cutting off your nose to spite your face

Lately, people asking me what’s going on with our adoption situation has been turning me into a ball of angsty rage. 

As with most of my outward emotions, I’ve done quite well in holding in this hulk-like anger, but it’s probably not great for my stress levels. 

So I finally took a moment to examine the reactions I’ve been having and I think I’ve figured it out.

It’s my own fault, really.  We’ve known for so long that adoption would be part of our family building plan that I tried to brush past all these feelings of anger, of grief and loss.  And of course, the ever-present feeling of Failure.

Except I still feel all those things.  I’ve been feeling them more and more actually. 

And so everytime someone brings up the “a” word to me, I feel like I’m being cornered, as though THEY are the ones guilty of pushing me into moving on before I’m ready.  And I have to stop and remind myself that I was the one who did that. 

I have a confession to make.

And no, I DO still want to adopt, it’s not that at all. 

But I confess that in this process, I’ve been so desperate to put on this brave face that I’ve used adoption like a shield and as such I’ve let it become a topic that now feels even more painfully complex than it already was.

I’ve talked to people about adoption so that I don’t have to talk about how much the rest of it hurts, and then I wince in pain when people don’t understand that I’m still struggling with the the fact that by adopting now, I am at least partially capitulating to the fact that I probably won’t ever get to experience certain aspects of parenthood. 

The problem?  I don’t want to talk to people about that stuff.  And now, I don’t want to talk to them about adoption either.

Like I said in my last post…


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