Between my review (which was actually pretty good), the layoffs last week and my little “issue” on Friday, I spent most of the long-weekend staving off work-related anxiety attacks. I didn’t even feel like talking about it with Paul (very unusual) and had to play it off as general crazy-person anxiety.  He was kind of not buying it at first since it literally got to the point where I was practically in tears and begging him to cancel his squash game because the idea of being alone with my thoughts was both terrifying and unbearable, but he did eventually accept it at face value. It is apparently not entirely unbelievable that sometimes I am just plain old Crazy for no reason in particular.
And really, it is partly that too. The Crazy. The whole time I was having panic attacks, the rational part of my brain (which is clearly tiny) was trying to talk me down from the ledge…Honestly, what I did was definitely a big mistake but luckily it was on a relatively small trade (although it still kind of boggles my mind that “small” here means $2mm current face) and the trader is SUPER nice, so part of me kind of knew he was not going to beat me up too bad for it. Of course, the fact that he is such a good guy made me feel even worse about the whole thing. But I knew my job wasn’t really in jeapordy and that I am still new enough where a rare mistake will be allowed for. I was very much aware that even if I really was about to lose my job, stressing about it over a holiday weekend of all things was not going to make a bit of difference.
I knew that I was simply driving myself nuts. And torturing my very understanding husband (don’t worry about him though, let’s just say he wasn’t complaining about skipping squash).Â
But, as usual, I couldn’t help it. So I distracted myself as best I could…Paul didn’t mind, if you know what I mean.
So anyway, this morning I woke up and resolved that today I was going to be the best junior sales monkey ev-ah! Except I got confused and thought it was Monday until after I had been sitting at my desk for five minutes and realized that uh, everyone else was on the Tuesday morning call while I was sitting there waiting for my computer to restart and reorganizing my desk. Ever so casually I picked up one of my receivers and tried to make it seem like hardware issues (headset out of batteries) was the REAL reason I had been sitting there like a giant boob for five minutes before actually picking up the phone to listen to the call I was already 10 minutes late for!
Sigh.