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All that positivity I was feeling last week?

Gone.  Totally gone.

On Sunday after service I was actually wondering if perhaps God wasn’t trying to tell me that I should be content at my job, that even though it can be REALLY tough to be a Christian in this environment, that was exactly the reason I needed to stay.  The sermon was about how we can glorify God in everything we do.  I thought it was speaking to me.  I thought it was a sign.

Now I have another sign.  I feel terrible.  Physically terrible.  I shouldn’t even be sitting up typing this right now since my arms are aching up into my shoulder blades.  My back hurts.  My knees hurt.  My kidneys ache.  Everything hurts.

I’m exhausted, I feel anemic.  And sadly, I know what that feels like.  It feels like this.  And this feels like another big fucking flare coming on.

And I’m pissed.  I’m pissed at myself for not knowing my limits.  I’m pissed that once again, just when I was feeling better and hopeful about my health and reproductive possibilities for the future, this is happening again.  I’m pissed that I did this to my own body for a fucking paycheck.  I’m just…so…pissed…at me.

Last week I went out to a baseball game with a client.  I didn’t really want to go but my senior guy wanted me to come.  It felt like the sunniest freaking day of the summer.  I brought a big hat, I covered myself with my jacket even though I was sweating.  But I should have known that I should have told them I needed to go inside.  That I couldn’t be in that kind of sun even if I was all covered up.  But I didn’t because I was afraid of how it would look.  And now this.

And of course this was probably the most stressful week for the markets since I’ve started in my new role.  Of course.  And of course one of my senior guys was out so I had to put so much more pressure on myself than I normally do (which is still probably too much).  Of course.  And of course, I can’t take time off even though that’s probably the one and only thing that can stave off this flare right now.  Such is the nature of what I do.

I don’t know why I do this to myself or how much longer it can go on.  I really don’t.

I’m dreading going to the doctor.  I don’t want to.  I’m going to up my steroids and hope that helps.

Sigh.