Devastating.
That is the only way to describe yesterday. I nearly lost my voice from all the screaming and went to bed sad and disappointed.
Yes, I’m talking about the Niners. I think other than my fellow fans in red and gold, only those in Baltimore can feel my pain today.
Sigh.
This is why following sports can be so hard. Your emotions rise and fall on the performance of others, people you have no control over (I’m looking at you Kyle Williams!) despite wearing your lucky shirt or following a pre-game routine or avoiding certain behaviors that could be seen as “jinxing” them.
It’s weird how similar it feels sometimes to my journey towards pregnancy. How often I’ve felt like an observer on the sidelines, breath held, lucky hat on my head, fingers crossed, just hoping, wishing, praying for the ball to cross that line.
I know I have much more control over my health than I do a football game, but sometimes the lupus does make me feel just as powerless. In my lowest moments I can’t help but feel like despite my best efforts, I can’t win. Right now, I’m fighting a cold that I’m terrified will send me into a flare – I’m sure my doctors would attribute a flare right now to me switching meds and not simply the stress getting sick puts on my body, particularly when my work schedule is such that I can’t take time off to properly rest.
(And in case you’re wondering, what happens if I get sick during pregnancy? I plan to tell my boss VERY early on despite common practice because I do plan on doing whatever I need to, including missing as much work as necessary, to maintain a healthy pregnancy. But it’s hard to tell your company this BEFORE you even get pregnant).
I guess all I can do is keep doing what I can to stay healthy and at the end of the day, keep hoping for victory.