it’s been awhile since i’ve used bullet points
I think I was a bit overenthusiastic with the pumping between nursing sessions and managed to pump myself right into the oversupply camp last week. Not the worst problem to have but still a problem when your baby starts crying because your milk is choking him and cries later because he’s filled up on foremilk which has made him super gassy. Luckily, in the age of Google, I’ve been able to get things to a much more manageable level by enduring a few uncomfortable days and scaling back the number of pumping sessions per day. I don’t know what made me think it was necessary to pump after every nursing session? However I’ve pumped so little in the past few days that I’m a little worried I’ve gone too far the other direction so I’m currently searching for a happy medium.
T’s platelets are fully in the normal range now, wahoo! Over 300k as of his blood draw yesterday – two pokes because the vein collapsed on the first one and holy mother of god it sucks balls to watch people stabbing your tiny (ok less tiny now) baby with needles and trying to draw blood out while he screams and looks at you like, “Why? Why do you let this happen to me?” Thankfully the clinic where he was drawn had Sweet-Ease which he likes and made the process more bearable. One of the nurses was so sweet and even remembered which room T had had his blood drawn last time and which arm it was from and the other nurse asked how she could possibly remember given how many draws they do a day (and it was almost a month ago!), and she said, “Because I remember Titus!” Aww…my lil guy is already working it with the ladies 😉
We are in Day 3 of the grandma experiment. Too soon to say how it’s going but me and my mom really know how to butt heads. I liked having the nanny who just took in what our preferences were and followed them and gave us suggestions but never made us feel like we HAD to take them. I know my mom has the best intentions and I feel bad that I haven’t been able to express that to her because I have all these other conflicting emotions about wanting to be clear that this kid is mine and I’m allowed to raise him my way and expect people caring for him to act accordingly. Anyway, I think all parties feel committed to trying it at least for this week but we’ll have to reevaluate at the end. Personally I’m liking the idea of me watching him a couple nights a week and just hire the nanny for maybe 2-3 nights which makes it a three figure check which doesn’t feel quite so bad for our bank account.
Technically my maternity leave ends in two weeks. I say technically because my rheumy has already indicated that he’ll fill out whatever paperwork needs to be filled out to have it extended by four weeks and I intend to ask my boss if I can use up four of my six weeks of vacation this year to tack onto the end of it. Still, the fact that I am technically supposed to be back at work in two short weeks has me freaking the fuck out (pardon the language but no other word can encapsulate how this is making me feel). I’m trying to soak in every moment of being with my baby boy. Even the screamy, squirmy moments. Even the days (like today) when he’s so fussy and refuses to be put down and I don’t even have time to pump or eat between feeding, changing and holding him. The idea of missing one single minute of his life is killing me. The thought of someone else, anyone else, taking care of my sweet baby boy makes my heart hurt. Before he was born I wondered how I’d feel about going back to work, whether I’d see it as a reprieve or if it would be completely and utterly crushing. I’m hoping I still have 10 weeks to go (please please please) but so far I’m definitely leaning towards the latter. If this is how I’m feeling now, I can’t imagine what my last day of maternity leave is going to be like. Lots of blubbering, wailing, gnashing of teeth, and squeezing my baby a little too tightly is probably a good guess.
Tonight I proclaimed to Paul that I love breastfeeding. I love looking down at T while he’s nursing and that he looks back up at me as though he’s studying my face. Because he was in the NICU for the first few weeks of his life I was really afraid that he wouldn’t know who I was, that I was someone special in his life and not just one of the many caretakers that have come and gone already. When we are having one of those nice long nursing sessions where I can hear his contented sighs between his swallows, his little hands resting gently on my chest, I feel like he knows that I am the person in this world who loves him more than anything. There is also this weird pride when I look at his multitude of fat rolls and creases all over his chubby little body that I’m the one nourishing him and boy does he look well-nourished!
Paul and I have already started thinking about #2. Obviously it won’t happen anytime soon, I think with a c-section it is recommended that you wait at least a year to let the uterus heal completely in addition to the issue about vitamin depletion, etc. But I guess even with all we went through with T, both of us feel strongly that we want another child. Having T and knowing how amazing he is has only reinforced that. Also, not going to lie, I would LOVE to be pregnant again.