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This has been another marathon-like week. 

Started off with a bang with a lovely 12hr work day due to the fact that The Boss (i.e. our boss’s boss) was in the region and we had a big group meeting wherein the State of the Firm was discussed.  It was actually pretty interesting, but since the whole team can’t exactly slip off the desk for an hour in the middle of a trading day, we had it at the end of the day.  And tacking that extra hour onto an already long day is not a fun to begin a week.

Also on the work-front, I was extra busy the first three days because one of the guys I support was at a conference and, of course, we launched a few new deals (yes, multiple) in addition to normal trading. 

Monday night Paul went out with his buddies but they came over for drinks first and by the time they had left it was 7:30pm and I still needed to eat and shower and wind down for bed.  I didn’t end up falling asleep until after 10pm, which for context, is probably like going to bed at 1-2am for most people who work normal hours.

On Tuesday my joints were already starting to ache a bit but I managed to get in a seven hour night and was hoping that would help me make it through the week…

Yesterday, Wednesday, I continued my trend of Good Role-Modeling by once again going straight from tutoring to a wine-related event.  Last time it was a wine-tasting, well this time I decided to at least pretend I was doing something educational while drinking wine and took a wine-tasting class with some friends (half-price, thanks Grou.pon!).  Which was fun, except it started at 6:30pm and went the full two hours.  Then we had to drop our friend off at his car so we didn’t get home until after 9pm.  Then Paul had to eat and I was kind of drunk and blah blah blah and suddenly it was ten-fucking-thirty…but at least I was sober by the time I went to bed I guess…

Anyway, today, our friend from NY is back in town again and coming to see our place, grab dinner and smoke cigars with the hubs.  Tomorrow he will be back AGAIN and he and the hubs will be cooking dinner for a bunch of coworkers and former coworkers at our place (I told you they are bff’s).

I don’t know how I”m going to make it through what’s left of the week, all I know is that Saturday morning feels very far away and I can’t even really count the number of joints that are starting to ache. 

I think this is why I’m so scared to stop taking am.bien.  But at the same time, I’m sure that at this point it is itself contributing to my sleep issues. 

So what to do?  I can’t just stop taking it because my body obviously breaks down without sleep, but I’d really like to figure out how to sleep without it.  But I can’t unless I do go through the whole withdrawal thing.  Which I can’t, because I really can’t afford a bad night’s sleep if I can get an okay one.  I know that I’m hurting myself in the long run, but with this disease not sleeping could be hurting me even more in the long run (e.g. if it were to cause a flare that causes more kidney damage). 

There you have it.  A small window into the circular thinking that goes on inside my head. 

I shouldn’t even be sitting here typing this, I should be taking a nap. 

But then what if I can’t sleep tonight?

Agh.