Deja vu all over again

Sometimes it feels like my life is nothing but a well-worn trough, the path always leading back to the same places, emotional ditches I’ve crashed into again and again. 
Emotional pit du jour? Work. Again.
I came back from my vacation all ready to go into the boss’s office and tell him/them all about the nightmare that my health has been for at least the past six months, but really this whole dang year, and talk to them about stepping back again. Of course, something unforeseen happened before I could do that which pretty much threw a giant wrench into my plans. Instead? I will be working more and not less. Because. Of. Course.  

I’m still trying to figure out how I’m supposed to feel about all this. I guess no one is expecting me to be happy, and I’m certainly not asking that of myself, but I want to at least be able to take it in stride and I feel like maybe I’m failing a little bit. I’m mostly fine but then something small will happen to remind me that everyone is looking out for just themselves at the end of the day and I fly into a small internal rage because I really want to be selfish too damnit. 

I came back from vacation all ready to say, hey this is for me and my health and because I’d like to not die anytime soon or end up on dialysis or some other life-altering medical event and because my company had a crises I end up shelving all that and saying I will be a good little soldier and suck it up and like, I don’t know, fingers crossed that my body can handle it? That seems really stupid when I put it that way. 

So I don’t know. Something has to give. I will do what I said and give working harder/more temporarily an honest shot. I have honestly been scared to get my labs drawn, and having never felt that way it’s, well, scary. I know I need to just suck it up and have them done. If my labs are bad and I’m having a flare of any sort well then at least it will be a solid reason to go back to the powers that be and tell them I’m sorry but I really can’t anymore. I have to put myself first now.

And this probably wouldn’t be the worst time to figure out a plan B either.

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