as needed and even wander outside provided I take things very easy (i.e. no walking around for extended periods of time but going somewhere and sitting is probably ok). My days just need to be focused on stress reduction as much as possible and not overexerting myself physically but Dr. OB said there’s no reason I should feel confined to the bed. I can’t say I’m not glad to be done with work for the rest of this pregnancy, but I do kind of wish I had more of a heads up it was coming so I could have prepared myself for a handoff a little better. Oh well, it is what it is and I’m trying to put work out of my mind asap.

Time to focus on me and little Cheeks making it through the next four (hopefully five!). Speaking of Cheeks he was super active throughout the entire 2+ hours of monitoring. He kept kicking at the monitors and squirming away from them and the nurse kept pointing out how much he was moving (demarcated by black boxes on the readout). He looked great during the whole session, which was the real reason I had decided to go in in the first place – because I was worried the contractions could be causing him distress somehow. Then in typical mommy guilt fashion I felt bad that he seemed to hate the monitoring so much and here I was subjecting him to it.

Anyway, really hoping easing into being at home will lift me out of this stressful funk I’m feeling right now…

Christmas Day

I hope everyone is having a very merry Christmas.

As for me, I’m pretty exhausted. Dr. MFM’s orders were to rest as much as possible but it’s been difficult with the IL’s visiting from LA meaning lots of running around the city and I haven’t been sleeping enough. Having to do the 24hr urine collection on Sunday night didn’t help since I had to go downstairs to dump my “collection” into the refrigerated pee jug every. single. time. I went to the bathroom. In case anyone was unaware, being 32 weeks pregnant pretty much means you have to go something like every six minutes or so.

The blood pressure medication is working, my blood pressures have gone back down to 120/85 or so, except when I’ve been out and about for too long in which case it creeps back up into the 130/90 range. But I’ve been feeling irritated, wiped out, mild headaches, and just overall blech which a bit of googling tells me could all be side effects from the meds. Or maybe I’m just pregnant. I really don’t know at this point but I do tend to think it’s side effects because I haven’t felt exactly like this up until now.

I don’t really want to be taking these meds. I feel like if they’re making ME feel this way, what are they doing to poor little Cheeks who is effectively taking the same meds as me? I’m supposed to call Dr. MFM tomorrow morning and I think I’m going to ask him about whether or not I can stop working next week after the New Year. Not sure how you bring that up but I guess I have til tomorrow to think about it.

and so it begins

It was bound to happen I guess.

By it, I man a “bad” visit with Dr. MFM. My blood pressure has been creeping up steadily and over the past couple weeks has been consistently hovering around 130/90 on my home machine. I hope I made it clear to him though that that is the actual reading I was getting on my machine, meaning in reality it’s 130/80ish. But I think he did understand that and was still unhappy with it because the dipstick for my urine was reading 2+ on top of a bad bp reading at his office (140/90 – but it’s always high in his office, then after discussing for awhile it went up to 150/100 eek! I have a bad case of white coat syndrome).

All this has earned me: 1) a date with the giant pee jug of doom, 2) a new blood pressure medication, and 3) possible bedrest starting on Monday if my blood pressure doesn’t come down over the weekend and also pending the results of bloodwork I had done today.

Le sigh.

Dr. MFM also said very definitively, “You won’t make it to your due date.” He did not say it was unlikely or that I probably wouldn’t, he declared that I would not go to my due date. In fact, he said he’d be very happy if we could get through the end of January and that most likely I would deliver in the next 3-4 weeks. I asked if I would be induced, he was noncommittal about that and said I might just go into labor.

Erm. We are definitely not ready to have a baby in 4 weeks. For one thing, my prenatal classes (other than newborn parenting) are all scheduled for after that. Poor planning on my part I know. Paul is now wondering why our baby shower was scheduled for so late and why we are so woefully unprepared given that we both knew there was a good chance of me having to deliver early. I don’t know!! I was so focused on getting through 28 weeks that I forgot to plan beyond that and then the last four weeks just sort of flew by in a blur.

Don’t get me wrong, I will be VERY grateful if we can get to 36 weeks because that means we might be able to avoid NICU time and bring him straight home. I’m so glad he’s already 4lbs because that means he will hopefully be about 6lbs in 4 weeks which seems like a respectable size.

I’m also thankful that it sounds like if conditions inside my womb are no longer safe for Cheeks that my medical team is all over it. I’ve been reading some scary stories about the new 39 week rule and how some care providers have been taking the rule to the extreme which seems to be leading to a rise in stillbirth. Basically it sounds like doctors have much less freedom to induce before 39 weeks now. Just today I read this heartbreaking and scary story.

