i don’t know why i do this to myself

I’m so upset right now and it’s my own fault.  I’m upset with myself.  Again.  Upset to the point that I can’t help the tears of anger.

I wish it would help to throw things, to shout every cuss word I know or can make up, to put my fist through a wall.

But none of it is going to help or change a thing.

I got my blood taken this weekend, and it went well.  I went in expecting things to be, at worst, unchanged from my last check which showed things to be stable (not improving but stable at acceptable levels).  I’ve been feeling really good, well as good as I’ve felt in a long time.  No aches and pains to speak of, decent energy levels, everything pointed to things being good.

And they were.  Well at least the first few tests I’ve gotten back showed things actually improving this time which got my mind spinning with thoughts of maybe, maybe being able to get pregnant next year.

Then there was today.  Today where ironically I went to a women’s networking event put together by my company.  An event where they talked a lot (mostly) about how to balance having children with the challenges of a male-dominated, time-sucking industry.  And I somehow ended up in a seat (next to my client) where the sun was blasting in directly onto me during almost the entire three hour event.

I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t bring myself to excuse myself, to move to another seat out of the sun, because I was worried how it would look and what my client would think.

And an hour later I’m already paying for it.  The joints in my arms and legs hurt.  I feel exhausted.  I do have a sunburn on my legs even though supposedly glass is supposed to at least block UVB rays which cause sunburn (lucky me, I googled after the event that UVA rays cause the most issue for people with lupus and yup, you guessed it, UVA goes through glass).

So basically I’m fucked.  I fucked myself.  I fucked myself ONCE AGAIN and probably set myself back at least another few months if not longer all for my fucking job.

Fuck this shit.

I don’t even know what else to say.

Is this a sign??!?  Because it feels like a sign.

Only I don’t know where it’s pointing.

All I know is right now?  I hate myself.

One comment

  1. Hillary says:

    I’m so sorry 🙁 Thinking of you and hope you are feeling a little better (emotionally and physically) today).