Because you can totally do them in your underwear.
UPDATE: Less awesome because the phone is not ringing when it should. Or half an hour later even. Have I been stood up?
UPDATE II: So, did not get stood up but feel like I sucked (as usual). Can I go home now?
Lately I feel incapable of putting thoughts into words. There are moments when I feel it’s fair to blame the brain fog, but mostly I think I’ve just lost the ability to think creatively. Or to think. Period.
Why will life not hold itself constant so that I can figure things out? I am stressed. I am tired. I am tapering my meds and I have no way of knowing how much of the pain I’m in is coming from the change in meds and how much is because I physically suck at handling stressful situations.
Even though The Big Test itself is going to suck, I feel really relieved that at least it’s almost here and will be over after this Saturday. I should be flattered that everyone seems to think I am exaggerating my lack of prepared-ness and seems to think I will pass, but it just kind of bugs me. I know I’m not prepared and I am not being humble or coy when I say I will not pass. At this point, I’m sitting for the test because I have no other choice as they don’t allow you to cancel (I checked). If I do pass, it will be sheer dumb luck, but realistically? Yeah, I’m gonna fail.
Also stressing me out has been the whole loan closing process. We FINALLY signed loan docs today, since we were supposed to have closed today that’s not entirely reassuring but at this point we figure our seller is not going to back out after approving three financing contingency extensions and one escrow date extension (which we are technically in breach of now I guess?). The underwriting process has been an exercise in incompetence, I do plan on going into more detail about which bank we were dealing with once this process is behind us and our loan is fully funded, so if you are planning on getting a mortgage anytime soon, check back in on who to avoid like the plague. Supposedly there is a chance we will fund tomorrow, but with the way things have been going, I’m not going to expect anything until Friday.
So amidst all of this my arthritis has flared up to a degree it has not been at in awhile…aaand…my blood pressure has actually gone down back towards normal-ish (still high though) levels. I don’t know what this means. I honestly don’t feel confident that my doctors will know what this means, because after five years, I just don’t have that much faith in Western medicine. Sure they are good at figuring out what’s going wrong with you, but it doesn’t seem like they have an actual solution beyond trying to control the symptoms. But that’s a whole other rant for another time.
I swear, at some point, I will quit being such a downer. Maybe once this week has passed.
So I have this scathing letter to our underwriter all typed up and ready to post as soon as we finally *knock on wood* close on our loan. But since a little part of me is seriously afraid that somehow she will stumble upon my website, find the note berating her and then deny us the loan, I will not post it until after we close. When I can stick my tongue out at her as I say whatever the hell I please.
As an aside, really not happy about the way Game 5 of the WCF just went down. But, I’m starting to think the Suns can push this to 7 and maybe, just maybe, Hobe will get injured. Why can’t he be the recipient of an elbow-to-the-face-inducing-concussion? WHY?
Ah well. I have spent the day trying to keep my blood pressure under control while simultaneously being extremely stressed out over pretty much every little thing. Work. Dealing with this dang underwriting process. Not studying for The Very Big Test. Oh and I had a double cheeseburger and small fries for lunch.
Such. A. Bad. Idea.
Right after wolfing down my sodium ladened lunch, I got an email forwarded to me from our realtor with more excuses from our lender as to why the loan could not be completed today, blah blah blah. Instantly I felt my blood pressure skyrocket. I don’t think the typical 27yo knows what it feels like when your blood pressure spikes, but I’m pretty sure I do.
Anyway, now that we’re winding down to bedtime, I’m trying to relax and ignore the fact that the Lakers, whom I hate with all my heart, won. Tomorrow is a half day and after that is a week off to “study” (if I can even bring myself to do it). So I just need to make it through the day…and boy do I have a lot of crap to handle in six hours (wait that’s not a half day, that’s a 3/4 day, I’m getting ripped off!).
I am going to try really, really hard not to be a total downer today. Although, I must say, this weather is killing me. Why the $*#& is it still raining?? In MAY? It seems like a lot of people around here are either sick or suffering from prolonged allergies because it just won’t freaking stop raining. Or rather, it will rain for a day or two, brighten up, and then start raining again a few days later. Seriously, wtf? I pay a big fucking premium to live here for a reason, I want my nice weather dammit.
