i am a bad blogger

Seriously, the worst right?  I’m not going to blame it on being busy, I just haven’t really had the itch to write.  Shrug.

So why am I here today?

Because I have stuff on my mind and no one to really talk to about it since it is a touchy subject…

Ever since the “Planned Parenthood sells baby parts” videos started coming out it seems like abortion has been, rightfully so, in the news a lot more.  This has made me think about it a lot more, and trust me it is not something I like to think about.

For someone as opinionated as me, I am frightfully unsure of how I feel about abortion.  I have a really hard time articulating my position, and c’mon that is just not normal for me!!

I guess the problem is that I can see both sides.  I really can.  There are certainly legitimate arguments and good intentions on both sides.  At the end of the day, though, it’s just tough, really, really tough to think of all the tiny, precious, human life being snuffed out in alarming numbers every single day.  I don’t care if your prolife or prochoice, that is just a really brutal thought.

You may never hear me say this again, but I agree with Bill Clinton that abortions should be safe, legal and rare.

Clearly, we’re missing out on the “rare” leg of that triangle since according to some 2011 numbers I found, more than 1 in 5 pregnancies in America (excluding miscarriages) ended in an abortion (40% of all unintended pregnancies ended in abortion).

Anyway, I’m not here to share my opinion on abortion since I’m still not even really sure I know what my opinion is yet…I’m here because all this thinking about abortion got me thinking about how abortion has affected my life.

No, I’ve luckily (and I do mean luckily) never had one, and I hope that I never am in a position where I have to make that decision.  (Please, God, I’m not sure I could handle it).

But my life has certainly been affected by one.

I am the oldest of two daughters, but I should have been the oldest of three.  I’m missing my youngest sibling and it wasn’t until recently that, that thought really hit me.  For some reason I imagine it was a boy, maybe because we were a family with two girls and I always wondered what it would be like to have a brother when I was growing up.

Now that I am an adult with my own child, it’s strange but yes, I actually feel a tangible loss.  I wonder how it would be to have another uncle or aunt to dote on T.  I wonder what our childhood together would have been like, the memories we could have made, the adventures we could have had.  I wonder what it would have been like to have a sibling so many years younger.  I wonder if he would have gone to UCLA and followed in my sister and my footsteps. I wonder, and I honestly miss him.  I miss the little brother I never got to meet but that I know existed.  It’s really sad.  And I see how abortion doesn’t just affect the mother’s life, there is a ripple effect sent through the entire family for generations.

Sometimes I want to ask my mom how she feels about it now.  Does she ever regret it?  Does she ever wonder what he would be like?  Does she imagine he was a boy too?  Does she imagine him at all?  But even though my mom and I are close and talk about almost anything, I can’t bring myself to bring it up.  I’m afraid it will be too hurtful a subject to dredge up.

So anyway, that’s why I’m here.  Thinking about my baby brother who never had the chance to grow up to be the man he was going to become and feeling pretty bummed about it.


  1. P says:

    What a powerful post. Thank you for sharing. I was in the position to have to make a decision about an abortion. Before we knew my first pregnancy was ectopic there was thought that it was an unhealthy pregnancy that my body wasn’t expelling via miscarriage. Even knowing that this pregnancy was not viable, to actively say yes to it and experience the process – called a manual vacuum aspiration – I will never ever forget that. It.was.awful. Physically and emotionally. So yes, I wholeheartedly agree abortions need to be safe and legal because I have a really hard time believing moms (and dads) make this decision lightly.

  2. the wingless one says:

    I remember that and I can’t even imagine how terrible an experience it was for you 🙁 I’m soo sorry you had to go through that. Some of the stories I’ve read in the IF world are what make me feel like women do need the choice, such heartbreaking situations that mother’s should have the right to decide with their doctors, even at later stages in pregnancy. I guess that is what makes it so tough for me to really know where I stand on all of this. I do think that at the earlier stages women should have the choice but I’m less and less clear on where the line should be drawn, especially with all the advances in science and medical technology. I agree with you that for most of the moms and dads making these choices it isn’t taken lightly at all and is a gut-wrenching decision but where I’m starting to take issue are those who push the idea that “it’s just a bunch of cells” or “just tissue” or a “blood clot” etc. I feel like as a society we need to be honest with ourselves about what abortion is, legal or not, and I lump myself into that statement. Before I started TTC I really had very little idea about fetal development and I generally think I’m a relatively intelligent person so it is somewhat disturbing to me. I also have been thinking about issues like the fact that such a huge majority of abortions worldwide are of baby girls, but that is a whole other can of worms :\ It’s just such a tough subject for me to wrap my mind around that I’ve generally avoided writing/thinking about it but I’m starting to feel like maybe that’s not the right approach…