transcended.net

Last Friday I had a checkup with my rheumy and like clockwork I had a dream about The Ex and rejection last night.

I almost feel bad for The Ex (though I’m sure he doesn’t care) that he appears to be associated with such negativity by my subconscious.  Consciously I hold nothing against him, in fact I’m grateful for our experience together because it ultimately prepared me for the hubby, but it would seem that my subconscious thinks the man is all Sadness and Pain because seriously?  Everytime my doctor makes me feel as though my body is hopelessly broken and like I might as well just give up now, my mind inevitably starts to obsess over why the ex didn’t want to live happily ever after with me.   Not very subtle right?

Please, no one get the wrong idea here, I am TOTALLY in love with my husband and wouldn’t trade him for anything – not even if The Ex had the cure for lupus stashed away – and I’m completely not in love with The Ex or vice versa.  My subconscious is just dumb and I’m really convinced that since he was the last really painful experience in my life, my mind associates him with being depressed now.

Anyway, the doctor took  the opportunity to reiterate to me once again (I’m starting to feel like I have Ex dreams to look forward to every four months until I either switch doctors or ignore him and get pregnant against doctor’s orders) that he will probably never feel comfortable with me getting pregnant.  I kind of wasn’t expecting him to bring it up again (or maybe I was just hoping he wouldn’t) after the last awful conversation in February but as soon as he started to go there, I was prepared.  I didn’t even flinch when he mentioned adoption (nor did I acknowledge he said it).

But when he started talking about the risks for pre-eclampsia (which unfortunately looks a lot like a kidney flare) and a woman under his treatment who’d had that happen and the baby had to stay in the NICU due to preterm delivery….

That did bother me.

And then on Saturday morning my mom told me that a cousin who I grew up with had an early miscarriage.  Won’t go into details, but unfortunately even that part of it doesn’t seem to be going as it should and I’m just….completely heartbroken for her, so much so that I’m not even sure how to react.  I want to cry and yet I don’t want to let myself feel it because I’m afraid I will feel it too much, if that makes any sense?  I’ve lurked in the infertility blogosphere long enough to know there are a million wrong things I could say, but I’m going to write her an email because I’ve also learned that it’s much worse not to acknowledge it at all.  I don’t know if she knows that I know yet, but with the way the family grapevine works I assume she figures we will all hear soon…

Hearing about my cousin and what my doctor said together shook me.  I’ve been so set on the idea that once I get myself healthy we can at least start trying to get pregnant and now….now I’m just scared.  Wondering even if I can get myself healthy enough to get pregnant, will I stay healthy through a pregnancy?  I started to think about the fact that I don’t fucking trust my body, not one bit, so how can I trust it with the most precious thing in the world – an innocent life?!?  HOW?!

I don’t know if I can.

I really, really want to.  But honestly…as it stands now…even if I were off the meds…in my heart of hearts I know it would be a horribly selfish thing if I got pregnant.  I’m too aware of how broken my body is and I don’t trust it not to try to kill even the things that belong in there (see: YOUR OWN FREAKING KIDNEYS).

So my only hope now is that I can miraculously get my health to a place where I don’t feel that way anymore.  I don’t know if it’s possible.  But I hope it is.  And if it isn’t, I hope I have the strength to know that.

Today I went to my first full acupuncture appointment.  She told me that she thinks my kidneys and heart seem weak based on my tongue and pulse.  Kidneys are obvious since I had just gone through my medical history with her but the heart less so and to be honest it freaked me out a little because I do often feel like I’m having an irregular heartbeat or mild chest pain.   All my EKG’s and stress tests have been normal so I’ve always written it off as being in my head – but maybe not?  I remember my mom telling me that TCM believes that by the time your tests are going wrong it’s too late (makes sense to me).  I’m not 100% sold though on acupuncture and herbs, but (fingers crossed) my insurance covers a dozen or so visits (no copay) so I’m trying it for free anyway.

In other, more exciting news, Paul and I started attending church again.  And by that I mean we’ve gone two consecutive weeks in a row to the same church and I think we’ll probably keep going.  It’s one of the ones we church hopped before when we were torn between a couple and then stopped attending both.  They both had their pluses and minuses but I think until we have kids this one just suits us a little better.  I was feeling pretty down before yesterday’s message and then the pastor gave the exact sermon I needed to hear.  It never ceases to amaze me how God does that.

Sorry if this post felt choppy but it’s literally one of a dozen I’ve started since the last and I really just wanted to get it out before I could think too hard about each sentence and delete the entire thing.