Okay, so I probably don’t give my husband enough credit sometimes. I can’t help it, I get so wrapped up in my head and imaginary conversations that I’ve had with me, myself and I.
I also don’t give myself credit. I’m not one of those people that’s good at keeping thoughts from my significant other. My husband doesn’t ever really have to guess what I’m thinking or if I’m mad, what I’m mad about. I’m incapable of keeping it from him. It tumbles out immediately when he asks, “What’s wrong?”
And the reason I can’t tell him not to do this came out in our discussion just now. It all goes back to the fact that I feel like he is already being held hostage. I feel like my disease forces him to sacrifice constantly. I feel like if he had just married someone else, someone without this awful, disgusting baggage called lupus, his life would be so much better. I feel like I can’t ask him to give up one more thing when there is a high likelihood that he will have to give up something I know he wants so badly – biological children.
He can tell me a hundred times that if it comes to that, he’d rather be with me anyway, but I feel so guilty. I know that deep down he hasn’t accepted the possibility that we won’t have biological children. And I think there is a part of me that has come to believe that and it hurts so much everytime he tries to reassure me, that there’s still a chance. That I have to stay positive and be hopeful. Because, I’m just not. Not right this moment anyway. Not when I feel this way. Not when my shoulders ache with arthritis and I feel so tired.
But I get that my health is actually part of the reason he wants this too. Because he thinks if he can leverage this opportunity, it will allow me to be more fickle about my job and not work so hard and not pile all this stress on myself.
Ugggghhhhhhhhhh….is 6pm too early for a sleeping pill?