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I had a really angry, bitter moment today.  Okay, clearly I have a lot of those every day, but this was one of those where I found myself suddenly typing in all caps and wanting to rage at anyone who would listen.  I was at work so luckily I managed to keep my audience down to the hubs and our other buddy who is in a Bloomberg chat with us.

Let’s reach into the archives for a moment and revisit this post from October 2010 when I found out that Paul’s douchey childhood best friend had a child out of wedlock.  I don’t know if I ever mentioned this here, but I was right about her being young (I think she had just turned twenty when the baby was born).  I had met some of his girlfriends when he was living here in the states and started calling all of them Bambi because he liked girls who were young and naive and he switched them out often enough (and they were similar enough) that I didn’t even bother trying to remember their names.

Anyway, he came up today in conversation because he had sent Paul some pictures of a copper mine they just found on his land in the Philippines and bragging about how he now (literally) has a private army to protect him (because kidnappings of rich folks are common in the PI).  I remarked casually that he better also have someone guarding his gf and their kid and Paul casually mentioned back, “Oh he has a new gf now.”  Um, of course he does.  And she’s probably twelve and he will probably knock her up too because he is a scumbag douchehole and I officially hate his guts.  He lives such a fucking charmed life it makes me sick.  I don’t know why I have such a visceral reaction to him in particular, but I do.  It probably has something to do with the fact that Paul always has an excuse for him and it doesn’t even make sense to me how they are still friends because they are so different and have such completely opposite moral codes (they have been best friends since they were six years old and maintain their friendship now even though they live on different sides of the world).

It’s just NOT FAIR.  And I know that all this “infertility stuff” is one giant lesson in how fucking unfair life is, but still – IT’S SO FUCKING UNFAIR that this cradle-robbing prick has managed to spread his seed.  Ugh.

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As I mentioned briefly in my last post rant, I switched meds last weekend.  I did finally hear back from the doctor last week and was told that based on the test they ran I didn’t seem to be at risk for my WBC crapping out.  So, yay.  He did throw in the caveat once again, “if this is still what you want to do….” before he went on to ask me where they should send the prescription.  I also have to go get my blood drawn again next week and probably every two weeks or so for the next eight weeks.  I want to be excited about this, but I also don’t want to get my hopes up.  I am supposed to be in a wedding in August and I actually let myself think the thought, “What if I get a bridesmaid dress and then can’t fit into it because I’m big and pregnant?”  Then I quickly smashed the thought of my head because there are still so many things that could go wrong between now and me being pregnant and carrying to full term.  Is it bad for me to think this way?  Am I dooming myself to failure?  Or just acting out of self-preservation?  I wish I knew the answer.

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Now that I’m officially on some sort of path towards fixing up the ol’ body in order to gestate another person, I really need to figure out how to kick my Am.bien habit.  It’s on the backburner right now while I take care of some other stuff and adjust to the new meds.  Lack of sleep always causes me to flare so I figure it’s probably not ideal to go cold turkey.  I need to figure out some sort of regimen to taper down over the next few months while I’m still on the Cell.cept anyway.

I think Paul will be glad when I quit because I’ve had some weird nights lately in my hazy Amb.ien induced fog.  On Tuesday, for some reason I decided it would be a good idea to go up the stairs, in the dark, with a bowl of pears in one hand and a plate of rice in the other.  Of course, I tripped and fell on the way up and broke the plate and Paul found me standing, confused in the stairwell.  He sent me up to the room and cleaned up the mess.

The next night I think I had some sort of meltdown where I spewed all my secret fears about, “What if I flare after the baby is born and I die?” and told him that I wanted him to find a nice woman to get remarried to and raise our imaginary child with.  I also vaguely remember repeating over and over again that he is too good for me and asking him why he was even with me.  The only reason this even came back to me at all is because I woke up with incredibly red, puffy eyes.  The sad thing is, it was all true.  It’s all stuff I’ve thought so many times in my head, especially recently as we move towards pregnancy being a real possibility.  I have a lot of fears and worries.  I also, clearly, have low self-esteem.

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Completely switching gears now, I’m an SF gal, so you know I had to mention this at some point – GO NINERS!  I was a little too young for the Joe Montana glory days, but I did get really into football during the tail-end of the Steve Young years.  I do get quite passionate about teams that I follow so I kind of had to distance myself from football the past nine years because the 9ers were just so awful and disappointing.  I love being able to watch games again without being in a foul mood afterwards!  One win away from another Superbowl and I actually feel like we have a shot!  The game against the Saints last weekend was amazing, I couldn’t stop screaming at the TV during the last four minutes (YES! NO! YES! NOOO! YESSSSSSSSSSS!) and I’m hoping this Sunday will be equally as exciting with another win for the home team!  A good game has always been the one thing that can take my mind off anything else I’m struggling with so this is just what I need.

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Also, football related, I was really pulling for Tim Tebow and the Broncos last week and was sad to see them lose, though it was expected.  If I don’t have a horse in the race, I typically cheer for the underdog regardless (so I NEVER cheer for the Pats – yuck) but after watching the Steelers game, I couldn’t help but want the Broncos Cinderella run to continue (although they would have eventually lost to the Niners in the Superbowl anyway ^^).

I honestly only watched the Niners this season so I hadn’t actually even seen the Broncos play up until the game against the Steelers and had only heard about “Tebowing” – and mostly all negative things about it.  Before seeing it with my own eyes, I thought, “Eh, it does sound kind of like he’s being a little too flamboyant about it and could be doing more harm than good,” but after I actually saw what he does, it really didn’t seem that bad to me.  It kind of just seems like he loves God and praises God in everything he does and isn’t ashamed of what he believes.  Which I respect.  Before the Broncos-Patriots game I watched some special they had on him with a lot of candid video of him on the field during games and that only cemented my belief that he is a genuinely good guy who is just being a genuine Christian and not apologizing for it (lots of footage of him encouraging/consoling his teammates, singing gospels to himself and saying little prayers).

I don’t really get why people hate on him, although it did remind me of something that Michael Chang (the tennis player) spoke about when he said that the media was not at all comfortable when he talked about his faith as he was having success in his tennis career.  He said he was shocked by the fact that he was openly mocked by the press for it, so I guess it is probably a similar situation here.

Like all that hubbub over the Tebow Superbowl commercial a couple years ago that turned out to be a positive commercial celebrating life without even mentioning abortion.  I didn’t know much about Tebow at the time but still remember being confused about what the big deal was when I actually saw the commercial vs all the stuff I had heard about it.  I remember all the press coming out about it before the commercial had even aired and people saying it was “offensive” or “holier than thou.”  It turned out to be his mom saying he was her miracle baby and how she had almost lost him many times (I think this article does a pretty good job of summing up the “controversy” – you can see the video here).  If someone can give me an actual explanation as to why that ad was so “offensive” I’d love to hear it.  It’s weird to me how people can be so upset about Christians talking about their beliefs – are Christians now the only Americans that no longer have their first amendment rights?

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I do have Project 366 pictures to post as soon as I gather up enough energy to upload them.  To be honest, some of them are half-assed iPhone pictures, but I’m still proud of myself for taking at least one picture every day!