transcended.net

I wanted to make this post a good one. Positive. Grateful. Optimistic.

But I just can’t right now.

Today was not a bad day. I woke up to a lovely breakfast of truffle crab ramen noodles. Picked up some organic fruits from the farmer’s market down the street. Mocked hubby relentlessly for his resuable shopping bag with a baguette peeking out the top. Got a pedi downstairs with the hubs. Finished cleaning out all my clothes from the old apartment.

Then took a nice three hour nap.

But I spent far too many minutes of the day staring off into space. Trying not to cry. Thinking about the future and the current and all the things I could have done differently. Wondering, why me? Wondering if I will ever be a mother. Knowing that I am not even close to accepting the fact that I may not be. I imagine all of this would cut so much more if I were a few years older and was faced with the reality that time was running out in more ways than one. I am still trying to figure out what to grieve at this point and how to. How much grieving vs how much hope to pour into this. I’m leaning towards hope for now, grief perhaps we can save for later. But preferrably not.

The breathing issue is still frightening. When I woke up from my nap today I was having sharp chest pains, I rolled over and they went away which leads me to believe they were just gas pains. But still, it’s weird to wonder at what point gas pains could be ER worthy pains and to have no clue where the line gets drawn. The hubby asks me what’s wrong everythime I take a deep breath because he thinks I’m sighing. Nope, just trying to fill these darned lungs with some air is all.