Lately I feel incapable of putting thoughts into words. There are moments when I feel it’s fair to blame the brain fog, but mostly I think I’ve just lost the ability to think creatively. Or to think. Period.
Why will life not hold itself constant so that I can figure things out? I am stressed. I am tired. I am tapering my meds and I have no way of knowing how much of the pain I’m in is coming from the change in meds and how much is because I physically suck at handling stressful situations.
Even though The Big Test itself is going to suck, I feel really relieved that at least it’s almost here and will be over after this Saturday. I should be flattered that everyone seems to think I am exaggerating my lack of prepared-ness and seems to think I will pass, but it just kind of bugs me. I know I’m not prepared and I am not being humble or coy when I say I will not pass. At this point, I’m sitting for the test because I have no other choice as they don’t allow you to cancel (I checked). If I do pass, it will be sheer dumb luck, but realistically? Yeah, I’m gonna fail.
Also stressing me out has been the whole loan closing process. We FINALLY signed loan docs today, since we were supposed to have closed today that’s not entirely reassuring but at this point we figure our seller is not going to back out after approving three financing contingency extensions and one escrow date extension (which we are technically in breach of now I guess?). The underwriting process has been an exercise in incompetence, I do plan on going into more detail about which bank we were dealing with once this process is behind us and our loan is fully funded, so if you are planning on getting a mortgage anytime soon, check back in on who to avoid like the plague. Supposedly there is a chance we will fund tomorrow, but with the way things have been going, I’m not going to expect anything until Friday.
So amidst all of this my arthritis has flared up to a degree it has not been at in awhile…aaand…my blood pressure has actually gone down back towards normal-ish (still high though) levels. I don’t know what this means. I honestly don’t feel confident that my doctors will know what this means, because after five years, I just don’t have that much faith in Western medicine. Sure they are good at figuring out what’s going wrong with you, but it doesn’t seem like they have an actual solution beyond trying to control the symptoms. But that’s a whole other rant for another time.
I swear, at some point, I will quit being such a downer. Maybe once this week has passed.