the space between

Still waiting for my boys to return. The little one is sick apparently and wants his mommy.

I am really done with this alone time. I’ve come to realize, I don’t need or prefer it. I am better when I’m a wife and a mother. When I can focus on the people I love, instead of the dark crevices of my subconscious, which I don’t love.

When I am alone for too long, disturbing images creep into my mind. I do things like imagine myself dead in the shower. And the thing is, I’m not suicidal, not at all. My life is a good life, being a wife and a mother give me ample reason to want to see what tomorrow brings. But when I’m alone, my mind just wanders to the idea of being dead. Like what if I could close my eyes and stop existing? Just not be here anymore, and be nothing instead?

I don’t know if that’s normal. Probably not.

It’s just where my mind goes when it has too much space to wander.

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