I don’t know why I did it. Especially considering the fact that I already commented on it being a bad idea (expletive removed).
I spent the last two hours combing through my archives.
And I came to this conclusion.
That break-up?
It was definitely me.
I don’t remember being that batshit insane…
But apparently I was. It’s all documented and everything. (Although to be fair to myself, there’s clearly a LOT that I left out, a few paragraphs every so often, sometimes with months in between, can only capture so much right? Right?).
I also came to the conclusion that I actually don’t remember my past in much specific detail, just vague notions and hazy impressions. Memory is a tricky thing.
This actually makes me feel better about myself. Incredibly, I am WAY less crazy than I was in college. How did this happen? I have no idea. Seems like most of my issues revolved around trust, sort of a given considering my family history.
But I now routinely send my husband out to social events on his own by my own preference. Including ones that involve partying with the boys (although, the event he was sent off to solo tonight due to my illness is probably more likely to end in hide-and-seek with the kids than anything remotely unseemly). I won’t lie, I still have my flashes of extremely crazy paranoid jealousy, but I am now able to hide them quite well and talk myself down from the inevitable argument ledge before I get too close.
So what changed? No clue. Maybe it’s something about Paul or maybe I was finally ready to let some of that stuff go. Maybe the constant jealousy just became too exhausting to sustain. Maybe it’s a function of being older and more removed from the root cause of those feelings.
The point is, as much as I sometimes feel like I’m running in place, I have been moving forward all this time after all. And in the spirit of moving forward, I think I’m pretty much done talking about all of this now. No promises, of course.
Kind of glad right now that very few people read this anymore as I have the very distinct feeling that I will be quite embarrassed by all this feverish writing when I look back in a few days.