On the way to dropping Paul off at work I could feel it. The tears were coming today.
I’m not happy today. I don’t feel loved. Not because I don’t think there are people who love me; I don’t think I want to feel loved.
When I was alone in the car I told myself happy birthday and the tears came. I got to the garage, the song Beautiful by MercyMe came on and I knew God was trying to love me and I wanted no part of it.
I still kind of don’t.
For whatever reason I just want to wallow in this feeling of brokenness right now. Not the good kind of brokenness, the heavy, ugly, old and tired kind.
I don’t know what’s wrong today, I really don’t.
I feel sick to my stomach. I feel frustrated. Most of all, I feel nothing inside. Numb, empty, dead. Nothing.
This too shall pass, but I don’t want to hear that right now.
((hugs)) Thinking of you today.