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So…I’ve pretty much gone into full on anxious-crazy-pregnant-lady mode.

As in, constantly obsessing over whether or not I actually am still pregnant.

Today’s reason du jour, my b.oobs are not quite as sore as they have been.  It is my only real, for sure, pregnancy symptom and I have been poking at the girls all day and they aren’t quite as angry as yesterday.

Cue minor emotional meltdown.  I called my nephro’s office this morning because the high risk ob is out of town and I figured that meant I can’t get another beta from him, I waited all day until I couldn’t wait any longer and called back to see if the receptionist had gotten him my desperate pleading message to order another beta.  She was really sweet and finally got ahold of him and he asked why I didn’t just call the ob’s office because his staff should be able to call in the order even if he was away.  So I did and the nurse was like, “Sure of course.”

So I could have saved myself the angst of waiting all day to find out whether or not they’d let me get another test.

Oh well.

Right when I got home from work I headed straight for the car and the hospital.  Even before I had my blood drawn, my mind was already racing with thoughts like, “What if it JUST started falling?  How will I know unless I get another test after this one?”

Hi, my name is Joyce and I’m addicted to pregnancy tests.  Pee sticks, blood tests, ultrasound, whatever, just someone reassure me I’m still pregnant pls ok thx.

I’m very torn as to whether or not I want to have morning sickness.  On the one hand, it kind of makes sense that I don’t since my mom said she never had it with either me or my sister.  I’m assuming things like that are somewhat hereditary so if she never had it, it’s reasonable to assume that I might not either.  Since I have a horrible appetite to begin with and feel nausea all the time under normal circumstances, the fact that I’ve actually felt better since getting pregnant could mean that NOT having morning sickness actually is my symptom?  And if I did get morning sickness I would probably not be able to eat anything at all since I already have no appetite to begin with (normally).

But this whole lack of symptoms thing is really pretty disconcerting too.  It’s too early for me to feel the baby move, we haven’t even had an ultrasound yet, and all the other “symptoms” are things that are kind of normal for me anyway.  Like being tired (I also haven’t been sleeping so hard to attribute that to being pregnant), breaking out (something I never did as a teenager but have been having issues with over the past year or so), stuffy nose, bloated and peeing a lot.

Okay.  I really need to stop now.  This can’t be healthy.  I need to let go of this because if anything bad is happening right now inside of me, I can’t really do much to stop it, can I?

I just have to believe in my body.  Obviously given my past this is VERY hard to do, but Paul pointed something out to me yesterday.  Despite all the shit my body has put me through over the past eight years, it has done something right recently.  It got pregnant very quickly.  And so I need to give it a break and just hope that it keeps doing right.