transcended.net

So turn around
You’re not too far to back away
Be who you are
To change your path, go another way
It’s not too late, you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights, hope to forget
Can disappear, they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong, can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears, dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark, distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl

My anxiety levels have been increasing over the past few days.  I don’t have any great explanation for it beyond it just being normal for me to periodically get depressed/anxious and also I might be pms-ing.  Might be because I really don’t know what my body does or how and when it decides to do what it does.  I’m on a strictly need-to-know basis – we’re tight like that, me and my body.

I am struggling to understand myself right now.  Understand what I’m working towards and what it is I’m looking for.  More and more I’m convinced that what I’m looking for is God.

I’ve never known how to say this, not really, but maybe I need to just lay it out there, no matter how embarrassing it may be to say it…

I believe in God, I really, truly believe that and I think I pretty much always have since I started attending church at the age of five.  First I believed in God because I was raised believing in God and as I grew up the argument made perfect sense to me.  I looked around at the world, particularly at some of the beautiful scenery I was introduced to as my parents dragged me from state park to state park, and it was just so obvious to me that there had to be a God.  From age five til my midteens I lived what looked like a typical Christian lifestyle, I went to church on Sundays, prayed before meals, helped out with church events and generally and genuinely turned to God for guidance, particularly in times of distress.  I must admit though, even at this time, when I was a “good Christian” I felt deep down inside me that I hadn’t really “died to myself,” not completely.  I never let go of the selfishness deep down, the wanting to live for myself.  Not even at my “best.”

And then during the latter years of high school, my rebellious nature and some unfortunate things that happened drove me to question was God really a loving God?  I mean, did He really care?  Or was He just up there taking care of the big details and letting us worry about our puny little lives?   Was there any point in talking to Him at all?  And I started to believe maybe there wasn’t as I went about my life without Him and nothing really bad seemed to be happening.  In fact, I was having more fun and was becoming a more interesting person!  And I got in the habit of not turning to Him and not caring what He might think about my life or my priorities.  I convinced myself He didn’t care anyway, so what did it matter?

But then, I got sick and suddenly God’s love became so incredibly clear to me again, or maybe for the first time.  I’m not saying it’s my own fault that I got sick, but there are certain things you can do that are terrible for triggering lupus and I did a lot of them before I got sick…For anyone out there who may be struggling with chronic illness or any kind of illness, please don’t take this as any kind of judgement on anyone other than myself.  This is how I feel personally about my illness, and I strongly believe that I shoulder a lot of the “blame” for it, if there is “blame” to be shared at all.  I don’t blame God because the things I did that I suspect could have contributed to my current condition are all things I probably wouldn’t have done had I been living my life for God at the time.  Also, for the record, I don’t think lupus is a “punishment” from God for the things I did, but a consequence, like when you tell your kids not to touch the stove and they touch it anyway?  They’re going to get burned.  Getting burned isn’t some punishment you inflicted on them because they touched the stove, but rather the whole point of you teaching them not to touch the stove in the first place right?

I saw how God loved me anyway, despite how messed up I’d become chasing after my own happiness, how He still took me back and cared for me and saved me from myself.  My body was attacking my kidneys and it could have been when they failed that I noticed anything was wrong, but God made sure something else entirely happened.  It’s why, in a very weird way, I’m grateful for the experience of having lupus even as I wish for them to find a cure for it.

But anyway, I guess that brings us to the present part of the story, the embarrassing part.

I haven’t forgotten that God cares about me and what I do in my daily life, I just can’t seem to get myself to live that way.

I spent so long living how I wanted to live that I can’t seem to adjust myself back to living for God.

And ultimately, I know that’s what’s underlying all the anxiety and tension inside me, but I can’t seem to force myself to shut up and just do it already.