Okay, I’m done with my little spoiled California girl hissy fit. For now.
On a brighter note, it looks like we are inching towards the finish line in this whole real estate purchasing fiasco, and may even close on time! Of course, my dear wonderful husband who has a penchant for shopping like a 16 year old girl who has just been given her first credit card and told to go wild, has discovered Room and Board (and yes, of course, I’m the idiot that introduced him to the store) and we are about to be a whole lot poorer. It’s okay, we don’t need to eat right? We’ll have really high quality console tables instead! And a dining table we don’t have to piece together ourselves with the handy-dandy IKEA tool.
Paul says we are grown ups now and therefore IKEA furniture is no longer acceptable. Apparently being grown up means you have to buy really expensive furniture that weighs so much you can’t possibly move it anywhere without first taking a trip to Home Depot to pick up some help. But R&B has a flat fee for delivery, so really we’re saving money by ordering more. Silly me, I never thought of it that way…
Sigh, I love my husband, but thank God we don’t both shop like women or we’d have to live out of the boxes our furniture comes in.
Aaand, this probably doesn’t qualify as a cheerful post, but it’s the closest I can muster right now. I tried.
Maybe it’s because I’ve pretty much felt like crap for ten consecutive days now, but I saw a glimpse of myself in the sideview mirror today and I thought to myself, Thank God I married young. Because, seriously? I don’t know how twenty-seven (almost twenty-eight) year old me would fare attempting to attract a husband. Probably…not well. To put it nicely.
Some weird stuff has been happening with my body in the past couple weeks and while I’m sort of used to being utterly disappointed in my body, it’s starting to get to me. Today I actually wondered if I was dying, not in a melodramatic way I don’t think, but in a, hm, what if I’m about to go into heart failure or something? Because something just does not feel right. I can’t put my finger on it.
Still don’t feel like going into too much detail about what happened last week but suffice to say going to the doctor did not give me any answers or make me feel any better. And the way I’m feeling today is only making the question mark bigger. Cramping to the point where I feel dizzy and light-headed days after my “period” (or whatever the bloody hell that was) is not normal for me. So something is definitely wrong. And I’m tired. And I really don’t want to go to work tomorrow.
And I’m feeling bad for my husband because he’s stuck with me. And he’s busy cooking me a wonderful dinner while I sit around looking gross, feeling sorry for myself and generally wanting to crawl into a dark hole somewhere to wallow as I moan in pain. Oh wait, I’m already doing that.
Okay, I’m done being such a joyful ray of sunshine. Let’s try this again some other time and I will regale you with happy stories…
Something I’ve always had a lot of trouble with is trusting that the Lord is leading me. I am a well-documented control freak in many respects and most of the time I just feel helpless if I don’t have A Plan.
Which is why this whole thing with my career/work is driving me completely batshit insane. At this point, I have a sort of vague idea of what I’m trying to do but I kind of have no clue how I’m going to get there. And to be honest, sometimes I’m not sure if what I want is even really what’s best for me. I do feel very fortunate to be in my industry – it is challenging and it pays really well and offers pretty much limitless potential. But at the same time, it can be cut-throat, crude, self-important and impatient. It definitely brings out the best and the worst in me simultaneously.
So, I don’t know.
I’m trying to remind myself that in my heart of hearts I do feel like God led me here, and if that’s true He led me here for a reason. Whether it’s to stay in this industry or move onto something else? I don’t know that yet. But it’s also why I am pursuing this opportunity in L.A. even though the timing couldn’t be more horrible. Because as of right now, that is the door that has been nudged open for me and I think I just have to have faith that if it’s not meant to be it will slam shut in my face. Or I’ll get some kind of a sign.
I have always been fortunate that way. When I look back, things have always sort of fallen in place as though an invisible, loving hand was clearing a specific path for me. Not just professionally (the best example of which would be how I got into my graduate program) but also personally (the emotionally scarring relationships that eventually led to the most wonderful husband ever). And I have to trust that, that hand? It’s still there, even if I can’t feel it at the moment.