Being put on bedrest with strict orders to take it easy also wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world given how exhausted I’ve been feeling. I would feel bad though if I’m put on bedrest this week because all my coworkers have planned time off because I offered to take one for the team and be in all week so they could get their vacations in before my leave. But I guess if Dr. MFM thinks it’s necessary then I can’t feel bad about that.

Anyway, now we hope that the bp meds do their work and that my labs come back with good news. The goalpost for this pregnancy has changed from making it to 39 weeks to 37 weeks now. I’m still optimistic that we can do this but it’s nice to know that I really am being watched like a hawk and that swift action will be taken if/when it’s necessary.

to guilt or not to guilt

Note to self: When your nose is bleeding maybe it’s best not to blow it.

Note to reader: This is going to be one of those posts. You know, the kind where I feel sorry for myself and whine a lot.

***

The NST yesterday was fine, at least that’s what the nurse told me afterwards. She didn’t seem worried that there were a couple of decels because she thought they were from the baby repositioning. I had to drink some apple juice to get his heartrate up even though I did feel him moving before that, but again the nurse was unconcerned so I guess I’m going to go with the flow. I can’t believe that at 32 weeks I am still constantly paranoid that Something Bad has happened to the baby.

So here’s where I need a bit of a gut check from any of you that might be reading this. Paul is planning on attending a wedding in LA for a weekend when I’m basically 36-37 weeks pregnant. He’ll be leaving Saturday morning and returning Sunday afternoon. When he originally booked his plane tickets I felt a little uneasy about the whole thing but he said that the hotel can be cancelled 24hrs beforehand and the plane ticket can be turned into credit as long as he cancels before the flight leaves so I didn’t protest too much.

Yesterday though, I accidentally scheduled our childbirth class on that Sunday and basically had a minor freakout when I really thought about how close to my due date this is and how few weekends we have left and with my cervix shortening and all, what if he misses the birth?! He says that if there’s any doubts just before his trip he will cancel it but is that always how it works? Isn’t it possible that I could go into labor Saturday evening (when it’s already too late for him to catch a flight back) and deliver by Sunday morning (before the first flight back)?

I know he really wants to go because this is a close friend of his (who by the way, missed our wedding for a business trip, hm…) and there will be a ton of his college friends there that he hasn’t seen in years. But I’m also much more prone to hormonal meltdowns at this stage of pregnancy than I was when the trip was booked and I’m no longer feeling as open-minded about it as I was. I think it’s also the fact that my whole life is basically centered around this pregnancy now, I am uncomfortable 95% of the day whether I’m standing, sitting or lying down. My back hurts constantly, there are literally NO comfortable positions left to sleep in, even if I do momentarily find one that is slightly more comfortable I have to get up about 30 seconds later to pee, none of my bras fit (not even the bigger ones I bought during the pregnancy), I basically live at the doctor’s office (I’m up from one visit per week to a minimum of two), and the whiny side of me is remarking about how horribly unfair it is that I have to deal with all this and he gets to sleep the night away and run off to LA for a weekend when I will probably be near a peak of discomfort.

The logical side of me knows that he realistically can’t participate in a lot of what I’m going through, and I have so many doctor visits that it doesn’t make sense for him to go to all of them. He does what he can, including most of the housework, shopping, changing the cat litter, even making me breakfast in bed every weekend. He does so much and he just wants to attend this good friend’s wedding and see all his old friends, which I get.

Up til this point I have not put my foot down and said he absolutely can’t go but I have started bringing up that I don’t feel that comfortable with it and am not very happy about it anymore. Am I being totally unreasonable? I will feel bad if he cancels the trip and nothing happens, but I will definitely feel a lot worse if he goes and I go into labor by myself. I know a lot of this has to do with the fact that I’m so friggin’ emotional and hormonal right now but everytime I think about it now I want to cry. I don’t want to cry in front of him because I know it will probably guilt him into not going and I haven’t decided if that’s really fair or not.

But being that I’ve never been in labor before we don’t really know how my labor would progress or whether or not there would necessarily be any signs ahead of time.

So what do you all think? Is it unreasonable/unfair to ask him not to go? Should I just suck it up because it’s unlikely I’d go into sudden labor if I’m not dilated or anything the week before? Or is it more likely than he’s thinking?

