transcended.net

I guess this has become pretty obvious already but, let’s just put it out there: I have writer’s block.

Although that’s not totally true since I have done a bit of writing, it’s just all ended up being deleted for the reason of sucking. I guess the main issue is that I don’t know what I’m trying to say.

I realized today, that I feel stuck. I told Paul that I’m not sure I’d be feeling so badly like I need to be doing something towards becoming a parent if we didn’t have these obstacles looming in the distance. I can’t suddenly decide I want to be a mom, it has to be carefully planned. Coordinated amongst a team of specialists. Specialists, I have been told (my rheumy actually said this to me), who will be walking on eggshells with their fingers crossed the entire nine months. That sounds encouraging doesn’t it?

But as much fun as that sounds, just to even get to a place where my team of specialists decide that it might be an acceptable time for my husband and I to begin attempting to procreate is going to be a long road ahead.

Yesterday it hit me. I was hoping to be pregnant by the end of the year and now the earliest that will be able to happen is probably at least 1.5yrs out, which means I will be nearly 30yo before we could possibly get pregnant? Wtf? Didn’t I start talking about this like two years ago? I mean, I don’t know. Maybe without all of this I wouldn’t really feel the pressure to have kids asap but being that I am in this predicament I really feel like I need a PLAN. Now. Wait, scratch that, I had a plan and (I’m supposed to be off all meds right now preparing to start trying in a month or two) but the plan veered off a bridge (flare, back on full dose and then some) and basically I’m right back where I started. Ok, I’m not picky, we don’t have to make forward progress on The Plan, but can we at least not go fucking backwards?

Out of all of this I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that Paul very much wants to be a father but he’s still in no rush so the situation doesn’t bother him too much. Mainly because he doesn’t really think about the possibility that that might never happen. He believes in doctors and medicine and that somehow this is all going to work itself out and he’ll be a dad to a biological child and maybe an adopted child.

Me? I don’t know. On the one hand I am so thankful that we got married early and decided relatively soon into the marriage to talk to my doctors about getting pregnant (normal couples talk to each other about getting pregnant and then go forth and get pregnant – me? I talk to my husband about when we should let the doctors know so we can get their opinion on it…romantic isn’t it?). The fact that we are still relatively young means we have a good number of years, hopefully we can find at least a year’s worth of good health sans medication in there somewhere.

But I also for some reason constantly dwell on the worst case scenario even though I know I shouldn’t. And then I feel mopey and sorry for myself and way more damaged than I should. Because really, I know my body is pretty broken but that doesn’t mean it’s irrepareable.