transcended.net

Apparently, I have nothing to say anymore.

This is kind of true, and also kind of not.  I have nothing new to say anymore.

Just the same old feelings, thoughts, pains, and gripes over the same old crap.

I’m overwhelmed by this feeling of being stuck.  And of incompetence and general loser-ness.

Yesterday I almost had an emotional breakdown at work, in the middle of the day, for no particular reason.  I’m not sure what started it, maybe a friend asking me on chat if I would describe myself as being happy with my life, but plenty of things sent me spiraling deeper and deeper into a pit of emotional despair (especially when a new-dad and very-soon-to-be-dad started discussing birth behind me).

I came thisclose to breaking down into a sobbing mess while sitting at my desk (surrounded by dudes) which would have been REALLY hard to explain considering NOTHING was happening.  Luckily the person who sits right next to me was gone yesterday and I was able to wipe away the tears before I had to interact with anyone who might have noticed.

Clearly, I’m about to get my period.  Because I really hope I’m not just turning permanently into a weepy hot mess.

I have been having a harder time dealing with things lately though.  To be honest, it’s probably another reason I haven’t been posting, a lot of what I want to say are things I’m sort of ashamed to admit.  Whenever I hear about pregnancies, babies, etc., it’s like one of those sitcoms where an angel and a devil appear on each shoulder.

The angel, of course, is genuinely happy for other people (especially the people I love!) and wants to hear all about it.  I love my friends kids and babies and growing bellies!  I am honored when they let me be even a small part of that.

But then, there’s the other side, with that tiny devil sitting there.  Who’s not being not happy for them, but rather being unhappy and feeling sorry for myself.  Who can’t help but see or hear about other people’s children without it being a painful reminder that I don’t necessarily get all that.  The devil is also questioning whether or not I’d even be a good parent and saying horrible things like, MAYBE THAT’S THE REASON.

Except that really doesn’t seem like the criteria by which God chooses people to be parents, does it?

But anyway, when I’m being honest, I feel both sets of emotions.  With certain people I feel more one way than the other.  But for the most part they’re both there and a part of me.

***

I have this secret plan I haven’t told anyone about yet.  It’s sad, but since it’s related ot my health, I sort of already feel like it will fail.  And I hate people knowing I’ve failed so I can’t bring myself to say it out loud.

I finally started tapering my meds.  On my own.  I’ve been back on them for over a year now and things have been quiet for a year.  My doctors seem to be telling me I will take medication for the rest of my life and I find this completely unacceptable.  If I thought being on the meds for longer would give me a chance of getting off of them I would do it, but at this point I’ve been taking them for almost seven years so I don’t think that’s the issue.  The issue is whatever the underlying disease is?  That’s still there.

I’ve been doing a bunch of alternative medicines (although I could adhere to them a little more strictly…) and my kidney function at last check is better than what the doctors told me I could probably hope to get back to.  So maybe something is doing something.

Oh, and I have an appointment with my doctor coming up and I don’t plan on telling him.

I’m a rebel like that.