Oh and I forgot to mention another thing that is bothering me about this trip is how expensive it is going to be. They are getting married in an area where there are only luxury hotels so the room alone is going to be $350+, not including the cab ride there and back, the wedding gift and the plane tickets. All told he will probably be spending $600-700 or more for one weekend right before the baby comes. It’s irritating me since I don’t want him to go at all AND it’s going to cost an arm and a leg blech.

(almost) 32 week update

Truthfully, I’ve been a bit lost as to what I want to write these days. I never wanted this to turn into a pregnancy blog and yet that’s now what it seems to be. At the same time, I wanted to document this pregnancy and feel like I haven’t done that as well as I wanted either. So, failure all around it is.

It’s hard to believe, but I’ll be 32 weeks on Friday. Realistically this means Cheeks will be here in 7 weeks or less, although I haven’t really broached the question of whether or not I’ll make it past 39 weeks. It’s starting to feel like my doctors don’t know the answer to that question either. Not to jinx it, but things seem to be going better than anyone on my brilliant medical team had expected.

I am huge. There is no missing the stomach anymore and I am constantly surprised by things like how far back from the sink I need to stand in order to wash my hands or the way shirts that fit comfortably over the belly a few weeks ago now reveal pregnant belly to the world if I don’t hike my pants way up. I can no longer clip my toenails or shave the lower half of my legs (even in light of the fact that I finally pulled out the shower chair this week). It’s a physics thing, I swear, not a lazy thing.

Cheeks is also huge. As I mentioned in the last post, he is weighing in at 4lbs 1oz. Two weeks ago he was 3lbs. By my calculations if he continues growing at this rate he will be something close to 8lbs if I make it to term which seems entirely too big to me. But I guess that’s up to him.

His movements hurt sometimes now, particularly if he’s punching my hoo-ha or kicking me in the ribs, but I still love each and every moment he makes his presence in there known. He hiccups a LOT, usually at least once a day but often three or more times, and they feel much stronger now that he’s bigger, I still worry every time I feel them but the ultrasound techs try to reassure me that if there were any cord issues his growth would be restricted or they would have picked it up in his heartrate during his PR intervals. I’m done with PR intervals now but luckily start weekly NST’s tomorrow so at least I will have weekly respites from complete and utter paranoia that something is wrong with the baby.

I try to remind myself that most of the literature out there says hiccuping is a good sign and means hopefully that his lungs will be nice and mature by the time he’s ready to breathe air.

But now that he’s turned head down (at least I hope he’s still that way!) my new thing to worry about is that he’ll be born with a nuchal hand. He always has his hands up by his head during his ultrasounds, I think that he must get that from me because I cannot help but constantly touch my face.

Symptom-wise, I mainly struggle with the backaches and insomnia. I think the insomnia is because I can’t find a comfortable position to sleep in though (see: huge). This morning I woke up and was partially afraid I was having back labor pains because I was getting sharp pains in my mid back everytime I moved. They went away though so I think I just slept wrong.

I’ve also been having pretty frequent nosebleeds and in the past two weeks or so (TMI ALERT!) tons and tons of discharge.

Something that was concerning at first was the feeling like I was constantly out of breath and unable to take a deep breath. This would sometimes make me feel dizzy and a little bit sick to my stomach. I brought it up with my OB and he said that it’s actually totally normal because I’m now expelling carbon dioxide for both myself and the baby which requires more breaths and because the baby (that little space hog) is taking up so much room my diaphragm is squished which means I can’t take deep breaths. It’s all one big catch-22 but sounds like it’s really no big deal. Just wanted to share in case anyone else has the same issue.

What else, what else. My skin has cleared up a lot, which YAY! I didn’t mind having terrible skin in exchange for a healthy baby but it’s nice to not be constantly breaking out anymore too.

Tiredness-wise it kind of feels like I’m back in the first tri. Meaning, I’m sort of constantly tired again. Where is all this energy I’m supposed to have in order to nest and all that? I don’t know. I apparently haven’t hit that part of the pregnancy yet and have reverted back to the sleep all the time part.

I’m eating decently well, no real cravings to speak of though unless you count french fries. But who doesn’t constantly crave french fries? I can’t eat very much at a time but I am hungry all the friggin’ time.

Emotionally I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of tears. Anything, and I mean anything, can make my eyes mist up these days.