That job in L.A.? I don’t know if it’s my dream job. It’s certainly not my dream to move back to L.A. (I.hate.traffic.so.much) but maybe that is supposed to be my next step. But again, I am getting way ahead of myself since a) they haven’t even officially scheduled an interview yet, b) they haven’t officially defined the role yet so they may interview me and then decide they are looking for someone way above my level and c) oh yeah, I haven’t been offered the job. Details.
In other news, we are about two and a half weeks away from closing escrow.
What is the Universe trying to tell me? This morning (after last night’s extreme navel gazing) I got a phone call from a potential employer. Except it went straight to voicemail and I decided to wait until after an appointment, after work, to call her back. And she didn’t answer. So I left a sort of rambling message and was like, uh, so sorry to call you so late (it was 4:30pm) but if I don’t hear back from you tonight, I’ll try again tomorrow! (I know, not needy at all right?)
And now since it’s almost 7pm I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to wait until tomorrow to speak with her, if I ever hear from her again after that ridiculous message.
Tonight would be a long night except for my little friend…Ambien.
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. – Henry David Thoreau
It’s sad, isn’t it, how true it is? Lately, I feel like it’s becoming very true of my own life. I wake up every morning and think to myself, really? This is my life? How did I get here? What am I doing? Where am I going?
Not to say, my life isn’t blessed in many ways. As someone reminded me the other day, I have a wonderful husband which on most days is a salve for most of what pains me. I have amazingly supportive parents, family, extended family. I have known my best friends in the world for more years of my life than I have not known them. That is pretty incredible, isn’t it? While my job mostly leaves me unfulfilled, I do have a job, which as I keep reminding myself, is also pretty incredible. My health could be better, but mostly it seems to be okay, which is definitely better than the alternative.
And yet…the second part of the quote rings true as well.
What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.
There are obviously things in my life that I am not happy about. Am I doing enough to change them? Maybe not. Maybe I’m just too comfortable, resigned to the idea that because of all I have, I should not continue to expect more. Sometimes I do feel that way, like when you’ve been blessed with so much, it’s ungrateful to feel like somehow, it’s just not enough.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say. Except…that I do feel resigned to a life of quiet desperation at this moment in time. Whatever that means.
Does anyone have a cupcake? Preferrably chocolate. Thanks.
Ugh. I’m still not happy with everything the way it is right now but I don’t have FTP access on my laptop and am too lazy to go on Paul’s computer right this second so I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up for now. It’s weird but designing my blog has always been one of those things that brings out the extreme control-freakish-perfectionist-OCD-ness in me and not having complete control over this thing is driving me nuts. Does it bug anyone else that it says “TAGS” at the bottom of this post even though nothing is tagged? Well, I’m only a little bit ashamed to say it bugs the holy beejezus out of me. Based on how many times I redesigned the site during college (which I discovered as I backed up my site for the FIRST TIME EVER IN 10 YEARS this weekend) I must have spent a LOT of hours tweaking code rather than studying. Quelle surprise.
Anyway, onto more important matters.
I’ve been keeping a secret from you dear Internet. And before you ask let me just say, no I am not gestating anything.
But, we are currently in escrow for a place here in the city. I haven’t wanted to say anything because you may remember what happened last time I thought we were moving. This time definitely feels more “right” somehow. Like when you finally meet “the one” and you’re like oh, cool, the idea of getting married doesn’t make me want to jump out of a window. We’re just waiting on our loan to get approved and that will pretty much be that. Hopefully it ends up being as easy as I just made it sound.
Anyway, the new place is about 2x times bigger than our current (studio) apartment, which actually now seems to be shrinking. A couple weeks ago the powers that be came in to change the electrical panel and we were thus commanded to remove everything from our closet. Holy cow people, do you know how much CRAP we had in that closet?! Neither did I – until it was all over our apartment and I literally had to clear a space on the bed so we could go to bed that night. And since then we have moved a lot of things back into the closet but a lot of the boxes are just kind of sitting there. In the middle of the room. Where we used to walk. And I keep kicking things and tripping on wires and everytime I do it makes the thought of paying almost 3x our rent in mortgage payments almost bearable.
Almost.