The plan for after I’m done with my maternity leave has been to have my mom come and watch the baby. To be fair, my mom hasn’t been 100% on board with this arrangement for a variety of reasons but she’s been open to it mainly for the reason that I wanted it this way to begin with: reluctance to leave a newborn in daycare or with an unknown nanny.
But now I’m starting to have second thoughts about this too, mainly because I don’t want to have to cede my control as a mother or to have my mom threaten me with not watching the baby anymore every time I make a decision contrary to what she would make.
I didn’t think this would be a huge problem considering that my mom isn’t generally a huge control freak. Our house growing up was always fairly messy, our food wasn’t particularly fussy, and rules generally negotiable.
But I realize now that more and more frequently things are presented to me as a suggestion only for me to find myself being yelled at when I decide not to follow said suggestion.
Example, my mom and I were having a conversation just now and she casually brings up that I should stop wearing skirts. The genesis of this being that I wore a dress to my family baby shower on Sunday and apparently my grandmother’s helper, her sister-in-law and her all thought that I would make the baby “cold” by having an “open space” down there.
First of all, WTF?
Second of all, I don’t give a crap what “the helper” says. Who is she? She has met me exactly two times now.
I tell her okay, okay, since I generally don’t wear dresses anymore anyway, I wear my yoga pants 99% of the time as she herself should know since that’s what I’ve worn EVERY other time I’ve seen her in the past 3 months. She then lays in with the thing that completely set me off (also remember, eight months pregnant with hormones), she tells me, that I better not show up in a skirt at my next baby shower on January 12.
I probably should have stayed calm and just said okay, but instead I said (and I admit, with attitude), “OKAY, I was planning to wear a dress I had picked out but since you’ve COMMANDED me not to, I won’t.”
Then we hung up and I started crying in anger while poor Paul listened to me scream about how, I DON’T GIVE A FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE HELPER SAYS and SHE SHOULD MIND HER OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.
Am I overreacting? I know, I am. But if this is a sign of things to come. Of me being COMMANDED what I can and can’t do for the good and health of my own baby then I’m not okay with that. I’m sorry, I get it. I’m her child. But I’m not A child. And I’m about to have MY OWN child. As in MY child. That I get to make decisions for. That I get to be the mommy to. And she is allowed to give me her opinions but she is not allowed to make me feel bad because she throws out the “experience” or the “other people agree with me” card.
Paul said she was probably just flustered. Completely unrelated to our conversation she was having a bad day, I know this. And she was annoyed in part because she attributed her bad day with the fact that I asked her not to come visit today (she felt like the bad things that happened wouldn’t have if she had come here instead like she wanted). So that was probably part of it.
But now I’m upset, and my blood pressure is undoubtedly raised and I’m not happy or relaxed. And this is actually why I didn’t want them to come visit today! Because since Christmas I’ve seen them almost every single day and it’s been more stressful than not.
Bah-humbug.
Have you decided if you’re shaving the baby’s head yet? That was a fun conversation with my in-laws. Or if you’re showering after you have the baby…or leaving the house the first 30 days? Wear a skirt to that shower, or you might as well just give up now. 😉
lol i knooow….i was thinking about that but it is not beyond my mom to make a huge scene in front of a house full of people so i think i’d be the ultimate loser in that scenario haha. i know i have to sit down and talk to her about this seriously very soon before the baby comes, but just can’t figure out how to do that without things escalating into another full blown argument! did you just pretty much ignore the in-laws or how did you deal?
also, i deleted your fb comment because most people don’t know about the blog! no big deal but just rather not have my mom asking about it lol
Oh, sorry. I should have messaged you. My sister in law kept on about the shaving her head until I just screamed, “We are not doing that!” And they all thought I’d die from showering daily after giving birth and leaving the house as soon as I felt like it. Finally, a brother in law just said that white women’s bodies must be different than Chinese women’s. I just put my foot down. I didn’t let anyone bully me into anything. I totally let Benny’s mom change Kaitlin’s clothes and wake her up and change her sleeping position and close all the blinds, but then I put everything back the way it was when she left. I never let her move in with us. I’m very independent and stubborn. Choose your battles. It’ll be alright. By the third baby, everyone left me alone. 🙂
Oh man! Yeah I’m hoping it’ll be like when I learned to drive and at first my mom was super nervous and would back-seat (passenger-seat?) drive like crazy until she realized I was a good driver and now she never bothers me when we’re in the car together. I’m planning to do the postpartum meals but I told her I’m not necessarily going to follow everything else, we’ll see what I’m comfortable with! Not sure how that’s going to go over but I’m hoping she’ll respect it.
Yeah, eat the chicken wine soup. It’s yummy. 🙂