I am madly in love with this little man growing inside of me. I can’t even find the words to express it. I daydream about him being here, growing up, I wonder what he’ll like, whether he’ll sing all the time like me (even if he can’t carry a tune) or if he’ll love Dragon Ball like his dad. I imagine watching him and Paul playing basketball in the park and how cute it’ll be when I teach him to make the touchdown hand signal (but only for the Niners and Bruins!). I am already in awe of the fact that I get to be his mama.

Of course that does not come without the crushing worry of wondering whether or not I am good enough to be that. But I’m going to stop here and get ready for bed and write about all the crippling fears another night.

mixed messages once again

I had my last PR interval today and I must say, I am not at all loving the number of mixed appointments I’ve been having lately.

On the positive side (and it is a BIG positive) I don’t have to have anymore PR interval because everything remains normal and they said if a blockage were going to develop it would have done so by now. We got the most competent ultrasound tech and as usual she was able to get us some great pictures of the baby’s face! I think I’ve finally decided to give him a womb name, Cheeks, because he looks like he’s making a pufferfish face everytime we see him! The techs/doctors who have done his ultrasounds all have made comments on how chubby they are.

Cheeks is now measuring in at a cool 4lb 1oz, up over a pound from his last ultrasound 2.5 weeks ago. Crazy! And he was actually head down today! Which makes sense given where I’ve been feeling his hiccups emanate from and the fact that I’ve been feeling things jammed under both ribs (his feet I’m assuming).

So what’s the bad news? My cervix has apparently decided now is a good time to start shortening. It has always been around 3.5cm or higher, they weren’t planning on pulling out the transvag today but the tech thought it looked short from the abdominal so she called in the doctor who took a sample for an ffn and then they pulled out Wandy and yup, it changed a few times during the ultrasound but they were getting anywhere from 2.8-3.3cm. They didn’t seem overly concerned since it’s sort of on the border of where they like to see it (3cm) but they told me to try and put my feet up as much as possible.

**The doctor just called to tell me the ffn was negative so I guess I shouldn’t be too worried.

one day at a time

If there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that sometimes I’m like a dog with a bone. It can be really hard for me to let go of a thought, especially a fear, once it’s been inserted into my line of thinking and I think that’s why it’s been so hard for me to accept that this pregnancy might actually end up in bringing home a baby.

It doesn’t make sense, I know. This pregnancy has been about as “easy” as a pregnancy can be and I’ve never personally experienced a loss. I have been “lucky” so far, we got pregnant on the first try, we had strong, perfectly rising betas, followed by textbook ultrasounds and basically no cramps or early bleeding to speak of.

And yet, I can’t help but feel like it’s all a set up. Like the universe is setting me up for a great big fall. I can’t get that thought out of my head and it’s kept me petrified throughout. I don’t talk about it much, not even to Paul, but it’s always there. After each rising beta, I worried, what if the baby died immediately following my last beta? After each ultrasound, I worried, what if the baby died right after the last ultrasound? What if all the pushing and prodding from the ultrasound hurt the baby? After we started telling people, I worried, what if we have to untell? And now that I’m in the third trimester, after each time people talk to me about how close it’s getting and how great it is, I worry, what if this all ends badly?

During the first trimester, I worried everytime I went to the bathroom and everytime I felt any kind of dampness “down there.” I was constantly worried that the baby’s heart would just stop for no reason, because that seems to be what happens during the first trimester. Then during the second trimester I started having dreams that I was giving birth too early. I worried about my cervical length, I worried about cramps, I worried that I was leaking amniotic fluid, I worried incessantly that I would go into preterm labor before the baby could survive.

And now that I’m in the third trimester? My new thing is to worry about placental abruption and cord accidents. I freak out everytime this kid gets the hiccups (which is a LOT – like 2-5x per day) especially because I think the energy he expends hiccuping makes him fall asleep after, which means I feel hiccups for about 5-10min and then nothing. I worry when he doesn’t move enough, I worry when he moves too much. I KNOW it’s normal for mother’s to worry but it feels like I’ve gone past the healthy amount of worrying into my old destructive habit of “ruminating thoughts” as my psychiatrist of yesteryear once put it. I mean, I get ultrasounds every two weeks that have ALL confirmed the baby is growing just fine and the cord is not wrapped around his neck (or at least wasn’t as of the last ultrasound) and I still can’t let go of the fact that something might be wrong.

What also doesn’t help are the websites that say to trust your intuition. That often the first signs of something being wrong is simply the feeling that something is wrong. But when I’m honest with myself I always feel like something is wrong and yet so far (knock on wood) nothing has been. And I’m so sick that I’m honestly afraid that just writing that here will cause something Bad to happen.

