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I’m not sure why but I’ve been totally exhausted this week.  Normally I wake up before my alarm and am actually pretty awake when I get out of bed, but I’ve been hitting snooze these past couple days and feeling wiped out throughout the entire day.  I mentioned this to one of my friends (who knows our situation) and he immediately asked me if I was preggo.

Um…okay.  He literally asks me this everytime I mention being tired.

I told him (for the millionth time) that if I were, that would not be ideal.  And now of course, I’m being paranoid.  Because that’s what I do.

So I’m debating flushing another $5 down the toilet by using one of those pregnancy tests I always keep on hand to satisfy my paranoia in these very situations.

Everytime I take one of those things and it comes out negative (which it always has), I feel both relieved and annoyed to be reminded of the fact that I am not pregnant and am not supposed to be pregnant.  So of course, I’m hesitant to take one today.  But I probably will.  Because again, that’s what I do.

I’ve actually been in a pretty good mood this week.  Relatively calm, work hasn’t been overly stressful, until today of course.  I have two days off next week for my birthday which I am looking forward to so much you have no idea.  I feel like I need to regroup.  I’m not even sure what I’m going to do during those two days other than go get my driver’s license renewed.  The world is my oyster….

Things I’m currently trying not to stress out over….

**  There’s a unit in our building currently for sale.  It has been on the market for probably six months now and they keep lowering the price.  They bought it over twenty years ago so for them they are still doubling their investment even with all the price drops (assuming they can sell at or around their level) but it’s been driving me nuts.  Rates have gone down since we bought but we haven’t even bothered to try and refi because this dang unit has been on the market and will undoubtedly bring down our valuation.  We are not underwater yet (mainly because we had to put 20% down) but if they keep lowering their price instead of pulling it off the market and renting it out, we may get to that point soon and it’s REALLY pissing me off when I think about it.  I’m not sure why they’re having so much trouble selling, but it freaks me out and has been making me feel like all my fears about owning were justified.  Which sucks, because I do love this place and it is a wonderful home and my husband loves being a homeowner, I know it’s made him much happpier than if we had continued to rent.  But I just worry.  I have to stop.  There’s nothing we can do at this point so I need to just let go of this.

**  I was approached with a possible job opportunity and this has been stressing me out because I don’t like change and I think I’m in a good spot where I am, but I hate turning people down and I really respect this person who is approaching me so I feel like I need to at least hear him out.  I don’t know why this is stressing me out but it is.  I need to stop.  This is stupid.  I will meet with him, hear him out and then probably tell him that the opportunities in my current position are difficult to leave, so while I appreciate him thinking of me I will probably pass.   I need to reinforce to myself everytime I feel stressed out about this, that this is a GOOD situation to be in, not a bad one.

** And yet, I worry about keeping my job.  Just like in high school I always felt like my friends were mad at me, I always feel like I’m about to be fired.  I don’t have any concrete reason for feeling this way, it’s not as though I’ve been screwing up at work (not that I know of anyway) and yet, I still feel so insecure.  I know this is pointless, as long as I’m working hard, which I am, I’m doing all I can and need to just let go and let God.  If they do let me go for whatever reason, I can’t really change that right?

And some good stuff…

**  Years ago, at my church in LA we made a list of people we wanted to pray for, people who we hoped God would move towards Him.  One of the people on my list was a good childhood friend of mine who I actually now work with.  Back then, he did come with me to church a few times but we moved not too long after and his interest sort of faded from there.  Recently, he had an experience with some friends of his from college who became Christians after college that made him re-examine his life and he told me that he is now seeking God again – really seriously this time.  He is not quite ready to be a believer yet, but he has been reading the Bible I gave him years ago and we agreed to start doing bible study together!  We’ve only done one so far, but he seems committed to continuing and I’m so amazed at how God has worked here.  It’s been such a blessing to me too, because it’s giving me this opportunity to strengthen my own faith, which I know is in desperate need of strengthening.  In fact, his questions about God and Christianity are what finally pushed Paul and I to get serious about joining a church, which we now have.

**  Paul and I got to hang out with my friend Woman Warrior and her husband this past weekend when they came through the city.  We had such an awesome time with them and it felt SO GOOD to talk to other people who completely understood where we were coming from with our frustration towards western medicine, doctors, medications and how insensitive people are when it comes to infertility issues!  As sad as it makes me that they only get it because they’re going through such a tough and painful time themselves (and I wish that wasn’t the case at all!) it is a relief to not feel so alone in all of this.

** Tomorrow is Friday.