My first ultrasound is today and I did not sleep well at all last night. There was much tossing and turning, anxiety and nausea.
If only abject fear and paranoia were pregnancy symptoms, I could be quite sure that the little one is still growing away in there.
I admit, most of my fears are not based on anything other than fear. I’ve had normal/fast-ish rising betas, no spotting or bleeding, no unusual cramping, but still I’m afraid.
I’m afraid the baby won’t be in my uterus. Or that there will be something in my uterus but that there won’t be a heartbeat. Most irrationally, I’m afraid that somehow this is all in my head and that I was never pregnant at all (do women with hysterical pregnancies produce hCG? on second that, I don’t really want to know).
These were the thoughts that kept me awake last night despite my best efforts to accept that this is out of my hands for now.
Both my mom and Paul will be coming with me today for moral support. It will either be a happy memory that we will share together or I’ll have the two most comforting people in my life there with me on the worst day of my life.
T-minus six hours and nine minutes and counting.
But who’s counting?
Oh yeah, that would be me.
It does get better. The first trimester is SO hard psychologically. Thinking of you at your appointment and I’m hopeful for good news!