breaking the seal

Given the utter lack of posts for the past 2+ months I suppose it goes without saying that I’ve been a terrible blogger.

Or maybe I was just on a break?  Yes, that sounds better doesn’t it?

Since it’s actually been strangely stressful trying to figure out what to post after so much silence, I’m just going to dive straight into the deep end.  I’ll figure out how to do this again.

I’m not having a good day today.  I threw up last night before bed and again after I woke up this morning, hence the staying home from work and posting in the middle of the day.  Before anyone gets any crazy ideas, I’m definitely not pregnant.  I know this because like the pee-stick addict that I am, I did test right before I got my last period a couple weeks ago (it was negative, obviously) and my OPK today was positive after having been negative the past few days.

So yeah, we are not TTC yet but I already have a problem with peeing-on-things, so next month when we are (hopefully) actually allowed to TTC should be really interesting.  Obsessive might actually be the word I’m looking for here.

Anyway, outside of feeling like garbage today, for the most part I’ve been doing pretty well physically.  I am now completely off the Cellcept and solely on Imuran as of the end of February.  Initially my labs were showing an increase in my AST/ALT numbers (liver enzymes) which could have been bad, but then they started to decrease and now seem to be holding steady at just a touch above normal (which both doctors agree is fine as long as there is no trend upward, right now they are at 44 and 97 respectively).

I think my body is actually tolerating the Imuran better than it did the Cellcept because a lot of gastrointestinal issues I had before have suddenly disappeared.  It never really occurred to me that they were being caused by the Cellcept because I’d had them for so long but, I did take Cellcept for nearly eight straight years, so my guess is that it started happening slowly over the years and I didn’t make the connection.  When they put me on the really high dose after my last flare, I did have terrible stomach issues so it makes a lot of sense now that I have the Imuran to compare to.

I’ve also been closely monitored (as the vein in my right arm can attest to) and am showing no signs of the rare blood disorder that Imuran can cause.  I am mildly anemic, but that’s kind of always the case and it’s not getting worse (again it’s the trend that my doctors seem to care about).  Actually, I guess my anemia is so “meh” compared to when I’ve flared in the past that neither of my doctors have even mentioned it to me (another reason I always request to be cc-ed on my lab results).

I am trying really, really hard to be all care-free and lackadaisical and actually do what I always say I want to do, which is leave this in God’s hands.

I am, as usual, mostly failing.

The impatient, control-freak in me has been obsessively studying my period tracker notes and google-ing things like “fertility foods” and “how to conceive quickly.”

I know none of this is actually helpful.  None of the google searches have come up with anything I don’t already know from years of reading infertility blogs.  I suppose if it was as simple as doing a google search, there would be no IF blogs at all.

And while it is somewhat comforting knowing that I have pretty clear signs of ovulation each month, I know (also from reading IF blogs) that this doesn’t really guarantee anything.

(But yes, it is a small source of pride for me in looking back on all those notes, that wow, my body is actually probably doing one thing right!  Yay!  Where’s my cookie?)

The truth is, I’m pretty disappointed in my inability to just let go.  I feel like the lesson God has been trying to teach me over the past three years – that things happen in HIS time and not mine – hasn’t sunk in.  And I’m kind of afraid of what that means.

As I mentioned above, we’re one month away from being cleared to TTC.

Four short (endless) weeks away.

I vacillate between hope and joy, and fear and anxiety.  Every time I start to feel those first two feelings, I can’t help but think about the fact that two years ago, I was also so close and then everything fell to pieces.  It’s almost like I have PTSD about being back in this same (emotional) place and I can’t help but feel like it’s all going to slip away again.

And it occurred to me the other day that in my mind, I’ve consistently viewed being allowed to TTC as the finish line, when in reality that’s like the one mile marker of a marathon.  I’m so far from the finish line it’s not even funny.

If this read like a spectacular ramble, that’s because it was.  It felt really good to get some of this off my chest, I’ve been wanting to write but the task just seemed so gargantuan for some reason.  I do have a lot of things I want to write about so hopefully now that I’ve broken the seal, it’ll be easier to come back. 


  1. Todd says:

    Welcome back… Hope to hear more from you! You were missed

  2. the wingless one says:

    Thank you Todd and I am so, so, soooo sorry I haven’t written you back. Your email was appreciated and I really did take it to heart. I will write you back soon.