Where do I begin? Do I start with all the small, good things I have found the ability to be thankful for? Do I begin with the feeling of complete and utter failure and disappointment in my body? Or do I talk about how I’m not sure anymore what to do next.
I suppose I could just talk about the fact that my arms sort of resemble those of an IV drug user since I’ve had six different needles stabbed into various parts of my arms over the last seven days. Did I ever mention how much I hate needles? I managed to successfully avoid all blood tests for twelve years and then karma bit me in the ass and I’ve had too many to count in the last five and a half (!) years.
How do I feel? I still feel like crap. My anemia is not getting worse but it’s not improving at this point either so I am teetering at the edge of “blood transfusion” territory. I’m really hoping to avoid that if at all possibile (see: fear of blood and needles) and my doc is optimistic that my current treatments will work at slowly bumping my numbers back to where they should be. Being aware of just how anemic I am is oddly comforting because it makes me understand why I’ve been so completely exhausted and the brain fog I’ve been experiencing these last few weeks. I thought I was just losing my mind, it’s kind of nice to know there’s a biological reason for it.
In the coming weeks I’m going to have to carefully balance my health with my career. I am at an interesting stage at work. I have proven myself, I am starting to be given small opportunities. I’m not sure how the inevitable sick days or leave-work-early for doc appt days are going to affect all this but I guess I can’t be overly concerned about that right now. If I don’t have my health, my career won’t last long anyway. It’s just hard to have worked so long and hard for something and to have your own pathetic health be the thing that gets in the way.
But I’m trying not to think of it that way. Next post will be dedicated to all the things I’m grateful for despite all this.
This was the first song of the three that set me off the other day. I really don’t think I could get through times like these without a belief in a loving, Heavenly Father. I’m not strong enough on my own.
Fee – Everything Falls
You said
You’d never leave or forsake me
You said
This life is gonna shake me
You said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul
This I know
When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You’re the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
And my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on
When I see
Darkness all around me
When I see
Tragedy has found me
I still believe
Your faithful arms will never let me go
Still I know
When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You’re the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
When my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on
Sorrow will last for the night
But hope is rising with the sun
It’s rising with the sun
There will be storms in this life
But I know You have overcome
You have overcome
When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You’re the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
And my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on
When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You’re the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
And my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on