transcended.net

I’ve been keeping myself busy occupied lately.

Actually, even that’s not really true.  I’m not sure what I’ve been doing lately, but it (clearly) hasn’t involved the actual publishing of any of the posts I’ve half-written over the past ten days. 

I feel so scattered.  In so many directions.  And I’m not sure how to translate that into words that can be understood by other people – or even by myself a year from today. 

And I’m avoiding.  I don’t want to think about the Really Important Things so instead I’ve been distracting myself with a couple items of laughably minor true importance, and other items that are actually Pretty Important.  You see, this is why I always like to have a reservoir of Things I Actually Do Need To Do at the ready (not because I’m a horrible procrastinator, not at all…) so that when something even more important comes up, I can reason with myself, “Well, Self, you really do need to get this done too, so is it really so bad if you do this first?”  That was a conversation I had in my mind many, many times during college.  It usually involved a big test and cleaning my room.  Or redesigning this site (which sounds like a curiously good idea right now, no?). 

Sigh.

If only life could be so simple again.  Now I’m worrying about the fact that my fertile years are waning and my kidneys won’t cooperate with me (and actually, am I fertile at all?). 

And, in the Slightly Less Important But Still Pretty Important category, despite working 11 hour days (and lunches are eaten on the desk) and waking up at four in the freaking morning (which yes, still sucks), I’ve recently concluded that I’m going to have to put a LOT more effort into my job.  Like probably more effort than I’ve ever really exerted on anything before in my life. 

Sadly the really laughable things now are those that are unchanged since college.  Eerily unchanged, in fact.

On the adoption front, I have done…nothing.  I googled South+Korean+adoption+agencies and a billion of them (or at least that’s how it seemed) came up and I suddenly I felt crushingly overwhelmed (for the other country there is only one approved agency).  Reality began to sink in as I realized, not only is this not going to be easy, I’m going to have to chase this really, really hard.  Every single step of the way. 

Life isn’t fair.  I know this.  And yet, I can’t help but mentally stomp by feet and pout over the injustice of it all.  I want things to be easy.  I want my path to parenthood to involve nothing more than a bottle of wine and a brazilian wax (*tmi alert* which by the way I decided to test out for the first time during Sp.aWe.eek last week and am decidedly now a fan of) but instead it looks like it’s going to involve research, forms, phone calls, chasing bureaucrats re: paperwork and generally having our lives examined under a microscope by virtual strangers who are evaluating our fitness as parents from a pile of documents and a few brief meetings. 

It feels completely unnatural.  And scary.  And it makes me kind of tired just thinking about it (and then I watch Teen Mom 2 and really want to hang myself).

And that’s all I can manage for right now, so time to bid you a good night…