bitch is back

I am feeling particularly tired and emotional tonight. My body is tired. And my brain is tired about thinking about my body and why it’s so unwieldy and uncooperative.

My body hurts. From my back to my fingers to my freaking teeth. Yes, my teeth hurt.

Not a good sign.

My blood pressure is a mess and my rheumy wants me to go back on blood pressure medication, but I think this would mean I have to wean T. As much as I can logically appreciate the benefits of the end of breastfeeding, the emotional side of me is a blubbering mess about it. Truthfully, our breastfeeding relationship has been at best, a love-hate relationship, but even so, the idea of having to stop now, before we are really ready is a bit gut-wrenching Probably more than it should be. But it feels like once again, a decision is being taken out of my hands and forced on me by my lupus.

Unfortunately as the days tick by and my health deteriorates, I may be running out of options very soon. My blood pressure has gotten scary high at certain points in the last few days and the fact that work has been extra stressful this week has sometimes made me wonder if I could be that urban legend of the person who drops dead in the middle of a stressful moment in the office.

Today I found myself making contingency plans for what happens to Paul and T if I suddenly die.

And so I know that if I have to give up breastfeeding, I have to. Because ultimately I have to be alive to be T’s mommy.

So yeah. I’m praying for a miracle but if nothing changes in the next couple weeks then I will have to make some changes around here.

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