can’t go back again

Is it narcissistic to be a little bit obsessed with your former self?

Because if so, I’m seriously indulging in some narcissistic behavior right now.

I’m writing at 3am, something I haven’t done probably since college? Which is fitting since those are the years I’m thinking about right now.

I am alone with my thoughts this weekend, something that happens rarely if ever these days, something I am very grateful for. I think it’s healthy for me to be too busy to think, to dwell, to reach back to a less healthy version of myself. But I recently finished a tv series/book about toxic college relationships and with all this alone time, I got in my head.

It was so long ago, I tell myself, why does it even matter now? Why bother with it? But it fascinates me. Reading through my old journals, seeing how broken I was. How toxic I was despite how much I convinced myself it was them – the boys. Like I was some innocent victim when surely, even then, I must have known on some level that I was just as fucked up and complicit – that I caused pain as much as I felt it.

Also, I’m 99% sure I had an eating disorder. (Realistically referring to it in the past tense is probably wrong but that’s a post for another time.)

But aside from that I look at the things I wrote, or the things that I didn’t write down but know were happening during my more cryptic posts, and I don’t know how I got from point A to point B. How did someone who seemed so broken, become someone just normally broken, in the way everyone else is?

Or maybe I’m being overly dramatic, maybe I wasn’t that special, maybe everyone in college has disordered relationships and I was just lucky that I moved on from that world quickly once it ended?

Too tired to think anymore. Too exhausted to sleep. Oh well.

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