transcended.net

I did pretty much nothing over the weekend.  A couple meals out, church, netflix, dvr-ed shows and lots and lots of rest.  I do feel better but it wasn’t a completely restful weekend because…

There were also a lot of talks with the hubs and a lot of praying and a lot of hand-wringing.

Last week in the middle of my meltdown over my health the hubs sprung this on me, one of his buddy’s told him about a great opportunity at his company, a company hubby is sort of desperate to get into because it’s basically one of the top names in the industry and will probably really explode once a certain pending matter is resolved (which seems like it will be done soon).

The catch?  It’s in LA.  Because, OF COURSE IT IS.

This would be fine given that I’ve recently concluded I’m probably not long for my job one way or another…

Except that I really hate LA.  After close to seven years in the westside I was completely done with it.  Done with the horrendous traffic, the frustrating parking, the shallowness of the people, just done with all of it.  I told Paul the other day that it just feels like a hollow, empty, soul-less city to me.  I know I was probably just in the wrong area, but to me that’s just how it feels down there.  It is night and day living in SF vs LA.  The people up here are kooky weirdos, but they’re NICE kooky weirdos.  And anyway, I like that they’re kooky weirdos.  This city has a soul.  This city has a heartbeat.  This city is unique and off-beat and so, so special to me.  You wouldn’t think it given my politics, but oddly enough I love so much of what makes this city tick.  I can barely even think about moving back to LA, away from my family….The truth is I’ve never ONCE missed it or wanted to go back.  Whenever people ask me how I liked it or if I would go back I’ve always said the only way I’d even consider it would be if there was a career opportunity for one of us that we just couldn’t say no to.  This could be that, but it’s not as clear cut as I’d hoped it would be to make a decision like this.

And then of course, another big issue is this condo.  At first it really upset me to think about this because this is one of the things that made me hesitant about buying this place in the first place and Paul was so sure that we were here to stay and didn’t need to worry about something like this happening, at least not anytime in the near future.  It really bugs me that barely a year later this is what we’re facing.  It bothers me that sometimes it feels like he just wants what he wants and gets tunnel vision and doesn’t REALLY weigh out all the possibilities.  I’m probably to the opposite extreme so I guess we can balance each other out to some extent, but the truth is I was also quite upset with myself.  Because I feel like I let the fact that I want him to be happy win out against my better judgement and knowing what I know about him I should have made a bigger fuss and forced us to examine this possibility more than we did.  Let’s face it, it was pretty obvious given that the bottomline is that there are more opportunities for him doing what he’s doing in LA as opposed to up here.

We’d have to pay back the tax credits we got, we’d have to be apart for several months (at least) and we’d have to put any plans to have kids whether naturally or by adoption on hold.  Because we’d probably have to live in a studio down there for a couple years at least until the “opportunity” put hubby into a higher paying job.  He seems to think that it’d be a given but I don’t know.  What if it’s not?

I’m afraid to push the fact that I don’t want to go because I don’t want him to resent me for not seizing this opportunity.  But I’m also afraid that we will move down there and I’ll resent him for being in a place I really dislike.  Particularly if he is working long hours and I don’t have much of a support system down there because my parents are up here.  I feel like we’re between a rock and a hard place and I know I shouldn’t have said this to him but I did say to him that maybe it would have been better for him if we’d never gotten married.  Not that I want him to leave me or want us to get divorced, that’s SO not what I want, but I have to admit that a lot of the times I feel so guilty about this marriage.  I feel so guilty that I can’t be a real partner to him in a lot of ways because of my health, he is always taking care of me, of the house, I hate that it’s because of me that he has to worry about having kids and adoption and all of that…

Basically, I hate feeling like his mom was right (hence the reason she refused to come to our wedding).  But I guess that is a whole other can of worms separate from this possible job opportunity/moving thing…

I don’t know what the final conclusion is, he is very torn because he knows how unhappy I am in general with the idea of living in LA for any reason and being apart from my family in particular, but he wants this job so badly.  I’m torn because I want him to be happy with what he’s doing, especially since I’m not and I think ultimately it makes more sense for him to be the primary breadwinner (as opposed to now when I am actually making more and the potential is all with me).  I told him I’d actually even prefer it if the job was in a different state, like Colorado or Texas or NY because I’d know with any of those places neither of us would feel comfortable putting down roots and staying but I know in LA it would be so easy for us to just stay forever and the idea of raising my family away from my family is so unimaginable to me.  Especially if we ever did end up doing a transracial adoption I think it would be so much better to be near my parents as opposed to his.  We are not close to his parents, he is not really close to them, they are old school.  We are super close to my parents, they see Paul as a son and they are so not old school Asian parents.  They have told me that they would love any child we bring into this family as their grandchild and I know they would.

I guess I’m just rambling at this point.  I don’t really know what to say or do.  I just want a clear sign from God.  At this point it feels like he will probably just apply and we’ll just have to pray that an open or closed door is God’s sign.  I’m just not sure it always works that way since I’m sure there are sometimes opportunities that we should not take that appear in front of us like the tree in the Garden of Eden, but I guess we’ll just have to pray to recognize that if it’s the case.

I really wish it was like Bible times when God would just speak out loud to you with a clear message.  Go to LA, don’t go to LA, c’mon I just want to hear three to four words.  Please?