Of course, logically speaking, this all simply goes back to the fact that I don’t really trust my body. It has inexplicably failed before and the thought that it could do that again, now, is incredibly disturbing. Especially since I have no choice but to keep trusting that it isn’t going to. Blind faith. In something that is NOT infallible, as I well know.

Yesterday marked 30 weeks and people keep asking whether the nursery is done, whether I’ve started nesting yet, etc. Nope. We have nothing. Well, we have a few outfits (unwashed) and a few other items that remain stashed inside a box in our storage room. Paul’s best friend’s wife is due one day before me (seriously) and they already have a crib, changing table, a huge collection of cloth diapers and tons of other stuff. Clearly, they are not the least bit afraid of not bringing a baby home in 10 weeks.

I have no reason to think otherwise either but it’s like my brain is still in defense mode. I’m still afraid to have baby things in the house.

And the strange thing is, as reality sets in, the reality that, this baby inside me is growing bigger and stronger every day (as I can tell by his kicks), the chances are that he is coming home, hopefully in 7-9 weeks, I feel so unprepared for it. As though I’m just NOW starting to realize, um, hey we’re going to be parents. There’s actually going to be this very tiny person who’s completely dependent on us for everything and we will be responsible for raising him. Our lives are going to change, drastically so. I’ve been so preoccupied with worrying about the baby surviving inside my womb that I never started mentally preparing myself for what happens when he’s living life on the outside.

Probably should get on that…

no news is, well, no news

So the appointment today was rather inconclusive. My blood pressure was highish (127/84) and my urine was measuring 1+ protein on the dipstick. So both are higher than they have been at any point during this pregnancy but not so high that he can say I’m definitely heading towards pre-eclampsia, or take any kind of action really.

I think he was reassured, at least for now, by the fact that I haven’t been having any headaches or blurred vision and no visible swelling. He said I don’t really need to worry unless I start hitting 90 on my diastolic reading or getting consistent readings over 85. He also ordered a repeat protein/creatinine urine ratio and comprehensive metabolic panel along with the CBC and iron studies Dr. OB ordered.

He also confirmed that I’ll need to start NSTs at week 32 (I forgot to ask how often I need them done). Since baby boy is currently measuring 56% for growth he said there was no need to start them before that. I also got a peak at the actual measurements from last Friday’s growth scan and his tummy and femur were both measuring right on track, his head was measuring 2 weeks ahead for width, but Dr. MFM said they don’t really look at the width because this just varies based on head shape and the other head measurement was only one week ahead so that is not really far enough head that it would indicate any kind of issue. I guess he is just going to have a basketball shaped head or something.

Unfortunately, during the quick ultrasound the nurse did today she confirmed that kiddo is still breech, and not only is he breech, he was actually presenting as footling breech today, the most dangerous kind to attempt va.ginal birth with! When I commented about that to the nurse, she looked at me funny and said, “They will not let you attempt to deliver if he’s still like this!” Which, I know. I told my mom and she was like, “Well in the old days you would have one or both of you just died during labor, so a c-section really isn’t so bad.” Which, again, I know. I’m glad that if he decides to stay this way we a) have the technology to know ahead of time and b) can have a c-section, but I really, really hope he turns! The nurse tried to reassure me that it’s far too early to worry about this but she did say that it seems like the ones who prefer the breech position tend not to want to turn. She didn’t know that he’s been breech pretty much the entire pregnancy as far as I can tell 🙁 I need to start doing those turning exercises.

I’m actually a little surprised that Dr. MFM didn’t order a 24-hour urine collection but I guess at this point he feels the ratio will be good enough since based on my dipstick it doesn’t look like I’m spilling that much protein. I’m guessing that if the ratio comes back much over 1 that that will be when I once again know the joy of the giant pee jug in the fridge. (Who doesn’t love that right?)

I also completely forgot to ask about bedrest, but I’ll see him again on the 21st so I guess I can ask then. I won’t lie, a little part of me was hoping that with all these little unreassuring signs starting to pop up he would put me on sooner rather than later but I guess he doesn’t think it’s necessary yet which I guess is still better than the alternative. I started perusing the pre-eclampsia forums yesterday and it does sound like even if I’m showing signs, I still have a long way to go til I get to full blown pre-e and given how closely I’m being monitored, it’s unlikely I’d suddenly get so bad that I’d end up suddenly dying of seizures. I hope anyway.