transcended.net

So he went ahead and applied.  He was sort of running out of time to throw his name into the running and although he would really hope not to be in a position where he would have to turn down an offer (he has a lot of ties to the company and would be afraid to burn bridges) he said that if it came down to it and I/we still felt like it just wasn’t the right thing, he would turn it down.

At the very least his ambivalence may help with the salary negotiation right?  (If he gets that far that is).

I’m still so torn, not even sure what I should be sharing with him.  I’m afraid I won’t know how to walk the line between lashing out in anger because I don’t want to go and voicing honest concerns that could be hurtful even though they are valid.  I’m afraid that if I bring up valid concerns and he writes them off that will make me angry and more resentful if we do end up moving and the things I’m afraid of come to pass.

I hope I don’t react that way, I haven’t so far about the condo.  I think I’ve actually been pretty fair about putting the “blame” for that on both of us (his pushing and not thinking about these possibilities and my lack of pushing to think about these things) but somehow I think moving to LA will be an entirely different story.  I was torn about buying a place, part of me did want to, part of me did think it was a great opportunity and a great time to do it.  Part of me knew I would love living here (and I really do).

But when it comes to LA, every fiber in my being is screaming NO, NO, NO.  I could be wrong, but everything I feel tells me I won’t love living there.  I feel like I will be miserable there.  I feel like I will become bitter and resentful about being forced to be there.  I don’t want to tell him that though, for the obvious reasons.  But maybe I should?  I’m afraid that the stress of having to figure out what to do with this condo, of living apart for at least six months or more, of knowing I have to move to LA and figure things out there, will just destroy me healthwise.  I don’t want to put it like that to him, but I’m also somewhat confident it will set me back greatly.  He thinks maybe not working will help with the stress, but the fact of the matter is if I’m not working then I’m just waiting for him to get home and that stresses me out too.  Particularly if he’s working longer hours.

He wants to go, he wants to do this.  I know he wants what’s best for us but I know how he gets tunnel vision too.  He can convince himself this is the right thing just as much as I’ve convinced myself it’s the wrong thing.  And I know that to some extent these are the moments that marriage is all about, but I’m really afraid about either of us feeling held hostage at the end of the day.  There doesn’t feel like there is a compromise between what either of us wants in that case and I hate that.  In the past whenever we’ve come up against situations like this, one of us has always felt more strongly than the other and the compromise has been to go with whoever cared more about that particular issue.  I think both of us really want things to go our way this time.

Should I just sit quietly?  Wait and see how this all plays out?  There’s a decent chance that he will not get the position anyway, and at this point his name is already out there, so I guess that’s all I can do anyway.

Once again I’m just rambling, trying to make myself feel better.  I feel terribly alone right now. I wish I could just crawl up under my blankets and sleep until things are decided one way or another.

I wish I could let go.

Gripping on so tight
With the security I have inside
Knowing what is right
Holding on to my pride

– Letting Go by Jeremy Camp